Kroells's daily (or so) dose of stupid

[Travis Kroells 0]

Alright. Here hows it goes down. Being a normal...wait, scratch that. A Human being, I've come across some stupid, funny, and mind bogoling things. I've decided, that I cant be the only one that things like these happen to.

 

So, I decided to make this thread. It will be the universal soup, in which all of STSF can throw stupid things into. And I mean anything stupid.

 

Got a stupid photo? POST IT!

Got a stupid warning label? Prove just many stupid things humans can do with every day appliances.

Got a stupid story? Tell the world!

 

Basicly, if it was stupid enough to make you laugh, I wanna see it. However, I want this to last, so lets lay down some basic rules I hope you all know by now.

 

Keep it appropriate. Wether it be sexually, or racially, religiously, or everything else that can be ended in harrasment. If it wasn't a generaly funny time for everyone involved, it probably isnt worth posting. (And I swear, if I hear any stories about people sliping Ex Lax into people brownies...)

 

Other then that, I cant think of anything, and I should hope that you wouldn't make me have to. I want this to be a place were the simmers can check once in a while, and get a good care free laugh.

 

So, heres your first dose: Stupid warning labels. Keep in mind, people did these things, and then called and complained to the company that made these. Thats why they have to warn against these specfic things.

 

"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

 

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

 

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

 

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

 

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

 

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

 

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

 

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

 

"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

 

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

 

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

 

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

 

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

 

Stupid signs

 

"Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.

 

"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.

 

Stupid Ingrediant labels

 

"Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.

Materials:

Covering: 100% Unknown.

Stuffing: 100% Unknown."

-- On a pillow.

 

Stupid Instructions

 

"Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.

 

"Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.

 

"Optional modem required." -- On a computer software package.

 

 

 

On deck tomarrow: Stupid Car Insurance Claims

[Dumbass 0]

Words can't explain this other than to say it is a Claymore anti-personnel mine:

 

 

Just in case you didn't know, the front part is the dangerous part.

Edited January 19, 2005 by Dumbass

[Dumbass 0]

Toilet brush wins wacky bowl

 

Michigan anti-lawsuit group gives out "awards" for wackiest warning labels on products.

January 6, 2005: 2:09 PM EST

 

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - A toilet brush with a tag that says "Do not use for personal hygiene" has taken top prize for the wackiest consumer warning label of the year, according to an anti-lawsuit group.

 

The Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, M-LAW, whose main mission is to reveal how lawsuits and anxiety over lawsuits have created a need for overly obvious warnings on products, sponsors The Wacky Warning Label Contest each year.

 

Other top finishers this year include:

 

-- A scooter with the warning "This product moves when used."

 

-- A digital thermometer with the advice "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."

 

-- An electric blender used for chopping and dicing that reminds users to "Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating."

 

-- And a three-inch bag of air used for packaging that read "Do not use this product as a toy, pillow, or flotation device."

 

"Warning labels are a sign of our lawsuit-plagued times," said Robert B. Dorigo Jones, M-LAW president. "Plaintiff's lawyers who file the lawsuits that prompt these warnings argue they are making us safer, but the warnings have become so long that few of us read them anymore-- even the ones we should read."

 

The group hopes the contest will remind us all to read the warnings on our products more carefully and motivate judges to stop what it says are frivolous lawsuits.

 

The winning labels were chosen by listeners of a popular morning radio show in Detroit, the group said.

[DaryusZaphodDracal 0]

I saw a warning lable recently for a Bic cigarette lighter. "Do not light near face." Ok, your going to light a cigarette at arms length? :D

[Travis Kroells 0]

Alright, here's round two. In today's case, we will see the stupid reasons people wrote on their car insurance forms, as the cause of their automoblie accident.

 

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

 

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."

 

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."

 

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."

 

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

 

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull."

 

"When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

 

"A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife's face."

 

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."

 

Insurance Anecdote

 

In France, not very long ago, the forms used for notifying insurers of accident, illness, or pregnancy were based on the same mold. Consequently, expectant mothers were asked, "Was the accident caused by some third party?" Invariably, the answer was, "No, only by my husband."

 

 

 

Thats all for now. I'll find some more stuff later.

[Dumbass 0]

Here is one I overheard my boss telling her insurance carrier:

 

"Well, it was obviously her fault I hit her. If she knew how fast I was going she wouldn't have tried to turn."

 

What makes this particularly interesting is my company is owned by a non-profit foundation that promotes automotive safety.

[WxMurray 0]

Job Applicant Faux Pas

 

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the "don'ts," we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. Here is a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

 

1. "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

 

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

 

3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

 

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

 

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office — wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

 

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

 

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

 

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

 

9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

 

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

 

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

 

12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

 

13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

 

14. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

 

15. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

 

16. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

 

17. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

[Captain Huff 0]

A few years ago I was rear-ended at a stop light. When the cop asked the other driver what happened, he said, "Well, I thought she was going to blow the light, but then she stopped last minute!" The cop replied, "Then that means that *you* were going to blow the light too..."

[Sam_SemaJ 0]

That is a stupid response...its too bad he didnt put it the way a guy in my accident did

 

Well I saw that white car run a *hardcore* red light!!

[Dumbass 0]

OK, a couple years ago I had to go to traffic school. Of course most of the people were there for speeding tickets. Some pf these people were real idiots.

 

One guy said he was speeding because he says he couldn't see his spedometer. What was truly frightening about this man was he is a driver for United Parcel Service.

 

Then there was this stupid lady who asked how fast you could legally drive above the speed limit. Not how fast above the limit could you get away with, but how fast above the limit was legal!

[NDak 0]

So I am going through the McD's drive thru the other night..(note: this is a SOBER story, the drunk ones are worse)...

 

 

I ordered a Value Meal Combo...well I was talking on the phone, not really paying attention. I am handed my drink and drive-off. On the way home I was thinking "man I should wait to get home to have some fries..." so I keep my hands away from the passanger seat...which is were I usually place my food...so I arrive back at my appartment, park, and get out of my car...and reach accross the seat to grab my McD's...only to notice there is no bag of steaming hot heart attack in a bag to greet me. So...curiously I look about a few moments, noticing that...yes...I completely drove off formt he drive-though window with out my food. So...being the hungry (and CHEAP) college student I am, I had to return to McD's and say at the window when asked what I wanted to order "uhh I already did, I am the moron who drove off with out his food." Needless to say the drive-thru lady thought it was pretty funny.

[Sam_SemaJ 0]

Actually, I went to court to fight a ticket for that same accident ^....there was a girl in there who said she was speeding because her car has a digital speedometer and she was driving her friends car with an analog one...that was her excuse. The judge actually made her get up and turn arount to everyone sitting in the hall and say "i will never use speedometer type as an excuse for speeding." it was great!

[Travis Kroells 0]

Alright, this story happened about a two weeks ago, and I thought it was rather funny.

 

About a year and a half ago, I was visiting my mom out in Souix Falls for the summer. Anyways, near the end of my visit, I had been walking around the Empire Mall (Souix Falls main mall) and had come across a Wilsons Leather store. I noticed that they were having a going out of business sale, and when I saw the clearance prices, I had to go in. (I had brought with a considerable chunk of change with me for the summer, and hadn't spent much of it)

 

Needless to say, I found a nice Dale Jr. jacket that was only a hundred bucks, not back considering that it was originally three hundred. I bought it a little big, because I still had a nice winter jacket for that up coming winter, and my parents would have killed me if I had not worn it.

 

Anyways, the year rolls by, and this winter comes. I had been wearing the jacket over the summer, whenever I would go out of the motorcycle, so the leather was all nice and broken in, and I could honestly say it was the best jacket I have ever owned.

 

September and October roll by, and insets November. The sad thing about Minnesota, is that your probably wearing winter coats before the end of October. Well, anyways November and December roll by and in comes the begining of January. I'm on the Knowledge Bowl team, and we had come back to school from a all day meet in New Ulm. There was litterally like fifteen minutes left in the school day, so we don't even have to go to any classes. I only went in because I needed to use the facilities before I went home.

 

I get out of the bathroom and I'm almost homefree when out walks my principal, right infront of me. He procedes to drag me into his office, and lay into me about my jacket and how it promotes Bud beer. After he was done looking like an idiot, I proceded to ask him one question.

 

"Why are you telling me this now, after I've been wearing this jacket to school for almost three months?"

 

He replied with saying something like he'd thought that I wouldn't wear the jacket all winter long. I proceded to laugh and ask him what dumbass changes jackets in the middle of winter?

 

Anyways, he basically told me that if I didn't get my jacket changed, there'd be hell to pay. I told him that he could give me the hundred bucks this one cost, and then he could shove it.

 

I quickly ran home.

 

Anyways, this is where the true story begins. Yes, I know, you read through all that crap, just to read more. Go grab some popcorn and cocolite milk if your going to complain so much.

 

I had drafted up a peticion the night before, and had been spreading it through out the schoo. Yes, I know it sounds stupid, but my class had once boycotted the lunch food for a month because they raised their prices by like a buck. The Dairy Queen five blocks away was very happy.

 

Anyways, after I showed the peticion to the principal, which had a good amount of signatures, he only got more enfurated, and gave me an hour of detention for 'disrupting studnets educational oppertunity'

 

I went home that night wondering what to do. Obviously a democratic protest wasn't going to work against a Nazi like him. Then it hit me. I went to sleep that night with my deviously nefarious plan in mind.

 

I got to school that day, and started asking for random donations from students so I could get a new jacket. Most people gave a buck or two, so it wasn't that hard to raise a good amount of money. I bought myself a nice jacket, and with the money I had left over, took it to a seemstress, and had her sew a patch on the back of my jacket that said, "I have to wear this jacket because my old one promoted beer"

 

It was rather funny the first day he saw it, considering the fact that he also knew that most of the Junior class had paid for it. However, theres nothing he can do against it, so I wear it to all our sports events. People from other schools, espically the ladies ask me what my jacket means, so I tell them this story. I then point out my prinicpal in the crowd, and we start waving, and I defiently thrust my jacket up into the air.

 

 

And just think, I still have half a school year to go!