Is it thick or thin?

[Travis Kroells 0]

“Is is thick, or thin?”…Kroells’s logs (log 61)

 

 

 

Travis rounded out the rest of his duty shift, with out too much problems…besides being jumpy the entire time…Just waiting for Fred to finally lay it into him…

 

Kroells shook his head again, and stepped into the Turbo lift, letting Ensign Voran continue his scans on the probe. The Vulcan ensign, had made quite a discovery, and Kroells couldn’t help but feel glad that he had rejoined the crew in a teal uniform…although it slightly disturbed him, that in the hustle and bustle of being lost ten years from home, that he had lost Voran’s papers, and the ensign managed to disappear amidst the rest of the department…

 

The Turbo lift finished it’s trip to deck six, and Travis slowly walked out, and continued down the hallway, and finally into his quarters. O’Connor meowed at him, and caused Travis to break into a smile. Something the Real Andrew O’Connor could do at will to…

 

Kroells sighed at that thought, and went over to the replicator, and made O’Connor’s regular meal. The cat jumped in delight, and went running to the food. Travis began to remove his uniform, and quickly jumped into the sonic shower, the refreshing feel of a hard days work removed from his now clean skin. He got out, and changed into a lose fitting set of clothes, designed for solely roaming around his quarters in comfort.

 

He collapsed onto the couch for a moment allowing the recent events to flood his mind, allowing himself to concentrate on things he so often tried to place somewhere he couldn’t find it. No doubt it wasn’t mentally healthy to do so, but more often then not, most people don’t choose the healthy alternative.

 

The shuttle accident, Kayla, Andrew, the Romulan base, and now the recent event in Main Engineering. It seemed as if Travis was magnetically attracted to wrong choices, like something was making him destined to destroy his life and career before it started. No doubt listening to the little voice in his head that told him the things he did was wrong would help. But impulses, impulses…they seemed to be unavoidable…

 

Maybe it would have been better if he had just dropped out of the academy, cut his losses after the shuttle crash, after Kayla’s and Andrew’s deaths. But no, he had to be Mr. Tough Guy. He had to overcome, prove to every one that he was better then that, better then some twenty year old punk, who got his kicks by getting reprimands.

 

But he wasn’t above that. Some how he always knew it, but didn’t accept it. Rationalizing every wrong choice he made. “There was no way of knowing the primary atmospheric thrusters would fail.” “I opened the stasis field in the pursuit of science.” “Moral Conscience.”

 

Travis chuckled and sighed in disbelief, by God! Was he really that naive? These thoughts had to put new heights of stupidity! He knew why he was really here, his mind denied it, but his heart yelled it out every time something like this happened. For so long he had lied to himself, saying that it was Kayla’s belief in him that kept him going. That…her love for him gave him the strength he needed to overcome all the hard ships in his life.

 

What a load.

 

He was afraid. Afraid of going back, facing Kayla and O’Connor’s family. Afraid of dealing with his dad. And now, afraid to go back, and look at the small clump of grass that covered the remains of his mother. Contrary to what he told himself each morning upon awaking…he was week. He was out in the depths of the Beta quadrant, so far out that the stations were called deep space 6 for a reason. He couldn’t take it; take the harsh looks, the hatred anymore.

 

A week and lonely little man, hidden behind two golden pips, a teal uniform, and the title of Chief of Science. He yelled out, with all his voice, all it would allow, and slammed his fist into the glass coffee table that sat in front of him, shards of glass slicing his hand open, the red elixir of life running out of him. He sat down on the floor, and shook. For the first time, he accepted the truth.

 

But the thing that hurt him the most, that caused him such pain…was the fact that for so long he couldn’t choose between seeing the truth, and living a lie.

 

 

It’s easier to run, replacing this pain with something more, it’s so much easier to go, then face all this failure all alone…

 

If I could change I would. Take back the pain I would. Retrace every wrong move I made I would. If I could, stand up and take the blame I would. I would take all my shame to the grave…

Edited February 16, 2004 by Lt. Travis Kroells