Joint Log: Captain Ayers & Commander Hawke

[Capt Ayers 0]

In another life in another dream

by a different name gave it all away

for a memory and a quiet lie

and I felt the face of a cold tonight

still don't know the score

but I know the pain

of leaving everything really far behind

--Heaven's not Enough

 

 

 

 

Nick watches Ethan's reaction as Dr. Pavilion remonstrates Ethan for returning to the hockey game. Before Ethan can react, Nick says "Doctor, as you may have noticed, the yellow alert just sounded. I will need Commander Hawke on the Control Tower. As there are chairs on the Control Tower, I assure you that Commander Hawke will remain off her injured leg. So please return to Sickbay and I will help the Commander."

 

Nick watches as Mimi considers that before finally nodding. With that the Doctor leaves and Nick turns his attention to Ethan. He steps towards her before saying "Now, come on. We need to get to the Control Tower. Lean against me so you keep your weight off your foot." He reaches a arm out to help but hesitates as he waits for her reply.

 

She steps into the turbolift, ignoring his arm. "Captain, I am quite capable of walking without assistance. I honestly do not understand why the doctor has so little faith in her own work. Mending a bone is a relatively simple procedure--one that I have been through many, many times, and one that I expect I will utilize on more than one occassion in the future. This is the 24th century after all, not the Dark Ages. I am more concerned with the cause of this yellow alert....sir."

 

Nick narrows his eyes as he regards her silently for a few seconds. Stepping into the turbolift he says "Muon reported that some sort of...large statue had appeared outside the station. So far it hasn't done anything yet other then sit there. I'm more concerned what the Cardassians are going to think then what a piece of galactic artwork is going to do."

 

He orders the lift to the Control Tower then sighs and leans back against the turbolift wall. Finally he mutters "Sir? I'm starting to hate that word when it comes from you. If you're going to slap me across the face then at least actually do it and get it over with." He shakes his head "I spend the better part of my life building walls and keeping people out and when I find someone that I don't need to or want to do that with she shuts me out. So either slap me or if this is going to continue I swear to all the gods I don't believe in that I'm going to go stick my head in the fusion reactor and you can deal with Donato di Niccolò's galactic masterpiece outside."

 

Without missing a beat, Ethan replied, "I wouldn't recommend that, sir. It might damage the reactor, and that probably would not make Eli happy. In reality, however, you do outrank me, so 'sir' is an appropriate form of address. 'Hey, stupid' just doesn't convey the respect due your rank, if not your person. And in point of fact, Captain, I shut everyone out. After the headache that you and the doctor gave me--especially her, virtually shouting all those negative thoughts and emotions, and then giving me a dirty look for 'hearing'--when any telepath within 100 yards would have heard her--I have blocked pretty much everything. I don't wish to be blasted again for a few more days. I sounded off at Victor, thanks to that headache--not that he didn't deserve at least a little bit, but I do need to go apologize to him. I owe you an apology for blurting it out, but her shouting and the content thereof really took me by surprise. I'm sorry if that made things uncomfortable for you."

 

He pushes himself away from the turbolift wall and steps so that he's within mere inches of her. Quietly he says ""Sir" is an appropriate form of address on the Control Tower or anywhere else we happen to be when we're on duty and there are people around but there is no one here, Ethan, unless you think the Computer is going to up and decide that it gets to judge who and what we are. Yes in reality I do out-rank you...but that is only one part of reality and not the whole of it. Right now we could be in your quarters listening to music while stretched out on the couch and you'd still be calling me "sir." Though I suspect that you wouldn't let me so much as brush a hand against your face even if we were off duty and alone."

 

He sighs and shakes his head "I am sorry for what happened in Drankums, I should have been more careful and more attentive. You know me better then anyone else, you've seen things in my mind, dea...Ethan seen the depths of me that I have not shared with anyone else save my own family. And right now this is very much like trying to find one's balance while on one leg in the middle of a windstorm. But if you want or need to keep up this wall then I will wait, on that I have no choice." He steps back to where he was and again leans against the wall of the turbolift.

 

"I'm still sorry. I need some time to sort things out--as do you, I suspect. It has to have been a shock to find out that she... well, it had to bring up some difficult memories. I'm shielding as much to protect myself from you and to give you some time, as to get my own mind back in order." She sighs again, and stops speaking, not sure what else to say.

 

He sighs and shakes his head "I know, I guess I didn't quite realize how open we were being with our connection. It's become second nature, at least to me. Makes it rather easy to ignore the fact that it does have certain drawbacks at times. As for the Doctor's background, yeah it is a shock. And it does bring up a lot of difficult memories. Things I thought I dealt with or was dealing with. I think you know I haven't quite developed the equanimity that older El Aurians have when it comes to death and outli..." He frowns slightly and cuts himself off. He shakes his head slightly "I'll get past the concerns her being here brings to me, with your help and the others. And maybe one day she and I can talk about what happened without the emotional baggage it carries."

 

She shakes her head, "You are going to have to face that at some point. No matter if you can't bring yourself to say it or not. You may outlive everyone you currently call friend, ... or potential intimate companion. Until you come to grips with that, this is going to come up time after time after time. Only YOU can deal with that. I can't do too much to help you with that, nor can anyone else. But in the meantime, we have work to do." And with that, she walks out of the turbolift onto the CT.

 

He frowns slightly and then moves to fall into step with her. He says quietly so only she can hear "I am coming to grips with that but that will take time. And yes you can help me with that just by staying by me. You can't say that the fact that our probable lifespans are different hasn't occurred to you, I know that it has. But probable lifespan is just that...a probable lifespan. It's not something that is set in stone so I intend to take my life as it comes, the up and downs, in the company of the people I care about most and especially in the company of the woman I love." He pauses slightly then adds quietly "The alternative...shutting myself away in some monastic penence for being born what I am is not an alternative I would choose for myself..not anymore."

 

With that said he steps down to the center area of the control tower and turns his attention to the statue on the viewscreen.