Past Help

[Cmdr JFarrington 0]

Meritorious Achievement Award

 

Past Help

A Joint Log by LtCmdr Faldek and Cmdr Farrington

 

What’s gone and what’s past help

Should be past grief.

The Winter’s Tale. Act III. Sc. 2. Wm. Shakespear

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'LtCmdr Faldek has requested a meeting with the counselor so he may be evaluated and not be considered suicidal. Such a proven mark on his record could bar him from continuing to serve in Special Operations.'

 

Not surprising, thought Jami. In her mind, Beran Faldek had been struggling with - no, he was more confined and imprisoned by his past for far too long. This time he had put himself in a trap of his own making, one from which he might not escape. But sometimes it takes a drastic mistake of no return to jerk us from a dangerous complacency, to expose anything psychologically buried so we won't end up physically buried - and in that regard Faldek had come dangerously close.

 

The last time LtCmdr Beran Faldek visited the counselor's office he had come of his own volition - a first, as far as Jami could determine from his records. Despite the experiences he had had with covert and special operations, both on Manticore and before, not once had he voluntarily sought counsel. Just after their conversation, he had almost taken his own life by disabling the safeties in the holodeck. Had her advice anything to do with it? And now he wanted to talk to her again?

 

"Pause lift."

 

Her brow furrowed almost to a frown as Jami reread the message displayed on the padd clipped to her uniform. Lt Cmdr Faldek has requested a meeting... suicidal... mark on his record... bar him from Special Operations. His speech was clipped, direct, and decisive. His life was clipped, direct, and decisive - military, combative, confrontational. The biggest question here was if he could he exist without that life - without the military, without covert or special operations. But the bottom line was that he had no choice.

 

Replacing the padd, Jami took a deep breath while the lift resumed its course to sick bay. A few patient visits later she found Beran Faldek with his wife, Keb. Fully aware of the reason for Jami's visit, Keb left. At the touch of a button, the privacy screen and dampening field erected, security cameras were turned off, and they were completely alone.

 

With Keb in the room, Faldek had done a good job of covering his anger, frustration, and depression. With her gone, however, it was a different story.

 

"I'm not suicidal. I did not go into that holodeck to die. Or even intending to be hurt." Clipped. Direct. Decisive. He met her gaze, his hands resting easily on the biobed.

 

Jami pulled up a chair. "So why did you go in?"

 

"I was upset over Kansas interrupting my apology to Dr Vilanne. I was upset over my short comings and my behavior over the last few days. I went in there to kill a few tough holograms, and vent some steam. But as I have admitted, I am not as good as I once was. I am out of shape. I am not a spry twenty-year-old anymore."

 

Mentally adding fear of physical aging to the list, Jami adjusted her posture.

 

"It was my honest intention to go in there and kill some Klingon holograms," he continued. "I turned the safeties off because, for me, it was that I couldn't feel fear or really make it a true test of my abilities if I knew I could not get hurt. Not an excuse, just what I was thinking at the time."

 

"And did you accomplish your goal?"

 

"No. I killed the first three attackers with ease, but the last three ganged up on me. I was overwhelmed and managed to turn them off before I lost consciousness."

 

His fingers dug into the side of the biobed. After a fleeting thought of Cmdr Garnoopy having enough to fix, Jami relaxed, crossed her knees, and gently clasped her hands around them. She waited a few beats as the commander's hands relaxed, but the indents in the biobed padding remained.

 

"You're aware, of course," she ventured, with just enough concern to temper the message, "that you must face the consequences of your actions. Not only the consequences for the injuries you sustained, but the mark on your record, the charges you may have against you for turning off the safeties."

 

A slight sigh accompanied, "Yes I do. I assumed I would win, and not get caught. But here I am. I admit I am... destructable, unlike what I was trained to believe, by the Order."

 

The Order. The very name caused her to cringe. Tasked with insuring loyalty from Cardassian citizens, the Obsidian Order was reputably the most ruthless and brutally efficient intelligence organization in the galaxy. No one, not even the Cardassian Central Command's highest ranking officers, were immune from their inquiries. Most of Beran Faldek's reactions were residual impulses from this training and pulling him out of it was taking more than Starfleet had indicated in his file when he came aboard the Manticore.

 

Yet, Jami could think of a dozen Starfleet operatives who had undergone the same training, and a few Cardassians in Starfleet who had successfully turned double-agent and integrated into that society. So what was holding Beran Faldek back?

 

"You're not in the Order now, Commander. You're in Starfleet. Some believe that you've lost your perspective, that you can no longer function as a Starfleet officer."

 

"That was never my intention. However I must say I am not the only 'crazy' one in Security. McFly and Kenickie constantly talk about wanting action and wanting to shoot people."

 

"We're not talking about McFly and Kenickie, Commander. We're talking about you. You are the only one you can control."

 

"I am not trying to deflect; I am trying to let you in on what may have had an adverse reaction and may have had a hand in my previous actions. Some of the crew have had friends or family, or even themselves that fought in the Cardassian-Federation war. I know people do not like me. Kansas constantly calls me spoony or other racists comments. It has taken its toll on me I must admit. I want the crew to like me, but it seems whenever I try to impress them it doesn't work."

 

"So don't try to impress them."

 

Damage to the biobed increased as his hands contracted again, almost as though he were choking the life out of his past as he struggled to suppress his emotions.

 

"Beran, letting someone else's emotions and reactions dictate your own makes you a slave. How another person feels or reacts is their problem, not yours. Try as you might, you cannot control how they feel. You can only control how you feel. How you react." Which was going to be very, very difficult.

 

"I've been in Starfleet almost seven years now. I should be acclimated to it, but some things are just harder to forget. I do not wish to harm people, or myself. I simply want to do my job... I am still trying to fully integrate my personality to allow for team work, and I will get it done. I will function more as a unit, especially now that I realize that I am a Starfleet Officer, and no longer any part of a real clandestine service."

 

"I am somewhat familiar with the Order. It succeeds because it insists on instant obedience, regardless of consequences."

 

"I have questioned... unreasonable orders while in Starfleet. I figured Starfleet Special Operations was like the Order, but they have too many differences to be alike. I have accepted that, especially with my recent failures and know that I can rely on my teammates to help me."

 

Yes. His teammates. "But recent events... " she paused, choosing her words carefully. " ... have led your teammates to lose trust in you. They have lost faith in you - have lost their trust in your ability to work with them, to be a part of their team. Once that trust is lost it has to be regained. That can take a long time. And... saying it and having people believe it are two different things. May I suggest some strategies?"

 

"Surely."

 

"First, stop trying to impress them. When we try to impress other people we tend to do the opposite. It usually comes off as not genuine, and that raises all kinds of red flags. But what I have observed... is that you have succeeded in convincing one beautiful young woman that you are a caring, loving individual. May I suggest that you allow others to see that side of you as well? Not in the same way, of course, but be genuine to the rest of the crew. And I believe that if you stop trying to impress them it will come off as more genuine."

 

Beran's expression turned somber. "I have learned how to be that. I do not wish to intentionally cause people harm anymore. That was what I used to be, and not what I am anymore. I want to better myself and the rest of Starfleet by preventing people from doing the things that I used to do. As for my actions this week, and even after the talk we had, I tried to apologize to Dr. Vilanne. However Kenickie stopped me in mid apology and made me leave. I believe that was my breaking point. I was trying to be a good honest person and she prevented my ability to do that. I should have just taken it with a grain of salt but my ego was far too damaged at that point to let it go. With my failure to apprehend Morran, and my failure to completely verify order authenticity."

 

Yes, it would take a long time to unravel the threads. But then it usually did - with everyone.

 

"Trying to prevent others from making the same mistake is out of your power. People make mistakes because that's how they learn. You can advise them - if they ask for it - but you cannot stop them from taking the path they choose. It's their choice to take it or not. You're taking on too much responsibility for someone else's life.

 

"Again, remember that you cannot control how someone else acts and feels. You can only do your best to do what you believe is right. If the other person's reaction is not what you expected, that's their problem. You've done your best. Taking the responsibility for someone else's problem will only frustrate you and distract you from your purpose - to be the best person you can be."

 

A long, slow inhale helped Beran regain his composure.

 

"I understand, and will make the appropriate changes. I will regain the trust of my peers and superiors. My only regret is that I had to lose it, to prove to myself that I need to change. I am not crazy or suicidal, it's just hard to adapt to a completely different set of social and professional rules. Old habits die hard, and I promise you, Commander, I will no longer let that dictate my life. I just needed a swift kick in the rear by some Klingon holograms to get me to understand that."

 

"Battle-armed Klingons do have a knack for getting our attention, don't they?"

 

The Cardassian straightened and a humorous glint brightened his face. "I personally never met one in battle, but they are quiet imposing at times. Perhaps I should have chosen Romulans." At that Jami smiled, but he continued on a different vein before she could respond. "Commander... there is something that has been eating away at me for a long time. On the mission that you got amnesia... just before you got hurt, you were going to put me on report. Honestly I cannot say why, because I do not remember. I thought you should know. I stayed away from you for a while afterwards. I apologize for my lack of saying anything earlier."

 

Amnesia? She was going to put him on report? She was stymied, but...

 

"Apology accepted, Commander. And, as for my amnesia... I believe many things happen for a reason."