"Falling But Never Fallen"

[Tovan 0]

Lt. Cmdr Tovan

Log Entry

SD 50505.07

Time - 1744 hours

 

 

A man must begin to fall in order for him to realize that he is falling, if that man is honourable, he will change his ways therefore halts any further, he would not have fallen, not even if he was dead. Death is, as many spiritualists say, a road to a greater state of being. I think of that as illogical but of course there are many things in this universe that are unexplained therefore it is a logical step to keep the mind open to newer possibilities. Theories can be proven wrong, any theory could be proven wrong with one single quad of data, an impurity, chance and possible error, but never can any experiment prove a theory right. So my own theory about a man's own judgement shall now be tested.

 

Manticore have suffered yet another catastrophic battle with another craft, our systems have been crippled, primary, secondary and tertiary plasma distribution systems have been more or less disabled, all ship energy requirements are being fed through an alternate grid developed by the engineering repair crews. Life support is at best a low 46% but it will do. Engines have been reverse engineered to basic tritanium casing and multipolymer coils from massive plasma overloads, we are being towed to a Starbase. When I first was assigned to this ship I was not aware much of the blackops side of it, I looked at Manticore the same way others in the academy do - USS Manticore, Nebula Class, enhanced super structure, dual warp core system, classification - Tug. Emphasis on the word 'Tug'. It is this word that provided me the shame of being towed towards a Starbase. A specialized Tug boat - the Manticore - is being towed to a Starbase for recrewing, resupply and repair. This brings out new irony in my field or duty. But of course as a human expression would alter that thinking "who watches the watchers?"

 

These past days were hectic and I believe I have a minor concussion, I do not remember the last 15 minutes after recovering from a plasma overload within a display console then being tossed to a wall and had layers of bulkheads cover me. Later as I became more aware of the current situation I could only piece together what happened. But that isn't important. The most important aspect of this situation that I cannot bare to take lightly is that I have almost failed the ship - to repair and reroute functions currently - the plasma overload was indeed my fault. It was my fault that Chief Garnoopy is in sickbay at the moment, in a medically induced comma, it was my fault that Lt. Riker broke his arms, it would potentially be my fault if the ship had been destroyed. The only conclusion I ever would come to would be this: I have made an error. My most sacred vow to my brother has been damaged and tainted.

 

It would be illogical to succumb to the powers of guilt and of course I will be influenced by it. I have my emotions under control and my thinking is rational. But when my thinking becomes clear I know I have created the one rift between me and my most valued goal and my brother, I've made a mistake, and that mistake nearly cost people their lives and the ship. I cannot bare the thought of it, I cannot bare thinking that someone aboard Derok's shuttle thought of this as they pummelled to their deaths. I have made mistakes before but none as significant as this. The real investigation now starts; which path had lead me astray?

 

The investigation, I know, will never end for as long as my mind remain sane, it will always go on, to go into the very fabrics of my mind and read every quad of data from every memory molecule from the brain. Emotions, desires, ambition, logic, everything. It will continue, for the goal is to prevent mistakes for as long as I draw breath.

 

I will visit Chief Garnoopy shortly, for I have many things to think about while observing him, provided the doctors allow such action. The power to be near the person that your mistake has afflicted is as strong as being forgiven by that same person, whetever that person is dead, alive or in a comma. But forgiveness is not what I seek. The man is falling towards certain doom now, and his goal is to pervent himself from contacting the ground.