What Have I Done? A9 log - 50308.23

[Atragon9 0]

::Waking up in his "cell," he realizes the last memory he has is of the Romulan Commander coming at him with the whip handle::

 

{That would explain the splitting headache and the dried blood on my forehead, eh?  Well, this has not gone as planned....}

 

::The thought makes him chuckle, which makes his head scream out in renewed pain and he has to cradle his head in his left arm, his right one still broken and unmended from when he was first took captive::

 

{Then again, how could this really have gone smoothly, really.  I get my secret orders to find and destroy the stolen Special Ops technology; I share them only with Sovak and make to disappear in the Pegasus on a "hunt" for Melville.  Right away, things start going wrong.  Margaux reveals herself to be Megan, MEGAN!!!!}

 

::Again, he has to slow his breathing and close his eyes to keep the pain from overwhelming him::

 

{How can Megan be alive?  How can Megan be on my ship!!!?  How can I have not seen some telltale sign that it was her, after all the time I knew her, all the time I studied, memorized, everything about her??  Frak, that just completely screwed up my head, made me doubt myself, and my mission.  If I had only listened to my heart then, this would be happening now!}

 

{So, I spend my time shadowing the Manticore, working with Sovak to feed the ship the "signal" that is supposed to be Melville's mind in a new sleeve.  All the while, just hunting down the Warbird squadron that contained all the new tech we had to capture or destroy.  Thankfully, it wasn't spread throughout the Romulan Empire, but 6 warbirds!!?  I'm not sure what the Consul General did to make them come look for Manticore all at once, but it worked - all too well.  As they closed in, I returned, ready to play my crazy CO part again.  We had to destroy these warbirds and all at once.  I had to have command of the crew, but still play the "Ahab" role, just in case.  All to keep suspicion from the crew and to protect them, if we were to fall into enemy hands.  All they had to do was tell the same story, over and over - Atragon went nuts, hunting down an undead guy, even chasing him into Romulan territory.}

 

{Well, it all went to hell too quickly.  There I was trying to keep Megan's image from my mind yet not shun Margaux - for her sake, for Jami's sake, for everyone's - I had to stay focused on succeeding and not getting the crew harmed.  I don't know, maybe I was sloppy in it all.  I know we were traced through our cloak, but our intell told us it was only installed on the one ship.  I was sure that we could slip by the others and destroy them from deeper inside the Neutral Zone - they'd never expect that.  I was wrong.  And now the ship is captured, the crew is captured and being TORTURED!!!  For what - for computer control.  ::starts to shake his head, but remembers quickly how painful that is and stops::  I'm not sure how, but my amazing crew locked out the computer controls and the Romulans are stumped.}

 

{So where are we now?  All being whipped and shocked to death - I can't STAND IT.  I know that every one of them signed up for the most dangerous ship in the fleet and couldn't even tell their loved ones.  They are here because they believe in our cause, what we are really fighting for.  I have been their advocate, their focus, the one person who always knew that he could keep them safe, keep them protected as long as the mission was righteous and their dedication didn't waver.  I couldn't be more proud of this crew if I was each person's father - Guardian.  Maybe that's it, I have let them down, I cannot guard for them.  THEY ARE BEING TORTURED!!!  and for nothing, we haven't destroyed their ships and technology, we have given them ours!!!}

 

{I know the crew still thinks I've gone crazy and I have to keep that up for as long as I can.  This hatred of me can give them strength to fight, fight whoever and however long they have to.  Just to survive.  My new goal is to get them out of here, safe, SOON, get the ship away and get the crew from harm's way!  I'm pretty much finished here.  The Romulans keep attacking me on all fronts and are just battling a war of attrition until my body and soul give out.  From beatings to being witness to others' tortures, I'm ready to snap}

 

{What have I done?  What have I done!!?}