One can't suppress what one wants (A log, A letter)

[Erich Jaenke 0]

Keb,

 

Space...

 

The confined frontier. I know this ship is small, but they should have a larger sickbay. The devices attached to my chest allowing me to heal are off now. I didn't realize how heavy they were until the doctors removed them. I can feel my heart working on its own and feel the need to control my own breathing. I'm doing well, but this is not why I wrote you.

 

When you were here earlier I wanted to reach out to you, but I felt held back. The medicine caused some of this, but other bits were me. When growing up my ability isolated me. The parents of my friends hurried them away when they learned of my condition. After a time my parents saw fit to institutionalize me. This was just as much for everyone else as it was my own health. While I did get medical help in the form of suppressants, there was a nurse who showed me life without hiding. Still, while I managed quite well during my stay, once I got out into the world the minds were too much to handle. This proved true when I entered the Academy, but I held on with the promise of empty space once I got my commission.

 

At first I could deal with the voices. Soon whispers turned to shouts and raw emotions to waterfalls. I started to lose it. I contacted someone on Betazed for an alternative source of mental suppression. Down in waste recycling my supply kept me sane. I could work with people again. My life turned a corner. Good times ended as supplies of the drug ran out. I spread out my doses and tried to live with the voices. Again they got louder, more menacing. I was losing hope. Then you showed.

 

A torrent of emotion spiked with self-doubt and worry. Exactly the personality type the doctors back on Betazed told me to avoid at all costs. I should of, but I didn't. I ran to rather than ran from. I heard the lone voice in my head telling me to do whatever it takes to stay away, even leave the ship for a lonely communication station. But I had enough. I found myself drawn to you, my mind like a tendrils wrapped around your psyche. Your mind was a narcotic I could not function without.

 

When you visited I wanted so much to express this, but my mind searched for yours in vain. The drugs dulled my senses. I regretted not telling you how I feel. I've stood so far from so many for so long my own fears held me back. I see you in ways most can't imagine. I love you as much for your flaws as for your strengths. I hope when we have time together I can show you how much.

 

When my strength is greater,

 

Erich