Two Lives, One Choice

[Cdr Rian Kwai 0]

Two Lives, One Choice

Internal Thoughts of Rian "Kiwi" Kwai

 

If I’m going to die in this mission, then let my death mean something.

 

If I understand this time travel thing right, then that is exactly what will happen in a sense. This Rian, as well as those with me, will be sacrificing herself so that not just our past selves will live on but so that trillions upon trillions of Federation citizens don't live out the future we’ve just come from. A future that means certain annihilation by alien beings. The theory behind all this is unimportant to me, as it makes my eyes cross just thinking about it. But I know that after completing this course of action, I will cease to exist as I am and all others will continue on as fate had originally intended.

 

Believe it or not, I have very mixed feelings about this.

 

I remember the Rian of this time, shortly after the inquiry into her…rather my actions…prior to the incidents on earth and the space station. The suspicion. The fear. The lack of trust. The feelings of betrayal, anger, sorrow, and desperation. I had to have an escort by the Rear Admiral no less so that I could leave the ship at DS9 to perform necessary tasks before departure. This was because although I had been cleared of wrong doing there was the possibility that I could get into further trouble. That Rian felt very alone, afraid and angry.

 

And I’m not sure I want to relive that era of my life again.

 

It has taken this Rian, the Rian I am today, a long time to get over the events surrounding the explosions and formal ‘Fleet inquiry. To feel safe again amongst my own crew. I am no longer the angry woman I was then. No longer do I fear for my career or for my very life. And what about the trust I hoped I had built with crew members only to watch it crumble when I was blamed for something I didn’t do? Only when I volunteered to find us transportation from Risa to Sky Habor Aegis, and trusted to do so, did I hope to believe that my crew mates trusted me again.

 

After all I’ve been through…after all I’ve learned….do I really want to go back to being that frightened and angry Trill again?

 

Not really. But I will because that is what needs to be done. It’s not my life that needs the saving. There are too many other living creatures at stake here. My choice must be to sacrifice who I am today. Correction, I have no choice, just a duty to do what is right. I must move forward for them, even if in the end it means moving two steps back for my own self.

 

My only wish is that I could tell that old Rian to hang in there. That lessons will be learned soon that will help her through this difficult time. She will be alright.

 

My mother used to tell me “Live your life to the fullest, whether it be one life or a hundred and one.” I’m being given a gift here. As an unjoined Trill, I’m about to actually live two lives. I’m ending one now, and I hope my alternate life line will be just as full as the one I’m ending now.