"So Lost"

[LtGeorgeMcLean 0]

McLean’s Logs

Lieutenant George McLean

Chief Engineer

USS Reaent

0311.06

“So Lost”

 

McLean was loyal, but he wasn’t stupid. George had learned very young that when it came down to saving his own skin versus the needs of the whole, he was the only thing that mattered. And why shouldn’t it be that way? The only thing in the universe that was keeping him around was himself. He had no purpose for living and dying was cowardly. He liked being an Engineer, but only to the point where it was keeping him occupied, keeping him from sinking down into the depths of depravity that he knew surrounded him.

 

He was not surprised that he caved in when he ordered Aaron to raise the shields at the last moment. This was not the first time George had gone against the wishes of the command structure, nor did he reason, that it be his last. Yet, George knew that it was likely that the Bridge was unaware that he had overridden the command codes. Still, his last minute decision nagged on his mind.

 

“What am I so afraid of?” McLean asked himself. George knew the answer, but he enjoyed being philosophical and never coming to a definitive answer. Someday, though, he knew he would have to face his worse fears. He was afraid of dying; a phobia he perceived plagued all men of all races. He had read all of the major philosophers of his native world and had explored all of that world’s religions. He decided that he might call himself at least a nihilist…or at most an agnostic. Still, none of his studies brought any remedy to this phobia.

 

Staring down at his console, he realized that once again he had escaped death. It was in these very brief moments before that almost made George believe in a higher power looking out for him. Yet, he rejected any and all sovereignty above him, even to the point where he saw the command structure as a façade. It was all about him…all about keeping George distracted from death…so that he could live.

 

George unclenched his fists for the first time in several minutes after feeling his nails dig into his skin like daggers. Finally the blinking lights he was staring at meant something. Radiation levels had almost subsided, but the ship was still so lost.