Fart in the Windstorm

[Gage Silver 0]

Colonel: Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before the man.

Private Joker: I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir.

Colonel: The what?

Private Joker: The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.

Colonel: Whose side are you on, son?

Private Joker: Our side, sir.

Colonel: Don't you love your country?

Private Joker: Yes, sir.

Colonel: Then how about getting with the program? Why don't you jump on the team and come on in for the big win?

Private Joker: Yes, sir.

Colonel: Son, all I've ever asked of my marines is that they obey my orders as they would the word of God. We are here to help the Vietnamese, because inside every gook there is an American trying to get out. It's a hardball world, son. We've gotta keep our heads until this peace craze blows over.

Private Joker: Aye-aye, sir.

--Full Metal Jacket (1987)

 

//

 

Pointless.

 

Supine with his head resting on his right hand, still holding the clean shirt he’d intended to put on, Gage blinked and stared blankly at the overhead; so bemused after they’d returned to the Creek for the night that he’d only managed to clean his weapon, shower and partially redress before his thoughts distracted him. Not every thought on his mind was related to the next and some hit closer to his vest than Grayson - thoughts that dwarfed Grayson and divided him on other fronts, thoughts he couldn't quell and had kept to himself for sometime - but the situation on Grayson held the mental stage for the moment. Even now, for a seventeen-year veteran, it wasn’t cut and dry.

 

There are hard ethical and moral questions to answer. The line dividing one choice from another - the system that governs our society - feels thin.

 

If the Fed Council sanctioned it, we’d intervene in a heartbeat. Not everyday the Fed takes an interventionist stance. But it's happened before and most of us wouldn’t think twice.

 

Skipper goes off and intervenes in another society's affairs on her own and now everybody’s a legal crusader. It’d be easy to ignore the system. There’s a part of me that wants to. But the system is there to prevent this kind of anarchy.

 

The system: a social construct. The synthesis of our personal codes into one ethos. It unites and protects. It balances. Ensures no one person or philosophy alone makes the world-changing decisions. We come together; decide together.

 

In anarchy it’s every man for himself. Every point of view for itself. Doing their own thing: making those world-changing decisions without considering the cost to those around them.

 

No system means no law. Without law: no wrong or right. No unity. No protection.

 

Starfleet isn’t a democracy. But we still participate in and answer to that system. We’re still guided from the top by a democratic process: the council that should be making this decision. A group that, when and if it works, ensures the decision is balanced: studied, as rational and unbiased as possible.

 

There are times when we’ve let the system down. Done things for the wrong reasons.

 

I believe in the system. Joined to protect it. But if we adhere to it only when it’s convenient, what’s the point? Respecting the system is the only way to keep it. The system depends on our ‘true faith and allegiance’ to survive.

 

Integrity isn’t just consistently doing the same thing. It’s honesty. Doing the right thing when it’s difficult and no one is watching. Keeping your oaths.

 

Looks easy for the skipper to ignore it while the rest of us are torn up inside. Brass has bailed her out so many times before, she doesn’t have to check herself. But the crew is fed up. Dissent like this doesn’t happen overnight.

 

Don’t think the skipper realizes what’s going on. Claims threatening to censor the doc’s report was a joke. But, given her reply, I’d say the doc took it at face value. Don’t think it’s just because she’s Vulcan. I took it at face value, too.

 

Can't believe this is just some noble idea of liberating the underdog. It’s a snap decision. She didn’t even stop to weigh it out. Is she doing it for the rush? Some grand idea of adventure?

 

Whatever it is, the skipper’s set like concrete. We won't dissuade her by talking, not even for her own well-being. Wouldn’t be surprised if trying is making it worse. She's more than bullheaded. Maybe insane. Might go off if we keep trying.

 

She beat the drum hard. Lit a nerve with those speeches. No one wants to look like the guy that could’ve made a difference, but cared more about himself. The guy that was a coward. Deserted someone in their darkest hour. Deserted his team. Bravo foxtrot. The blue falcon.

 

Not easy standing for anything when you’re divided in your own mind. I see trouble and want to be there. Run toward the sound of gunfire. Be the solution. Make a difference. Do something. Grayson’s another humanitarian mission gone wrong. Eats at me standing by and watching it happen. Knowing I’m not supposed to get personally involved. Having to let it go. Just like the last time. So I sit here divided, just talking to myself.

 

If the skipper would just give it time, the right deliberation. Let the so-called 'experts' and brass weigh in.

 

Not afraid to make sacrifices. Made peace with the risks a long time ago. But I didn’t join up to take what I’ve got for granted. So could I fire a shot without considering where it’d land. Want to come out of this without losing sight of the shoreline. Without betraying what I believe in. Return home with honor.

 

But I also want my team to make it home.

 

And I've got people on my team that volunteered to join the skipper. It’s not a simple question of right or wrong anymore. It’s a question of my team and my future. Do I sacrifice one for the other? Do I sacrifice this team, so I can satisfy my sense of honor? For my career? For team Six?

 

Hearing the skipper give the old “this is what we do” speech, I felt angry. She sounded like someone who never had to make or witness the same sacrifices. Never had to watch a career end. See the lost look on their faces. Never had to make notifications to a buddy’s family in person. See what it does to the people left behind.

 

Maybe I’m too stupid to see a better way. But I’m not going to leave this team short. I've done what I can to take most of the blame when the time comes. Can't shield them from all of it. Injury or death. But if it comes to that, I’ll be there. For the recovery. When they answer the door.

 

Tried to reason with the skipper, but our destiny's decided. She decided it and nothing we do will change it. Could put on a clown suit and end the universe on a Hail Mary. Grayson will still happen with or without us. Maybe we're insane expecting what we think or do to matter; that we can - that she’ll let us - help shape the outcome. That we’re here for more than the ride.

 

Is it that pointless? A fart in the windstorm?

Edited September 4, 2012 by Gage Silver