Survivor's Guilt

[Capt Ayers 0]

Sky Harbor Aegis

Time: 13 days after the arrival of the Klingons.

 

       Nick steps into the main room of his quarters, having gotten cleaned up and changed into some off duty clothes.  With station repairs well underway and the Station slowly regaining it's full complement of crew, Nick had managed to find some off-duty time. Not enough to let him sleep for a few days straight but enough time to allow him to get some rest before going to Drankum's to have dinner with Ethan.

 

       He steps towards the hallway doors as he brushes a stray lock of hair back with a hand.  He doesn't make it two steps towards the doors before the Computer says "Receiving transmission.  Encrypted private."  Nick frowns to himself, thinking that was a little too annoying of an application of Murphy's law.  He sighs and says "Fine, who is it from?"  The computer replies "It is from a Commander Ridire of the USS Reaent."  Nick sighs and steps over to the desk.  As he sits down he says "Very well, put it through."

     

       It takes a few seconds for his old friend to show up on the screen but it takes only a tenth of a second for the smart-aleck greeting that Nick planned to say to die even before it reaches his lips and along with it the smirky smile he was going to use as an accompaniment.  There were very few times that Nick had seen Aidan truly at an emotional loss.  Nick says in his best calm voice "I would say this is a pleasant surprise but then..judging by your expression this isn't going to be pleasant.  What's wrong?"

 

       Aidan swallows twice, trying to say the words that were dying in his throat.  Finally he says "I knew you'd want to hear this personally.  I don't know how busy you've been but as you might have heard the USS Cairo was destroyed with most of her crew dead.  Fi..she took that offer, she was on that ship."

 

       Nick knows the answer to his next question even before he asks it.  "Is she all right?" 

 

       Aidan shakes his head and says "No.  She died in the initial explosion.  It wasn't painless but it was quick."

 

       It takes Nick a few seconds to find his voice but when he speaks it is in a very different tone, one that was cold and dark.  "Tell me what happened...all of it."

 

       The tone in Nick's voice seems to have the affect of a slap on Aidan as his eyes widen and he looks in shock.  That expression disappears quickly at remembering how Nick took death personally.  After a few seconds Aidan nods slightly and begins explaining what happened. 

 

       Aidan's recounting takes a half hour making Nick nearly fifteen minutes late when he finally arrives at Drankum's.  By that time he's lost the zombieish look he had on his expression through most of the walk across the station.  It's been replaced by a carefully set mask.  Only the brief flashes of roiling emotions in his eyes betray the depth of pain and grief over the story told by one of his closest friends.  As he spots Ethan after entering the restaurant he does his best to strengthen his mental shields.  "Some things..." He thinks to himself, "...are best done alone."

 

       He reaches the table and she starts to say something but holds up a hand and says "My apologies for being late and my apologies for this but I thought it best to let you know in person.  I don't think..I know I am not going to be a good dinner companion right now.  Perhaps we can take a rain check on dinner?  Or we can forget about it if you wish."

 

       Slowly she shook her head, "I hope you don't honestly believe that you've fooled me.  I've been waiting for you because I suspect that, while you may not be a good companion, you need one.  If I didn't believe that, I would have canceled already.  If you didn't believe that... you wouldn't have come all the way down here."  She paused, almost switching to a telepathic mode of communication, but decided against it.  She wasn't entirely sure he would hear her the way his shields were locked in place unless she shouted.  "You pick the place, you pick the poison, but let me come with you, and we can drink a toast to the memory of whomever you lost, and you can tell me about him or her."  Again, there was a pause, "I happen to agree with the cultures that believe that so long as someone remembers them, the dead are never really gone."

 

       She stood up, hoping that her words would convey her honest wish to help him.  "So, my friend, will you let me be one?"

 

       He stands there silently for a minute, letting the internal debate within him rage.  Part of him wants to reject the offer out of hand, that really it wasn't her business and that he would be fine, eventually, on his own.  That's the same part that just wants to scream, both physically and mentally, primally and unshielded.  The deep dark part of his psyche that just wants to bury itself and him along with it in a cloak of shadows and prevent anyone from getting close again.  The part that saw living half a millennia or more as more of a curse then a blessing.

 

       He closes his eyes briefly and sighs quietly to himself.  He has a feeling that if he told her to leave him alone she wouldn't believe that was what he wanted and she would persist out of concern.  Or worse yet, she would take him at his word and...

 

       He reaches a hand out but lets it fall back to his side.  Instead he says "Very well, I'll tell you, in private.  Though I warn you, it is a long story...."  His voice falters before adding, "..a long tragedy."

 

       Inwardly, Ethan sighed in relief.  She could only sense a tiny fraction of what she usually could hear from him, but it was enough to know that he had been debating the answer.  Her fear was that he would have decided to hide within himself--inside his mind, and let no one in.  She had seen the effects of that road before, and in the long run it was generally not a good decision. 

 

       Nodding, she took a step towards him, "I've got time."

 

During the walk to his quarters he makes an effort to weaken his shields at least enough to let her be able to sense him.

 

He steps through the doors into the main room of his quarters and over towards the kitchen area as the computer brings up the lights. He says "Feel free to make yourself comfortable." He retrieves a bottle from a cabinet and pours a couple of drinks. He walks back into the main room and hands Ethan her glass. He remains quiet for a few moments after taking a seat at one end of the couch.

 

Finally he says "Her name was..is Fiona, Fiona Nashawryn, originally from Glasgow on Earth. A very intelligent, caring, charming and strong-willed person. Whereas I'm reserved and not open with people at first, she could walk into a room of strangers and have them feeling like they were old friends with her inside a few minutes. A perfect personality for a Doctor to have."

 

He takes a sip of his drink before continuing "I first met her when I joined the Venture, my prior posting before here, right after being promoted to Lieutenant which was a few months before the Battle of Wolf. Like I said, and as you've probably...as you have noticed, I tend to be reserved and keep to myself. It takes me a while to open up to people. It took time but Fiona and Aidan...Aidan Ridire were the ones I ended up being the closest and the most open with on the Venture. Aidan, like me, was originally in the Science department on the Venture and was the one to notify me about Fiona's death. He's the one that found her but...I'll get to that."

 

"The three of us became very close friends, inseparable really, and they understood me almost as well as my family does. The sort of friends that you keep in contact with long after you've gone your separate ways."

 

       Ethan listens quietly as Nick's story unfolds.  She can feel that he is, with effort, trying to let her back in.  It was obvious that it wasn't easy for him.  As gently as she can, she reaches out and does her best to help him.  As his shields relax, the depth of his pain is evident.  He has lost a piece of himself with the death of his friend, just as he has every time he's lost someone he was close to.  Ethan suspects that this is the major reason, outside of genetics, that he continues to be so reserved.

 

       She takes a sip of the liquid in her glass, sitting at the other end of the couch.  In the back of her mind, she wonders if she will ever cause him the same amount of pain, should something happen to her.  Turning her thoughts away from pessimism, she focuses once more on as he continues.

 

He remains quiet for a few seconds, using the time in an attempt to put a cap on the grief he's trying to keep inside. "They were the ones that I could talk to. And even without the benefit of being telepathic or empathic they knew what was going on inside me. It was them that watched over me at the Battle of Wolf, to make sure

I stuck to my duty instead of doing something akin to what Mogg did with Gabral."

 

"Time went on, we grew into our own with Aidan eventually becoming the Venture's Chief Ops officer and myself as her Chief Science officer. Finally a set of opportunities presented themselves. A few weeks after I received the offer to transfer here, Aidan received a similar offer for posting to the USS Reaent. Neither of us wanted to leave, that ship was our home. Still, the offer wasn't exactly something you turn down easily. And so, here I am."

 

"My choosing to come here was hard on me but she took it the hardest. When I left, Aidan hadn't decided yet and I took some time getting here so it wasn't until I was on my way here that I found out that he had also accepted his offer. He also told me that Fiona had applied for a transfer to the USS Cairo as an AMO. As that was what she was on the Venture and as she was second only to the CMO in the Venture's medical department both Aidan and I suggested to her that she would be just as well off career wise in remaining. She never told us why she requested the transfer but she gave indication that she would at least consider our advice. Unfortunately, Aidan had to leave before she made a final decision and she never did tell us that she had indeed transferred. Neither one of us knew until..."

 

Nick wipes away an errant tear before continuing "At about the time that we were dealing with the evacuation of Cardassia Prime, the USS Reaent, the ship that Aidan had transferred to, had been leaving Starbase 345 after having some shore leave. Unbeknownst to Aidan at the time, the Cairo was also there and had just left before the Reaent. A few minutes later she..the Cairo that is, suffered some sort of explosion. Most of the ship was destroyed and all but a few dozen of her crew dead. The entire senior staff was wiped out, everyone on the Bridge was also killed which is where Fiona was for whatever reason. In fact no one above the rank of Lieutenant survived. The Reaent was first on the scene and Aidan led the away team that surveyed the Bridge. He was the one that found her."

 

"I'm so sorry, Nick.  If you're like me, I imagine it's ever harder not to have been there.  Did they ever find out what caused the ship's destruction?"

 

Nick frowns slightly, wondering whether to divulge the feeling he had while Aidan recounted what had happened. The sense that not everything was as Aidan said, that there was more to the story. Nick knows Aidan well enough to know that his friend would never withhold information by choice, that it would take something extraordinary to make him shade the truth. Then of course there was the question of exactly how far he wanted to trust Ethan.

 

Nick shakes his head, dismissing that thought as puerile and beneath the both of them. "Officially it's still under investigation though officially they...meaning Command, thinks it was an accident. That it was some type of accidental explosion, like a plasma explosion. Unofficially..." Nick frowns "...unofficially there was something that Aidan wasn't telling me. It was just something I felt, something in what he was saying and how he was saying it that wasn't quite right."

 

Nick closes his eyes briefly "Maybe I'm just being paranoid, considering all that's been going on here. Or maybe I just don't want to be reminded that fate could be so capricious and arbitrary."

 

Nick opens his eyes and focuses on Ethan's concerned expression. He says with more then a little bitterness "And yes, part of what's tearing me up inside is the fact that I wasn't there. Same as Aidan. That I should have been there to protect her, to save her and I wasn't because of choices I've made, choices that led her...." Nick cuts himself off. What he was going to say was a thought that had been with him since he had found out about Fiona's transfer application. A thought that had found a much louder and accusatory voice since he had found out about her death. The same thought that he had seen in Aidan's eyes.

 

He stands and moves over to the window to stare out at the stars. Finding them cold and distant and not at all comforting he turns around and leans back against the window. He closes his eyes and his hands ball up into fists as he tries clawing himself out of the pit that his grief and anger were threatening to bury him in. The urge to just let loose, to scream is back, louder then it was before. He has always prized his control and yet, to let go is so very tempting right now. That control slips just a little when he slams his closed fists back against the window hard enough for it to be painful.

 

He opens his eyes and looks down at his hands. He says quietly "Perhaps you should go. I'm not sure what good could come out of being seen this way."

 

     She shakes her head sadly, her concern even greater than before.  "Tell me honestly, Nick... Is that what you really want?  Look me in the eyes and tell me you want me to leave, and I'll go."  Ethan could sense he was on the edge of losing control, but she didn't yet know him well enough to know if that was a good thing or not.  "You're blaming yourself for her death... but she wasn't a child.  She was a grown adult, and despite your choices, she still made her own choice."  She sighed, standing and walking over to the window just a couple of feet from him.  "I really don't understand the need of people to assign blame to themselves for the actions of others.  I suppose it's human nature, to need to blame someone.  But to claim that the person that took the action wasn't responsible for those actions... that belittles the person, I think.

 

        "So, again, I ask you, do you really want me to go?"

 

He sinks to a sitting position on the floor as he listens to her. Nick leans his head back against the window and regards Ethan for a few moments. He shakes his head "No, I don't. I do appreciate you being here more then I can put into words right now. I just didn't want you to think the worst of me."

 

He closes his eyes "And yes, I know that Fiona was an adult and capable of making her own choices and that she was responsible for them and that my guilt, at least most of it is misplaced out of grief but still some of it is mine." He sighs sadly before continuing "You have to understand, if Aidan and I hadn't left, she wouldn't have left either. Down in the deepest part of my heart I know that to be true and that is the same for him. I came here because of my career and for a personal reason. I could have had my pick of postings on other stations or other ships but none of them was this one. When I told her that, she thought the personal reason was because of a conversation I had with her a few months prior. I tried telling her it wasn't but she thought I was protecting her. I didn't convince her fully that it wasn't and I knew that when I left. I, perhaps arrogantly, thought things would work themselves out even if I left."

 

"And I know that if I had been on the Cairo by some fluke of chance there would have been nothing I could have done to stop what happened. My mind understands that fact but right now my heart hates that truth."

 

        She nods, understanding that sentiment.  She'd felt it often enough before.  Sitting down next to him, she reaches out, and takes his hand.  Neither of them says anything, for no words could have the power to decrease the terrible ache in his heart.  Ethan just holds his hand, simply being there to share his grief.