Jokes

[Joe Mathews 0]

post jokes here

 

 

What if the Borg assimilated the Nanite culture

 

Ten results:

 

1.Borg ships the size of softballs.

2.Borg ships with the power output of a 30W light bulb.

3.Borg assimilation of tricorders and hand phasers becomes a real annoyance for Starfleet.

4.Borg get massacred by Packleds.

5.Ferengi discover that a trash can with a Borg cube in the bottom never has to be emptied.

6.Borg endangered by felines playing with their cubes.

7.The Borg scout cubes are found to be the advance over the Swiss Army knife that the Boy Scout knife wasn't.

8.Borg cubes make a great substitute for bricks.

9.Borg space heaters.

10.Borg Hockey!

[Joe Mathews 0]

TOP TEN PRACTICAL JOKES ON THE NEXT GENERATION

1.Riker's communicator pin replaced with Klingon agonizer

2.Worf's bed is short sheeted.

3.Captain Picard?s Earl-Grey secretly replaced with Folgers Crystals.

4.Data?s supply of WD-40 replaced with Super Extra Strength Hairspray.

5.Guinan keeps looking at Picard, then at her watch, then at Picard, then at her watch, then...

6.Geordi's visor wired to receive only the SCI-FI channel.

7.Troi locked in turbolift with Andrew Dice Clay.

8.Beverly Crusher tells Picard that Wesley *MIGHT* be his son, but nothing else

9.Worf is mistakenly quoted as "I am *NOT* a homosexual!"

10.Starfleet Academy computer enrolls Wesley in nothing but wood shop classes.

[Dumbass 0]

7.Troi locked in turbolift with Andrew Dice Clay.

Oh, man, I would pay good money to see that!! :lol:

 

The rest of those jokes were pretty lame though.

[Joe Giliberti 0]

 

The rest of those jokes were pretty lame though.

Yeah, they weren't great

[eagle 0]

2,6,7,&9....were pretty good joe keep it up :lol:

[Joe Mathews 0]

hehehehehehehe ::would steal heaps from sbd if computer didn't keep crashing ::

[Guest Vulcan3324]

Meh... 10 of the second post gave me a chuckle.

[Joe Mathews 0]

Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign

 

 

The problem is something 'bout your clothes, she said to me

The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, "I'm Security!"

And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, you'll get to see

There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

He takes a landing party down to find what's going on

A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along

And then before you know it - the `expendable' are gone

There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

Fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just step on a rock, Jock

Get thorns from some plants, Lance

A Horta can spray, Ray

Just listen to me

Clouds drink up your blood, Bud

Computers can kill, Bill

You could lose all your salt, Walt

Kirk gets away free...

She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves

Not ev'ryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse

But then of course, you must recall - they sometimes suffer worse

There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just tell him, "I'm not stupid and I'm not expendable

I'm not going!" Tell him that he's a Denebian slime devil

And he's overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial

He'll find a new way to kill an ensign

Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign

[DaryusZaphodDracal 0]

:lol: B) :P Funny stuff Joe.

[Elgor 0]

Joe u are the unoffiacial morale officer now....Oh y couldn't be official then u get paid :lol:

[eagle 0]

Hey joe,loved it,good reading.....and i liked the song you based the theme on too,very nice indeed,sly,but nice indeed...leads me to wonder how many of

the group actually remember or know the original song.... :P :lol: B)

[Cptn Corizon 0]

Just 50? ::blinks::

[Guest Vulcan3324]

I can think of a few more. :lol:

[eagle 0]

knows a few more..heh,heh... :lol: B)

[Elgor 0]

I know someone who knows how to make a redshirt wish he was dead and in my opinion that's worse

:Screams:PLEASE TAKE THE CHEESEGRATER AWAY PLEASEEE!!!!! JUST SEND THE VULCAN BACK IN AND FINISH ME!!!!!!!!!!!

[Joe Mathews 0]

Star Trek TNG Meets Microsoft

 

 

Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

 

Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

 

 

 

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

 

Riker: [puzzled] What the hell is Microsoft?

 

Data: [turns to explain] Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

 

Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

 

Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

 

Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable geometric shape idea.

 

 

 

. . . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

 

Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the Windows in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected upgrade.

 

Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

 

Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

 

Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

 

Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F!

 

Geordi: [excited] Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

 

Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?

 

Data: [studying displays] Apparently the Borg have found the internal Windows module named Solitaire, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.

 

Picard: Lets wait and see how long this Solitaire can reduce their functionality.

 

. . . . Two Hours Pass . . .

 

Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?

 

Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more Windows modules from something called the Microsoft Fun-Pack.

 

Picard: How much time will that buy us?

 

Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours.

 

Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

 

Picard: Identify.

 

Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo...

 

 

[over the speakers] This is admiral Bill Gates of the Microsoft flagship MONOPOLY. We have positive confirmation of unregistered software in this sector. Surrender all assets and we can avoid any trouble. You have 10 seconds to comply.

 

Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.

 

Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!

 

Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!

 

Data: I do not believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

 

Riker and Picard, together [horrified]: Lawyers!!

 

Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

 

Data: True, but apparently some must have survived.

 

Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.

 

Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It often proves fatal.

 

Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces!

 

Picard: Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesn't deserve such a gruesome death!

[WesleyMustDie 0]

ROFL....that one's good.

[eagle 0]

excellent,..seems familar...but excellent

[Joe Giliberti 0]

How about:

 

Microsoft Data (I didn't write this)

 

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

 

PICARD: On screen.

 

[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]

 

PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

 

DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?

 

PICARD: Very well....

 

[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]

 

PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

 

DATA: Aye, sir.

 

[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]

 

WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

 

PICARD: Shields up!

 

DATA: I am sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

 

PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important! I want those shields up right now!

 

DATA: I am sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.

 

LAFORGE: Allow me, Captain. (to Data) Control-alt-delete, Data.

 

[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]

 

DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans.

 

[LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]

 

PICARD: Shields...

 

[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]

 

PICARD: ...Up, Data!

 

DATA: Aye, sir.

 

RIKER: All decks, damage report!

 

WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

 

[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]

 

DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

 

PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.

 

WORF: Aye, sir.

 

[He punches buttons on the weapons console.]

 

PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

 

DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.

 

PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

 

DATA: Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.

 

PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

 

RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

 

LAFORGE: (in a surprised voice) What!!? I thought YOU still had them!

 

PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?

 

DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.

 

PICARD: Data, I don't have Setup Implant 1.

 

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

 

PICARD: Abort!

 

DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

 

PICARD: Well, fail, then!

 

DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

 

[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.

 

LAFORGE: (alarmed) Data, what the hell are you doing?

 

PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

 

RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial control robots.

 

[suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]

 

PICARD: What's going on?

 

LAFORGE: (checking the helm console) Data has caused a General Protection Fault in the warp core!

 

PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything with them.

 

[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]

 

FERENGI: (with a mercenary grin) Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

[Kestra 0]

I'm not big on jokes in general, but I found the ones on Bernd's EAS site quite humorous. I'm only posting one in particular here. Check them out; they're very funny.

 

Anyone who has spent time looking at fan Trek sites on the internet knows how irritating they can be. I found this list hilarious, even though it's very sarcastic.

 

 

Top thirty ways to create a successful Star Trek website

 

30. Don't ponder whether your visitors have a browser compatible with style sheets, PNGs, Java, JavaScript or Shockwave Flash. You may safely assume that everyone has always the most advanced hardware and software.

 

29. In particular, don't pay attention to the obstinate minority of Netscape users. Make your site for use with Internet Explorer only. In order to prevent anyone from seeing your website without indispensable features like a colored scroll bar, ensure this with a browser check.

 

28. While you're at it, let the site run in full-screen mode only. After all, there can be nothing more important on your visitor's computer than your site.

 

27. Use special cursors or other unusual plug-ins and remind your visitors to get these incredibly important tools with each page loading. They will gladly download and install dozens of components only to view your site.

 

26. Java applets are still the best way to create LCARS style menus. How exciting it is to wait for the Java machine to initialize and for the buttons to slowly appear and disappear one after another! There is nothing better to do for the visitor during his online time. Special tip: Include extra delay and a few dummy buttons, just for fun!

 

25. Everything published in the web is public domain. Get all your content from other websites and don't bore your visitors with unnecessary credits.

 

24. Be sure to disable the right mouse button. You're the web*master*, and the visitor shouldn't be able to steal things as easily as you.

 

23. You don't need a link page. But demand that every Trek webmaster add your link on their site, preferably a big banner on their main page.

 

22. Advertise your site at message boards every day. Say that it is the best Trek site ever and other superlatives. CAPITALIZE every letter.

 

21. Creative orthography is a way to emphasize the distinctiveness of your site.

 

20. If you don't have enough content on your site, you should at least change the site design and announce a big relaunch every two weeks. Take the site offline until the relaunch, to make it more thrilling.

 

19. Get several pop-ups to stress the importance of your site and be sure that the pop-ups reappear every time a new page is loaded.

 

18. Before actually entering the site, list the system requirements, explain the navigation and require the visitor to agree to your terms of service. Let the visitor confirm each requirement separately.

 

17. Display all your webring memberships, awards, cyber pets, rotating banners and Get Shockwave! buttons on your main page. The more you gather of them, the more your creativity will be admired.

 

16. Be sure to hide the "Enter" link somewhere between the banners, so searching it will be even more fun.

 

15. A page name is not part of the actual site design. You don't have to name the pages. Just keep "Untitled Page" or whatever the editor calls it. If you do give them names though, they should never be too long. "Index" or "Links" is more than sufficient. Visitors will appreciate the additional entertainment of seeking for your site among their bookmarks.

 

14. Open a new browser window for each page. For the Star Trek fan, with his above-average intelligence, it will be fascinating to go through a maze of windows.

 

13. Navigation is only fun if the visitor is not told in advance where a link will lead him. Instead of labeling them, provide only image links, and use icons that are not immediately recognizable.

 

12. In order to make navigation an even more exciting experience, replace the link display in the browser's status line with a more interesting message (such as "sign my guestbook" or "buy CDs at MySponsor"). In addition, the visited link color should always be the same as the link color.

 

11. Also, don't distinguish between internal and external links. Let the work of other fans look as if it belonged to your site. Always open other sites in your frame set.

 

10. Optimize your page design for 1600*1200 pixels. This is what any serious user should have anyway. But compress all the essential text to 640 pixels width so you have the rest for extensive graphical design.

 

9. If you use frames, a left, middle, top and bottom frame are imperative, a right and upper left frame optional. Your frames must be optimized for 1600*1200 pixels too, and don't forget to suppress the scroll bars!

 

8. Don't overload your pages with information. If you have longer articles, split them into pages with at most one paragraph or 100 words and with at least ten pages per article. But load new backgrounds and banners with each new page. Especially the offline surfers will be excited to go online again to read the rest.

 

7. You don't need a pixel graphics software if you want to change an image to a different size or aspect ratio. Just use the width and height tag to fit all graphics into your page design.

 

6. If you have a black background image, you must set the HTML bgcolor to white, and vice versa. The visitor's eyes will welcome the change while the page is loading.

 

5. All graphics must be animated GIFs or Flash. Those who prefer a boring still screen should rather read a book.

 

4. If you have large images for download, don't bother your visitors with thumbnails which can hardly give an impression of the stunning quality of a 1600*1200 pixel Windows desktop background. Put them all on one page, so it is easy to compare them. Nice side effect: The imminent system crash is a decent way to tell backward people to get a new graphics board and/or computer.

 

3. Large fonts are for beginners. Look what the professionals do. The more important your site is supposed to be, the smaller you should make the font size. It is a decent way to tell visitors to see their optician.

 

2. Only Star Trek fonts create a real Trek feeling. Don't only use them for the headlines.

 

1. Oh, I forgot an important exception: Fonts may be large if they are also bold, colorful and blinking.

Edited December 4, 2005 by Kestra

[LtCmdr Kennin 0]

I made reference to this one before a sim recently, so I suppose it's only fair to offer it.

 

"What If Dr. Seuss Wrote for Star Trek: TNG"

 

Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,

So, Data, please, how far? How far?

 

Data: Our ship can get there very fast

But still the trip will last and last

We'll have two days til we arrive

But can the Indrans there survive?

 

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

 

LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!

 

Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!

Please make it so, please make it so!

 

Read the rest here, it's rather lengthy: http://www.seuss.org/seuss/seuss.sttng.html

[Nicolas Lepage 0]

Good one Kes. I have to admit though that I never managed to really enter one of those sites. Tip number 16 always prevented me from doing so :lol:.

[Joe Giliberti 0]

There are very few fansites I will go to. Really just The Daystrom Institute Technical Library and Ex Astris Scientia

Edited December 4, 2005 by Joe Giliberti

[Kestra 0]

There are very few fansites I will go to. Really just The Daystrom Institute Technical Library and Ex Astris Scientia

Yep, "Ex Astris Scientia" is the site I pulled the joke from. A number of his partner sites are interesting as well.

[Jason Craz 0]

I have one that I did not write, and might upset some Picard fans. This was written about by the end of season 2 of Voyager.

 

Be warned, this one is SUPER long!

 

Reasons why Kirk is better than Picard

>Why Picard is better than Kirk

>> Why Sisko is better than Picard and Kirk

>>>Why Janeway is better than all three!

 

100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.

> Picard is a lover, not a fighter.

>> Sisko is a leader AND a fighter.

>>> Hostile aliens surrounding her, half the crew are spies, the nearest help is 75 years away, and she's still kept the ship together.

 

 

99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.

> Kirk could never really fit into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.

>> There's nothing kinky about Sisko's jumpsuit.

>>> Janeway has a better jumpsuit than all of them.

 

98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.

> Sex with Picard is worth waiting for a whole season.

>> Sisko is still in mourning for his wife, which neither Kirk nor Picard would know anything about.

>>> Had sex with a crewmember and "might have initiated it."

 

97. One Word: Hair.

> One word: sex appeal (OK, two words).

>> Sisko has both but needs neither.

>>> Three words: Lots of hair..

 

96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.

> Another word: Damn-good-looking-don't-need-a-weave!

>> Sisko has hair and it's REAL.

>>> More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined

 

95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.

> Picard can beat up a Klingon bare.... (heheh) ;->

>> Sisko can beat up the Jem'Hadar!

>>> Janeway could've beaten the Nausicaans at dom jot without rigging the table.

 

94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.

> Kirk doesn't have a sexy accent at all.

>> Avery Brooks and Sisko are BOTH American.

>>> Has a more manly voice.

 

93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!

> Kirk would date anything claiming to be female (see 69).

>> Sisko has his urges under control.

>>> Janeway has decorum and has a significant other back home.

 

92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.

> Kirk obviously has a bladder problem.

>> Sisko drinks raktajino.

>>> Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.

 

91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.

> Diplomacy for Picard is a red bow tie and a smile (and nothing else).

>> Diplomacy for Sisko is collapsing the wormhole.

>>> Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.

 

90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.

> Picard would personally throw Kirk off his bridge. Wesley Crusher would have been running the Enterprise had Kirk been his captain, and Kirk would never have known.

>> Sisko hates Picard. HATES him. And he doesn't care about Kirk.

>>> 45 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.

 

89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.

> Two words: Picard Maneuver Two more words: Well endowed

>> Sisko prefers to beat people with the butt of a phaser. And he would never be so desperate as to warp into a Ferengi vessel!

>>> Three Words: Very Well Endowed

 

88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.

> Admirals don't WANT to lunch with Kirk.

>> Sisko wears the same uniform everyday, regardless of who drops by.

>>> Janeway doesn?t have to deal with admirals at all and looks a lot better in a dress than the rest of them

 

87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."

> Picard (on the SoL) says "I've got a great crew - and they're all beauties!"

>> Sisko would never get a belly-ache; he loves Cajun food. And you want to talk about beauties? Check out Kira and Dax!

>>> Janeway is a beauty.

 

86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.

> Kirk has no singing voice, that's why they don't bother asking him to sing.

>> Avery Brooks can sing just fine; he's worked in musicals before. On the other hand, Shatner sang "Mr. Tambourine Man." smile.gif

>>> To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song...in French...about a monk...who can't wake up for morning bells.

 

85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.

> Kirk drives his *own* stick shift; Picard can ride a horse! :-)

>> Sisko has more important things to do than driving automobiles and ride horses. (BTW, Kirk can ride a horse too)

>>> When you?re trying to get to a home 70 million light years away, who has time for cars and horses?

 

84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.

> Kirk secretly wanted to father Earth's whale population.

>> If Sisko went back in time, he would have had enough sense to replicate some MONEY first!

>>> Janeway did go back in time and remembered to replicate money first.

 

83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"

> Picard says "Kirk? What Kirk?"

>> Sisko ignores the PD and doesn't know anything about Kirk. Plus, he HATES Picard (that's worth saying again).

>>> Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.

 

82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.

> Picard has enough brain cells to think up more creative insults.

>> Kirk was just a parrot when it came to profanity, and Picard swears in French. Sisko has O'Brien, and he says "bloody."

>>> Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."

 

81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.

> Picard NEVER acted like a horse while some midget rode him.

>> Kirk would have needlessly destroyed the Enterprise trying to fight the Borg. Picard once pretended Comdr. Riker was his daddy.

>>> Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0

 

80. Kirk ate little colored cubes and still remained relatively healthy.

> Picard knows how to use chopsticks for more than walrus imitations.

>> Sisko can actually COOK real food like jambalya.

>>> The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.

 

79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.

> Kirk *was* low performance technology...

>> Sisko makes do with ALIEN technology.

>>> Janeway makes do without the Federation helping her all the time.

 

78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.

> Picard never pretends to be a bum to get a date. Kirk doesn't have the acting skill.

>> Sisko actually needs a barber once in a while.

>>> None of them could never act like a prostitute to gain a tactical advantage.

 

77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off--even around those pesky Yeomans.

> Picard isn't shy about taking his pants off--even around those pesky Cardassians.

>> Sisko doesn't have any pesky yeomen. And the only time he takes off his pants for a Cardassian is to have them MENDED!

>>> Janeway doesn?t have any pesky yeomen or any pesky Cardassians.

 

76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.

> Starfleet would never waste a holodeck on someone like Kirk. Kirk would waste a holodeck on green Orion slave girls to be at his beck and call.

>> Sisko uses the holosuites to outsmart the enemy AND fish.

>>> Janeway's holo-characters fall in love with her. Picard's holo-characters want to kill him.

 

75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.

> Picard never once stood up and had to suck in his gut.

>> Sisko's uniform hides his gut AND doesn't ride up.

>>> She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands AND she doesn?t have a gut, AND her uniform doesn?t ride up.

 

74. One Word: Velour.

> Three words: Stretch velour jodhpurs

>> One word: Turtleneck

>>> Three words: Form fitting uniform

 

73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.

> Picard's counselor can beat an android at chess.

>> Sisko can beat a 300-year old Trill at chess.

>>> Who has the time for Chess?

 

72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.

> Spock shoulda let him fall.

>> Sisko won't retire before his 65th birthday like Kirk did.

>>> Janeway definitely won?t retire before her 65th birthday either and she?ll look better than all of them when she is.

 

71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.

> Kirk slept his way to the top. Picard earned it.

>> Sisko may only be a Commander, but his job is incredibly important, more so than the captain of any starship. Plus, he has a warship, not a family-laden starship.

>>> Janeway is a woman and the Captain of a cool starship.

 

70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.

> Picard likes a good glass of wine every now and again.

>> I said it before, I'll say it again: raktajino.

>>> Janeway knows enough to stay sober.

 

69. One Word: Iman

> One word: Kamala

>> Five words: Nana Visitor and Terry Farrell

>>> Who the hell are they?

 

68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.

> Picard looks good with NO shirt (or pants).

>> Sisko takes better care of himself and his uniform.

>>> Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.

 

67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and ###### down its neck.

> Picard has better things to do with his time.

>> Sisko exploits Quark's abilities for his own use.

>>> Janeway can get anyone to help her.

 

66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."

> Picard says "Think first and you'll always discover a sensible solution."

>> And while they argue, the Defiant could destroy them BOTH.

>>> Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force."

65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.

> Kirk's first officer was trying to get rid of him.

>> Sisko's first officer is intelligent, sexy, and can kick ass!

>>> Janeway doesn't need her first officer's permission to blow up her ship.

 

64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.

> Kirk just leaves the room to bawl.

>> Sisko's crew doesn't do stupid things that provoke bawling.

>>> Janeway?s crew is smarter than Sisko?s crew.

 

63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.

> Picard doesn't rely on weak over-acting to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.

>> Sisko's mentor is now a hot, young lieutenant.

>>> Janeway?s mentor is a Vulcan.

 

62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.

> Three Words: No Funky Bellbottoms.

>> Sideburns? No bellbottoms? Sisko's your man.

>>> Sideburns? No bellbottoms? Janeway's your WOMAN.

 

61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.

> Kirk never asked his Chief Medical Officer to be bartender.

>> Sisko's bartender can break high-level Cardassiansecurity codes.

>>> Janeway doesn?t have a bartender, so her crew is sober.

 

60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"

> Picard never destroyed his own ship on purpose.

>> Sisko was willing to go down with the Saratoga.

>>> Episodes before surrendering the ship: Janeway: 41 Picard: 1

 

59. Kirk is not politically correct.

> That's O.K., Kirk's not correct on much else, either.

>> There's no time for P.C. in the Gamma Quadrant.

>>> There's no time for P.C. in the Delta Quadrant, yet Janeway manages to be anyway.

 

58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.

> Picard never got dumped by a woman who would rather chase whales.

>> Sisko punched out said busybody, which Picard never had the guts to do. And Sisko would have found his own whales.

>>> Said busybody asked Janeway to run away with him and she refused.

57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.

> Kirk wouldn't look good in tights. Especially at midseason.

>> Kirk wore a ridiculously tight uniform. Sisko doesn't put up with Q's antics like Picard did

>>> Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!

 

56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.

> Picard can reason with Klingons.

>> Sisko can outsmart Cardassians.

>>> Janeway can make an alliance with the Borg

 

55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?

> Picard's Chief of Engineering has more important things to do than run the transporter.

>> Chief O'Brien can do just about anything. Plus, he's got real eyes and 10 fingers.

>>> B?Elana can do just about anything, plus SHE?S half-Klingon

 

54. One Word: Miniskirts.

> Two words: Bicycle shorts ;->

>> Two words: Unisex uniforms. Kirk abused his yeomen and Picard let Troi walk around in a bunny suit.

>>> Three words: Completely unisex uniforms.

 

53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.

> Kirk's girlfriends look better in no light.

>> DS9 is really dark. All the time.

>>> Voyager doesn?t get power outages.

 

52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.

> Picard takes responsibility for his actions.

>> Sisko doesn?t waste his time on pointless away missions.

>>> She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.

 

51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone.

> Picard's first officer doesn't play some wimpy instrument like a harp.

>> Major Kira is a freedom fighter, not a musician.

>>> Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.

 

50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.

> Picard is man enough not to kiss and tell.

>> With a little luck, Sisko could actually sleep with his first officer. If Kirk or Picard tried that, I'd vomit!

>>> So could Janeway, as for Sisko and Kira? I don?t think so!!

 

49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF."

> Kirk couldn't learn a second language if he wanted to.

>> Sisko doesn't need another language. Even the Gamma Quadrant races speak English.

>>> She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.

 

48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.

> Kirk always was a little too obsessed with food.

>> See number #49

>>> See number #49

 

47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.

> Kirk wouldn't know a 20th Century knife if it Bobbit'ed him

>> Sisko owns stuff from Africa. Picard has a stupid head filled with tiny figurines. And Kirk's apartment was full of clocks.

>>> Janeway has dogs and a significant other, not some damn fish!

 

46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.

> Picard doesn't rely on a middle name to be tough or awe-inspiring.

>> Sisko's first name is tougher than Jim or Jean-Luc.

>>> She has both a tougher first name and last name than all of them!

 

45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.

> Is that what you call a blow job?

>> If Sisko saw a strange spinning probe, he'd cloak and let it go away.

>>> If Janeway found a strange spinning probe then she?d find a way to use it against the enemy,

 

44. Picard never met Joan Collins.

> Picard has much better luck.

>> Sisko would not have screwed up enough to require a visit to 1930.

>>> Janeway met Automated Unit 3947, the evil twin brother of Twiggie from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.

 

43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.

> Kirk cheated on his final exams at Starfleet Academy.

>> Sisko graduated just like everyone else. At least he didn't get stabbed through the heart awaiting his first assignment.

>>> Janeway graduated just like everyone else and is smart enough to have a Vulcan officer.

 

42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.

> Picard is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control.

>> Sisko has the one son, and he didn't get butchered by Klingons or genetically altered by crazy Ferengi.

>>> Janeway is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control. And she never has to worry about meeting a son she never knew she had.

 

41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.

> Picard has cool touch pads -- not some clickety-click buttons.

>> Sisko has a massive space station AND a super gunship --not some flimsy saucer-and-two-nacelles starship.

>>> Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles AND her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles

 

40. Two Words: Line Delivery.

> Two Words: Over Acting Two words: Rescue 911

>> Four words: A Man Called Hawk

>>> Two Words: Line Delivery

 

39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.

> Picard is cultured. Kirk wouldn't know a salad fork from a dessert fork.

>> Sisko grew up in New Orleans, which is a helluva lot tougher than France and Iowa put together.

>>> Who cares where you grow up, what matters is what you can do, and Janeway can do all.

 

38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.

> PSEB knows how Picard emphasizes the important orations.

>> Sisko uses his hands for cooking and fighting; his speech needs no supplements.

>>> Janeway can use her hands to fix things.

 

37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulfur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)

> We know all McGyver-isms are full of ######.

>> Sisko made a bomb out of old rocks.

>>> Janeway knows batter than to get herself in those types of situations.

 

36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.

> Kirk would have sex with *anything*. Picard was never put off by intelligence.

>> Picard balked for years with Beverly. Sisko has a son to raise.

>>> Janeway doesn?t need it.

 

35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippie goofs.

> Picard knows how to deal with war-mongering Cardassians, greedy Ferengi, and bloodthirsty Klingons -- without people dying.

>> Sisko deals with all of that on a daily basis, plus belligerent Jem'Hadar and unruly Maquis.

>>> Janeway deals with all of the above plus a couple of races that the others have never met.

 

34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.

> Picard IS a Greek god. 'Nuff said.

>> Sisko destroyed a valuable wormhole to save the quadrant. Kirk killed Apollo to save himself. Picard nearly destroyed humanity.

>>> Janeway is a Goddess, and we all know that the Goddesses are the ones who held the power.

 

33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.

> Picard knows the value of advice. Many minds are better than one.

>> Sisko can ask cool people like Garak, Dax, Odo, and Gul Dukat.

>>> Doesn't need her psychiatrist next to her when making critical decisions.

 

32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.

> Picard already *knows* what the doctor wants him to do! wink.gif

>> Sisko's doctor has his own Estrogen Brigade.

>>> Janeway mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.

 

31. One Word: Fisticuffs.

> One Word: Cro-Magnon (Kirk, that is... wink.gif

>> Sisko can fight just as well as drugged-up Jem'Hadar!

>>> One Word: WOMAN.

 

30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.

> Picard's name is respected throughout the universe.

>> Sisko's name is known in the Gamma Quadrant.

>>> Janeway?s name is known, respected, AND feared throughout the Delta Quadrant.

 

29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.

> Kirk probably believes Shakespeare was a Klingon.

>> Sisko appreciates baseball!

>>> Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.

 

28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.

> Some men *like* to be tied up...oh! You said "locked"...;>

>> Sisko doesn't get locked up in the first place.

>>> Janeway doesn?t get locked up in the first place.

 

27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.

> Picard's eulogies make women swoon.

>> Sisko doesn't do eulogies. He doesn't have to.

>>>After all that Janeway?s gone through, she?s made very few eulogies.

 

26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.

> Picard *is* a god and doesn't need to exploit...

>> Sisko's job does not allow such leisure time.

>>> Janeway?s job does not allow such leisure time. They still have the Federation to back them up.

 

25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.

> Picard's son would never do science using unethical methods.

>> Sisko's son can disable a Runabout, write poetry and play dom-jot.

>>> Janeway never worries about meeting a son she never knew she had.

 

24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.

> Kirk tries to climb up any tube he can!

>> Sisko disabled the station's reactor before a meltdown. Kirk played with the main deflector dish.

>>> Janeway doesn?t get her ships into situations where afterwards they need to be fixed.

 

23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.

> Picard never hired an engineer with a drinking problem.

>> Sisko's engineer's accent is authentic. And he drinks coffee.

>>> Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over her eyes.

 

22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.

> Woman didn't have a word for shallow -- until they met Kirk.

>> The Bajorans didn't have an emissary -- until they met Sisko.

>>> No one had a word for beautiful - until they met Janeway.

 

21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.

> Polyester and Formica don't come in that color.

>> The Defiant's bridge doesn't have a stupid railing in the way.

>>> Voyager just has a cool bridge.

 

20. Two Words: Crane Shots.

> Two Words: Butt shots.

>> Two words: Wormhole shots

>>> Two words: warpdrive shots

 

19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.

> Picard is sensitive enough to realize that love of music is a human strength, not to be belittled.

>> With a Jem'Hadar invasion coming any day now, who has time for music?

>>> Trying to get to a home 70 million light years away, who has time for music?

 

18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.

> Cats *like* Picard. Kirk only beamed the tribbles away after he found out he couldn't have sex with them.

>> Cute things are often deadly, see "The Abandoned (DS9)"

>>> The only cute thing on Voyager is the baby.

 

17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.

> Picard knows he is a really nice guy -- Kirk just thinks he is a cultural icon.

>> Sisko is still on the air. Kirk and Picard are lost in reruns.

>>> Janeway?s still on the air and she gets better ratings.

 

16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.

> Clearly showing that he is both LAZY and a BOY.

>> Sisko stands at attention in Ops.

>>> Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.

 

15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.

> Picard *never* serves Romulan Ale at a diplomatic function.

>> Sisko could cater a diplomatic function.

>>> Janeway doesn?t do diplomatic functions.

 

14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."

> Picard looks distinguished in or out of anything - and nobody dares to call him baldy.

>> Sisko has hair and 20/20 vision.

>>> Janeway has more hair than all three combined AND has 20/20 vision.

 

13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon --easily.

> Picard can infiltrate Romulus and Qo'Nos...easily.

>> Sisko infiltrated Cardassia Prime...twice!

>>> Janeway infiltrated the toughest prisons in the galaxy.

 

12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.

> Picard can get nude models easily; Kirk -- well, maybe he could use a mirror.

>> Sisko studies the culinary arts.

>>> Janeway studies what she should, the universe.

 

11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.

> When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he sends Troi over to kick some butt.

>> Sisko had a Romulan work for him.

>>> The Borg are much worse than the Romulans and Janeway got them to work for her.

 

10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.

> Paramount knew no one would watch the show again if he did. There *is* a God.

>> Sisko never takes off his communicator...even on vacation.

>>> Voyager doesn?t have time for shore leave. And Jane way looks better in a swim suit anyway.

 

9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.

> Starfleet never trusted Kirk with command codes in the first place. Picard would never let some Irish-ballad-singing Lieutenant order hot fudge sundaes for the entire crew.

>> DS9 has never contracted the Psi 2000 virus. But when Lwaxana made the entire crew horny, Sisko brushed it off.

>>> Voyager?s main computer has bio-processing, far superior to what the others had.

 

8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.

> This is exactly why the Enterprise, under Kirk, spent most of its five-year mission either without warp drive or adrift.

>> DS9 just waits and lets the action come to it.

>>> Voyager?s engines can go 9.7 sustained warp.

 

7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.

> When Picard says "Boldly Go," all the women in the audience collapse in a smoldering heap of estrogen. When he says "Come," they do!

>> Sisko has boldly gone after the Founders, and he found them!

>>> Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.

 

6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick

> Three Words: Take me now. ;-> Three More Words: Chest-Revealing Bedwear

>> Does Sisko ever sleep?

>>> Janeway looks better in sleepwear.

 

5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.

> Wanna make a bet? The Looooooooooove Ship is fighting for time with him... BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>> Dax thought of Sisko as a sexual object.

>>> Janeway can be a sexual object when she wants to be, she just seldom needs to be.

 

4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.

> Neither was God.

>> Sisko met Q and punched him.

>>> Picard, a mere 1,000 light-years from home, got down on his knees and begged Q to get the Enterprise out of its mess. Janeway, 40,000 light-years from home, didn't.

 

3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.

> Picard's bedroom is a passion pit WITHOUT electric sheets.

>> Sisko is solely responsible for raising his son. That is his #1 priority.

>>> But Sisko still has time to sleep with Captain Bates.

 

2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.

> Kirk's redshirts/Security Chiefs never lived long enough to grow one. Picard doesn't need a new Chief of Security every episode.

>> One word: Odo!

>>> Janeway's Security Chief is smarter than their Security Chiefs. And her Security Officer would never drink prune juice.

 

1. One Word: Balls.

> One Word: Balls.

>> Not only does Sisko have balls, but he's black too!

>>> Janeway doesn?t need them.