Old Humor

[Grom 0]

I remember reading this when it first came out and it was so hilarious. I think I've seen one version with more than 500 (encompassed DS9 and VOY), but alas, I can't find it. ;)

 

Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

117 Things that never happen in Star Trek

 

1 The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has

encountered several times before.

 

2 The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who

are all perfectly all right.

 

3 Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.

 

4 The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which

later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny

hat.

 

5 The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for

which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise

sick-bay.

 

6 The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced

people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime

Directive.

 

7 The Enterprise succesfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to

another without a serious incident.

 

8 An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface

with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten

to bring the right leads.

 

9 A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a

faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering

staff.

 

10 The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence

which does not put them on trial.

 

11 The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence

which they easily pacife by offering it some candy.

 

12 The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where

everyone is happy all of the time. However , everything is soon

revealed to be exactly what it seems.

 

13 A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but

fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to

everyone's satisfaction.

 

14 The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which

is in some way unconnected with the late 20th Century.

 

15 Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,

and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

 

16 Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingy obvious.

 

17 The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort

themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius

Wesley Crusher.

 

18 Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy

git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age

for a change.

 

19 Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not

being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three

sentences that anyone says to him.

 

20 Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.

 

21 The Enterprise is waylaid by a couple of $7.99 surplus Klingon

cruisers, but the superior firepower of federation phasers blows them

into bits too small to find on the first shot.

 

22 A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a

computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection

feature called a 'fuse'.

 

23 The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

 

24 The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and

dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it

on in the end.

 

25 Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

 

26 The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

 

27 The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny,

day

 

28 An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered

without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent

a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."

 

29 Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

 

30 Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!

 

31 Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

 

32 Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.

 

33 Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show

up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?!

Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"

 

34 When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range

no one says "On screen."

 

35 Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond

to one of the Enterprise's hails.

 

36 Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in

"Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).

 

37 Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we

know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

 

38 Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than

ever.

 

39 Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot

flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.

 

40 Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.

 

41 Data falls in love with the replicator.

 

42 An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the

tale.

 

43 Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.

 

44 Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt.

(Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)

 

45 Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't

sacrifice herself for him.

 

46 Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics

 

47 Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by

alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan

physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.

 

48 The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to

understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.

 

49 A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and

suddenly has a surprise birthday party.

 

50 A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or

whatever.

 

51 McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a

doctor after all."

 

52 Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex

with.

 

53 Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.

 

54 Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."

 

55 Kirk gets Court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.

 

56 A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."

 

57 Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.

 

58 An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening

or menacing in any way.

 

59 Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.

 

60 The crew of the Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody

suffers major emotional trauma.

 

61 A major character dies and isn't resurrected.

 

62 The mysterious and giant threatening object is on a direct course for some

world other than Earth.

 

63 McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."

 

64 Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.

 

65 Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid!

What is it, a `Close Encounters' reject???"

 

66 Artificial intelligence and android technology make human

exploration of the galaxy obsolete.

 

67 The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.

 

68 Picard ignores Troi and blows the enemy out of the sky, in spite of

their "distressed" feelings.

 

69 Data figures out that being a robot is good.

 

70 Nobody uses the holodeck for a week.

 

71 The Enterprise encounters nothing analogous to human society in its

barbaric days.

 

72 The crew ejects the ship tailor, gets someone who makes jackets long

enough.

 

73 Dr. Crusher uses the wrong skin replacing magic-ray gun. LaForge is

white.

 

74 Someone gets drunk and pees all over himself in 10 Forward.

 

75 Troi is able to explain her accent.

 

76 Picard explains his accent.

 

77 The crew finds a reason for not letting the computer do everything.

 

78 The gravity generator goes out and the crew floats around the bridge.

 

79 Troi makes a funny face when Geordi explains that the enterprise's

source of drinking water is recycled human waste.

 

80 The crew beams down to a planet that requires them to wear space suits

or that has a gravity so strong it prevents them from moving around.

 

81 An information exchange with a vastly superior race directly leads to

new technology and an improvement in the quality of life in follow-on

episodes.

 

82 An unexpected failure in the transporter makes 17 identical copies of

Picard. They all get along fine.

 

83 An entire year goes by without the enterprise encountering any

relatives (daughter, sister, etc) of Tasha Yar.

 

84 A group of nearby spaceships are not all oriented exacly like each

other, in an upwards position.

 

85 Riker loses weight from the previous year's episodes.

 

86 A Star Fleet admiral gives Picard orders that present no moral dilema

for him and that he is glad to go along with.

 

87 A crewman getting addicted to living out violent and/or sexual

fantasies on the holodeck and have to be forceably removed.

 

88 A conference on some planet that doesn't involve running through

kidnap attempts and dodging time warps to go to/from.

 

89 Any member of the crew who isn't part of the bridge crew or happens

to be in a room or walking through a corridor when a member of the

bridge crew is there.

 

90 Tuvok starts to behave strangely, but becomes allright again after

the captain has spoken to him in private. Nine months later Janeway

gives birth to a brown child with pointed ears.

 

91 Anyone who works for a living.

 

92 Any horribly disfiguring disease or accident that can not be

instantly and completely recovered from.

 

93 A space battle where the two ships don't happen to occupy the same

shot.

 

94 Anyone yawning, stretching, scratching, picking their nose, going to

the bathroom, taking a bath, adjusting their underwear, burping or

otherwise. All of these things, like the need for money, have been

eliminated in the future.

 

95 The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced

people and decides to blow it off and go fishing.

 

96 Commander Riker and Geordi decide to pull a practical joke on Wesley

and beam him into the women's gymnasium shower room.

 

97 The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, and gets

hopelessly lost in the wrong star system.

 

98 The crew of the Next Generation sit around for an entire episode and

watch reruns of the original Star Trek.

 

99 Data gets too close to a hair-dryer and spends an entire episode

walking around flashing a well known Vulcan hand sign and saying

"live long and prosper".

 

100 The Enterprise crew is captured by a vastly superior alien

intelligence which puts them in a galactic cubby hole and forgets

about them.

 

101 The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to

another without his luggage.

 

102 An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to

the Enterprise's computer, only to be destroyed because it is the

wrong polarity.

 

103 A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a

faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering

staff. The part however has not been available for 200 years.

 

104 Over a period of two months, the entire crew of the Enterprise become

infected with chicken pox.

 

105 The Enterprise encounters a vastly inferior alien intelligence, which

they spend an entire episode belittling and embarrassing.

 

106 The Enterprise breaks down in deep space and has to be towed back to

a star base by a garbage scow.

 

107 Guinan reveals that on her home planet, all she ever did was work

at a Mcdonalds.

 

108 The Enterprise develops a bad case of 'space rust' and spends most of

an episode at drydock with painters wondering how to get the paint to

dry in outer space.

 

109 Captain Picard walks off the job for most of an episode in a dispute

over vacation and medical benefits.

 

110 Dr. Crusher receives a letter lost in the mail for 15 years from her

late husband telling her he has been having an affair and is leaving

her.

 

111 The warp engines start acting up a bit, and Geordi gets blown to bits

when he drops his visor in an engine while fixing it.

 

112 Wesley Crusher goes on a weekend jaunt with 'The Traveler' and comes

back 40 years older.

 

113 Counselor Troi tells Worf that he really is an evil rotten person

deep inside.

 

114 Data falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and stays

behind to get married and raise a family.

 

115 Somebody vacations on a planet other than Risa.

 

116 A major character has a serious character flaw.

 

117 A VIP visitor to the Enterprise is not a relative, lover or close

friend of a major character.

[HyperDrive 0]

I just spent a long time reading every one of these... and I realize that, surprisingly enough, most of these I have thought about at one time or another.

 

Sad.

[Kansas_Jones 0]

LOL. Good stuff!

[WesleyMustDie 0]

Seen 'em before, Grom! They're great, aren't they?

[Travis Kroells 0]

91 was proved wrong in DS9, didn't Sisko's dad own a restaurant or someting?

[Ramdar Goftar 0]

this is true

[DaryusZaphodDracal 0]

;) Funny stuff Grom. :lol:

[WesleyMustDie 0]

91 was proved wrong in DS9, didn't Sisko's dad own a restaurant or someting?

Yeah, but he didn't get paid for it. ;)

[eagle 0]

most excellent reading grom thanks.. :D ;) :lol:

[Kestra 0]

I love that some of these remind me of the academies I've been in. That's how you know that the GMs are doing a good job. ;)

 

 

2 The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who

are all perfectly all right.

 

7 The Enterprise succesfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to

another without a serious incident.

 

42 An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the

tale. (We'd have to replace "unknown ensign" with cadet).

[eagle 0]

I love that some of these remind me of the academies I've been in. That's how you know that the GMs are doing a good job. ;)

 

 

2 The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who

are all perfectly all right.

 

7 The Enterprise succesfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to

another without a serious incident.

 

42 An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the

tale. (We'd have to replace "unknown ensign" with cadet).

yes and these sims were recent........... :lol: :D :D

[WesleyMustDie 0]

We haven't had many deaths lately...

[koolaidman 0]

not to be an party pooper but...

 

14 The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which

is in some way unconnected with the late 20th Century.

 

"the 2 part episode "times arrow" form tng was set in the late 1800s

 

gosh get you facts right before posting!!!

 

i like them all they're quite funny. yay.