Jokes

[Joe Giliberti 0]

Really favors Janeway, but anyway, that was pretty good

 

Now here is something I wrote about 8 months ago. I plan on continuing it someday. Oh well.

PART 1

 

 

 

 

(red alert klaxon)

Picard:  “Status, Mister Worf!”

 

Worf: “Tachyon emission sensors are registering what appears to be a cloaked vessel of our forward quarter.”

 

Riker:  “Shields up!”

 

Troi:  “I’m, I’m sensing such…pain, anguish, sadne….”

 

Picard:  “Beverly.”

 

Crusher: “Oh, yes, right away. (hypospray shhhhhhhh)  That should shut her up”

 

Troi:  “What was I saying?”

 

Picard:  “And it did. What was in that hypospray, anyway?

 

Crusher: “An old Earth medication I found in the medical database. It’s called Valium.”

 

Picard:  “Wonderful drug.”

 

Crusher: “Works like magic.”

 

Data:  “Romulan Warbird de-cloaking!”

 

Picard:  “Open hailing frequencies, Mister Worf.”

 

Worf:  “Aye, sir”

 

Worf:  “They’re responding.”

 

Romulan: “Federation Vessel. Lower your shields and leave our space immediately!”

 

Picard:  “Your space!? Betazoid space is Federation space.”

 

Romulan: “Lower your shields and leave or we will open fire.”

 

Picard:  “Mister Worf, load all photon torpedo bays, prepare to fire phasers.”

 

Worf:  “Why must I prepare to fire phasers? I want to fire!”

 

Picard:  “PREPARE to fire phasers!”

 

Worf:  “Why?”

 

Picard:  “The word ‘prepare’ is meant to make this battle more dramatic.”

 

Worf:  “Understood sir.”

 

Picard:  “FIRE AT WILL!”

 

Worf:  “Are you sure you don’t just want me to “prepare” to fire at will, sir?”

 

Picard:  “FIRE THE DAMN WEAPONS!”

 

Worf:  “Aye, sir.”

 

(Worf discharges phaser at Commander Riker.)

 

Picard: “Mister Worf, FIRE ALL WEAPONS AT THE WARBIRD!”

 

Worf:  “Aye, sir.”

 

LaForge: “Inertial dampers failing, artificial gravity failing on decks 8 through 12. Shields at forty percent.”

 

Riker:  “Divert power to shields. Evasive pattern delta.”

 

Wesley: “The helm isn’t responding. The damned console blew up in my face”

 

(ship rocks violently)

 

Picard:  “Geordi, I’ve been telling you for too long to install fuses.”

 

LaForge: “I’ll get to it Captain.”

 

Worf:  “The Romulan Warbird has been destroyed, sir.”

 

Worf:  “Sir, a giant ship is appearing beneath us. It is the Mega Maid.”

 

Data: “But those are only known to exist in a galaxy very, very, very, very far away.”

 

Worf:  “Shut up!”

 

Data:  “I will mute myself if that pleases you, but there are several other options....”

 

Picard: Data, go jump in a lake.

 

Data: That is fine, sir, as I have been designed to act as a floatation device."

 

Picard: Merde!

 

Worf:  “We are being pulled inside!”

 

Laforge: “Shields have failed. Hull breaches on decks 5 through 24. Emergency force fields have failed.”

 

Picard:  “Evacuate those decks.”

 

Data:  “Impact in 29 seconds.”

 

Picard:  “This is Captain Picard to all decks, brace for impact!”

 

 

  End of Part 1.

Edited December 6, 2005 by Joe Giliberti

[Joe Mathews 0]

<-died of laughter

[Elgor 0]

died got Q to bring him bact to life and died of laughter again

[eagle 0]

ROFL,ROFL,ROFL...........and did i mention.......ROFL... :rolleyes: :lol: B) B)

[WesleyMustDie 0]

99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.

> Kirk could never really fit into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.

>> There's nothing kinky about Sisko's jumpsuit.

>>> Janeway has a better jumpsuit than all of them.

 

97. One Word: Hair.

> One word: sex appeal (OK, two words).

>> Sisko has both but needs neither.

>>> Three words: Lots of hair..

 

96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.

> Another word: Damn-good-looking-don't-need-a-weave!

>> Sisko has hair and it's REAL.

>>> More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined

 

95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.

> Picard can beat up a Klingon bare.... (heheh) ;->

>> Sisko can beat up the Jem'Hadar!

>>> Janeway could've beaten the Nausicaans at dom jot without rigging the table.

 

90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.

> Picard would personally throw Kirk off his bridge. Wesley Crusher would have been running the Enterprise had Kirk been his captain, and Kirk would never have known.

>> Sisko hates Picard. HATES him. And he doesn't care about Kirk.

>>> 45 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.

 

86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.

> Kirk has no singing voice, that's why they don't bother asking him to sing.

>> Avery Brooks can sing just fine; he's worked in musicals before. On the other hand, Shatner sang "Mr. Tambourine Man." B)

>>> To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't wake up for morning bells.

 

85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.

> Kirk drives his *own* stick shift; Picard can ride a horse! :-)

>> Sisko has more important things to do than driving automobiles and ride horses. (BTW, Kirk can ride a horse too)

>>> When you?re trying to get to a home 70 million light years away, who has time for cars and horses?

 

82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.

> Picard has enough brain cells to think up more creative insults.

>> Kirk was just a parrot when it came to profanity, and Picard swears in French. Sisko has O'Brien, and he says "bloody."

>>> Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."

 

81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.

> Picard NEVER acted like a horse while some midget rode him.

>> Kirk would have needlessly destroyed the Enterprise trying to fight the Borg. Picard once pretended Comdr. Riker was his daddy.

>>> Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0

 

80. Kirk ate little colored cubes and still remained relatively healthy.

> Picard knows how to use chopsticks for more than walrus imitations.

>> Sisko can actually COOK real food like jambalya.

>>> The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.

 

78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.

> Picard never pretends to be a bum to get a date. Kirk doesn't have the acting skill.

>> Sisko actually needs a barber once in a while.

>>> None of them could never act like a prostitute to gain a tactical advantage.

 

76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.

> Starfleet would never waste a holodeck on someone like Kirk. Kirk would waste a holodeck on green Orion slave girls to be at his beck and call.

>> Sisko uses the holosuites to outsmart the enemy AND fish.

>>> Janeway's holo-characters fall in love with her. Picard's holo-characters want to kill him.

 

73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.

> Picard's counselor can beat an android at chess.

>> Sisko can beat a 300-year old Trill at chess.

>>> Who has the time for Chess?

 

68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.

> Picard looks good with NO shirt (or pants).

>> Sisko takes better care of himself and his uniform.

>>> Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.

 

66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."

> Picard says "Think first and you'll always discover a sensible solution."

>> And while they argue, the Defiant could destroy them BOTH.

>>> Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force."

 

65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.

> Kirk's first officer was trying to get rid of him.

>> Sisko's first officer is intelligent, sexy, and can kick ass!

>>> Janeway doesn't need her first officer's permission to blow up her ship.

 

63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.

> Picard doesn't rely on weak over-acting to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.

>> Sisko's mentor is now a hot, young lieutenant.

>>> Janeway's mentor is a Vulcan.

 

60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"

> Picard never destroyed his own ship on purpose.

>> Sisko was willing to go down with the Saratoga.

>>> Episodes before surrendering the ship: Janeway: 41 Picard: 1

 

59. Kirk is not politically correct.

> That's O.K., Kirk's not correct on much else, either.

>> There's no time for P.C. in the Gamma Quadrant.

>>> There's no time for P.C. in the Delta Quadrant, yet Janeway manages to be anyway.

 

58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.

> Picard never got dumped by a woman who would rather chase whales.

>> Sisko punched out said busybody, which Picard never had the guts to do. And Sisko would have found his own whales.

>>> Said busybody asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused.

 

53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.

> Kirk's girlfriends look better in no light.

>> DS9 is really dark. All the time.

>>> Voyager doesn?t get power outages.

 

51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.

> Picard's first officer doesn't play some wimpy instrument like a harp.

>> Major Kira is a freedom fighter, not a musician.

>>> Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.

 

50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.

> Picard is man enough not to kiss and tell.

>> With a little luck, Sisko could actually sleep with his first officer. If Kirk or Picard tried that, I'd vomit!

>>> So could Janeway, as for Sisko and Kira? I don't think so!!

 

49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."

> Kirk couldn't learn a second language if he wanted to.

>> Sisko doesn't need another language. Even the Gamma Quadrant races speak English.

>>> She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.

 

48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.

> Kirk always was a little too obsessed with food.

>> See number #49

>>> See number #49

 

43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.

> Kirk cheated on his final exams at Starfleet Academy.

>> Sisko graduated just like everyone else. At least he didn't get stabbed through the heart awaiting his first assignment.

>>> Janeway graduated just like everyone else and is smart enough to have a Vulcan officer.

 

42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.

> Picard is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control.

>> Sisko has the one son, and he didn't get butchered by Klingons or genetically altered by crazy Ferengi.

>>> Janeway is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control. And she never has to worry about meeting a son she never knew she had.

 

39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.

> Picard is cultured. Kirk wouldn't know a salad fork from a dessert fork.

>> Sisko grew up in New Orleans, which is a helluva lot tougher than France and Iowa put together.

>>> Who cares where you grow up, what matters is what you can do, and Janeway can do all.

 

37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulfur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)

> We know all McGyver-isms are full of ######.

>> Sisko made a bomb out of old rocks.

>>> Janeway knows batter than to get herself in those types of situations.

 

35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippie goofs.

> Picard knows how to deal with war-mongering Cardassians, greedy Ferengi, and bloodthirsty Klingons -- without people dying.

>> Sisko deals with all of that on a daily basis, plus belligerent Jem'Hadar and unruly Maquis.

>>> Janeway deals with all of the above plus a couple of races that the others have never met.

 

34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.

> Picard IS a Greek god. 'Nuff said.

>> Sisko destroyed a valuable wormhole to save the quadrant. Kirk killed Apollo to save himself. Picard nearly destroyed humanity.

>>> Janeway is a Goddess, and we all know that the Goddesses are the ones who held the power.

 

33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.

> Picard knows the value of advice. Many minds are better than one.

>> Sisko can ask cool people like Garak, Dax, Odo, and Gul Dukat.

>>> Doesn't need her psychiatrist next to her when making critical decisions.

 

32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.

> Picard already *knows* what the doctor wants him to do! :lol:

>> Sisko's doctor has his own Estrogen Brigade.

>>> Janeway mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.

 

30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.

> Picard's name is respected throughout the universe.

>> Sisko's name is known in the Gamma Quadrant.

>>> Janeway's name is known, respected, AND feared throughout the Delta Quadrant.

 

25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.

> Picard's son would never do science using unethical methods.

>> Sisko's son can disable a Runabout, write poetry and play dom-jot.

>>> Janeway never worries about meeting a son she never knew she had.

 

23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.

> Picard never hired an engineer with a drinking problem.

>> Sisko's engineer's accent is authentic. And he drinks coffee.

>>> Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over her eyes.

 

21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.

> Polyester and Formica don't come in that color.

>> The Defiant's bridge doesn't have a stupid railing in the way.

>>> Voyager just has a cool bridge.

 

18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.

> Cats *like* Picard. Kirk only beamed the tribbles away after he found out he couldn't have sex with them.

>> Cute things are often deadly, see "The Abandoned (DS9)"

>>> The only cute thing on Voyager is the baby.

 

16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.

> Clearly showing that he is both LAZY and a BOY.

>> Sisko stands at attention in Ops.

>>> Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.

 

15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.

> Picard *never* serves Romulan Ale at a diplomatic function.

>> Sisko could cater a diplomatic function.

>>> Janeway doesn't do diplomatic functions.

 

13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon --easily.

> Picard can infiltrate Romulus and Qo'Nos...easily.

>> Sisko infiltrated Cardassia Prime...twice!

>>> Janeway infiltrated the toughest prisons in the galaxy.

 

11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.

> When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he sends Troi over to kick some butt.

>> Sisko had a Romulan work for him.

>>> The Borg are much worse than the Romulans and Janeway got them to work for her.

 

9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.

> Starfleet never trusted Kirk with command codes in the first place. Picard would never let some Irish-ballad-singing Lieutenant order hot fudge sundaes for the entire crew.

>> DS9 has never contracted the Psi 2000 virus. But when Lwaxana made the entire crew horny, Sisko brushed it off.

>>> Voyager's main computer has bio-processing, far superior to what the others had.

 

8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.

> This is exactly why the Enterprise, under Kirk, spent most of its five-year mission either without warp drive or adrift.

>> DS9 just waits and lets the action come to it.

>>> Voyager's engines can go 9.7 sustained warp.

 

7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.

> When Picard says "Boldly Go," all the women in the audience collapse in a smoldering heap of estrogen. When he says "Come," they do!

>> Sisko has boldly gone after the Founders, and he found them!

>>> Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.

 

 

4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.

> Neither was God.

>> Sisko met Q and punched him.

>>> Picard, a mere 1,000 light-years from home, got down on his knees and begged Q to get the Enterprise out of its mess. Janeway, 40,000 light-years from home, didn't.

 

2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.

> Kirk's redshirts/Security Chiefs never lived long enough to grow one. Picard doesn't need a new Chief of Security every episode.

>> One word: Odo!

>>> Janeway's Security Chief is smarter than their Security Chiefs. And her Security Officer would never drink prune juice.

 

1. One Word: Balls.

> One Word: Balls.

>> Not only does Sisko have balls, but he's black too!

>>> Janeway doesn't need them.

My favorites from the 100 reasons list... :rolleyes:

[Elgor 0]

Joe when you originally posted it it had a black hole what happened to the hole i mean really that was funny with data saying it was a ho

Edited December 7, 2005 by Elgor

[Joe Giliberti 0]

Lets just say someone suggested I remove it due to it being offensive. I still have the original on my PC.

[Joe Mathews 0]

Windows has detected that you don't have a keyboard! Press 'F9' to continue.

[Elgor 0]

LOL that actually might happen one day if Bill Gates ever does become a admiral with lawyers that can destroy a Borg ship. I mean really if he can do that he can do anything

[eagle 0]

Hopes the great and powerful PASTA monster gobbles up gates .. :rolleyes:

[Elgor 0]

As long as gates doesn't rule i'm happy with a United Earth

[Joe Giliberti 0]

Hopes the great and powerful PASTA monster gobbles up gates .. :rolleyes:

I would much rather prefer if you refered to it as The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

[WesleyMustDie 0]

I would much rather prefer if you refered to it as The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

I thought it was Great Spaghetti Monster. :rolleyes:

[Joe Giliberti 0]

Linky

[Dumbass 0]

I killed that monster once. Something about not being able to digest a phaser set on overload.

[eagle 0]

::goes over and rewinds....and resurrects the GREAT ONE...and sends it off

to devour gates...muwahahahahaha.....:: :rolleyes: :lol:

[Elgor 0]

GO GO GO GO GO!!!! GO SPAGHETTI MAN!!!!

[Garnoopy 0]

Does anyone know where you can find that clip, from the TNG DVD's, where Picard has a hat and cane and is singing on the bridge? I don't remember what season it was, maybe the first? But it was hilarious to see and I wonder if someone had *cough* backed *cough* it up and put it online.

[Elgor 0]

Yeah it's online i've wacthed it many times i'll add the link to this post Picard gone mad!

 

The following was edited::I just checked the site video is not avalible right now. L is the lovelight in your eyes.

lol

Edited December 11, 2005 by Elgor

[Elgor 0]

It's up now

[Joe Mathews 0]

~sigh~ii fit in

[Joe Giliberti 0]

That was in season 5, at the end of the tribute to Gene Roddenberry. He must have found Wesley Crusher's secret stash

[eagle 0]

"has wesleys secret stash......heh,heh "

[Elgor 0]

I think we all know what's in there!

 

::opens Wesley's stash it's full of hormones for him to grow::

I knew it!

Edited December 12, 2005 by Elgor

[Joe Mathews 0]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

 

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

 

Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

 

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

 

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.

 

Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

 

Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

 

Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

 

Quark: Who, me?

 

Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...

 

Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....you killed my...son!

 

Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!

 

Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

 

Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

 

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.

 

Dr. Bashir: It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers.

 

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

 

Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!

 

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

 

Picard: There are four lights!

 

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

 

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

 

Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

 

Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time.. did I scream this time?

 

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

 

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

 

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

 

Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

 

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

 

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!

 

Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!

 

Spock: Fascinating, Captain.

 

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

 

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

 

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction.

 

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them!

 

O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

 

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...

 

Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this?

 

Jake: Check out the babe that just came off that transport!

 

Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.

 

Sulu: Don't call me Tiny!

 

Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

 

Mr. Homn:

 

Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's...

 

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

 

Gene Roddenberry: To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.