"State of Mind, State of Being"

[Laehval tTemarr 0]

"State of Mind, State of Being"

A joint log by

Daise'Erei'Riov Laehval t'Temarr, patient &

Daise'Erei'Riov Maec tr'Aieme, Kheinsa (played by t'Ksa)

 

 

As soon as he entered the building, Kheinsa tr’Aieme blinked several times to acclimate his eyes to the bright artificial light of the medical center before approaching the admittance desk. This was to be his second visit to see the t’Temarr woman, and one in which he hoped he could really form an opinion of her status. Once they got to the meat of the problem, he’d be able to determine if she was able to be rehabilitated, unfortunately, would have to be dismissed from service. Until they reached that point, he’d try his best to remain neutral.

 

He officially signed in, then followed the attending medical officer to t’Temarr’s location. He took his time reaching his final destination so that he could take in the atmosphere the woman existed in. He felt “existing” was the right word too, for this place did not constitute living to him.

 

“She has shown much progress in her physical rehabilitation,” the doctor explained, escorting the Khiensa through the facility, “and can walk unaided, though for only short distances at a time. She still tires easily and needs frequent rests, but this is perfectly normal for someone in her condition.” The medical officer threw the counselor an apologetic look as he led the way past Laehval’s assigned room and entirely ignored the rehab portion of the facility.

 

“Where is she, exactly?” Maec asked, curious why the doctor looked guilty.

 

“Ah... uh... all of this is quite unorthodox, and na sanctioned by the Galae, but we’re in charge of her health while she is here,” the doctor explained. “It started small, au understand, which we were very thankful for as our requests have been on the waiting list for some time now, and when she asked for a larger workspace, I really did na see the harm in it. Only... only, it has grown into something more and... ah... well... au had better just see for yourself.”

 

Waving them past a set of security doors, the doctor led tr’Aieme down a maintenance corridor. He flushed as he threw the counselor another look, but only gestured for him to proceed after opening a smaller door with retinal recognition, disappearing back down the hall once Maec had access. Stepping inside, the counselor found himself in the aftermath of an equipment explosion. Spare parts were strewn across every available surface, hung from the ceiling, and scattered on the floor. There was an open path -- provided that one stepped carefully -- that led around the central tables, but every other available space was occupied by some form of hardware. All of it was medical equipment, ripped open and left in pieces, though it was difficult to tell which were being rebuilt and which were being deconstructed.

 

Seated behind one of the tables, almost buried on either side by mountains of parts, Laehval worked hunched over the diagnostic table. Though she had more color than when he’d last seen her, she still looked quite frail in comparison to the holo-vids taken prior to her hospitalization. She glanced up as the door opened, her hands never stopping in their task. Green light hit each of the contact points of the control panel in her hand, displaying the conductive wavelengths on the small, portable display she had propped up next to her. Each time a reading registered, she would make an adjustment and scan again, repeating the process until she was satisfied. From the amount of data on the display, she’d already been working on the project for several hours.

 

“Jolan tru, Kheinsa,” she said evenly. “Another surprise appointment today?”

 

“I suspect that if it was a scheduled appointment, I doubt au would keep it. I have yet to find any io who cares to meet with a Kheinsa,” He strolled around the piles, picking up a piece here or there and examining it. While he knew what each larger item might have done in their former life, he’d have been hard pressed to explain exactly what each deconstructed item did for the machinery as whole. He frowned at a do-dad here, a gizmo there, or a spring lying around. Genuinely curious, he glanced up while examining a sprocket. “What...is all this stuff? And what are you doing here?”

 

“Ah, this is all malfunctioning or broken medical equipment, which I am repairing or cannibalizing for parts, depending on the state and/or age of the various pieces. Most of them are pieces that the hospital would have had to either scrap or sell for a fraction of the original cost, so it is far better to rebuild and piece together as many functional units as possible while waiting for replacements. Either way, they were of na use to the hospital, so the doctor allowed me to tinker.” She sighed, rubbing the back of her neck. “I hate being idle. It feels wrong, so I asked for a project, which brought me to this.” She waved an arm in a gesture that encompassed the room.

 

“Seems to have gotten a bit....” Maec looked around the mechanical mayhem, struggling for the right word that would not offend the woman. “...ah...away from au.” He wondered if her work areas on the ship were as cluttered as this, or if this was any indication of how troubled her thoughts were at the moment. He picked up another funnel-like device and squinted at it, trying to recall to which piece of machinery it would belong to and what in the Elements it did. “Au miss working?”

 

“It is na that bad, really.” She threw a critical eye at the workspace. “I would normally dispose of the bad equipment that I did na need, but am currently working with all there is available, which means I may need some of this for future projects.” She plucked the funnel from his hand, attached it to one of the other pieces on the table, and gave it a twist. It began to glow soft blue and hum, though after a moment the humming noise grew louder and began to emit a high-pitched whine. Frowning, she disconnected it and handed the part back to him. “That io still needs a few tweaks.”

 

With her hands idle, she was forced to give him her full attention. “I do miss it,” she admitted honestly. “As I said, I hate being idle. I feel... useless with nothing to occupy me. As I am stuck here because of my own actions, I also felt that I should be contributing in some way to those that are here caring for me. I have the necessary skills and they have a need for them. It seemed the right thing to do.”

 

“Aside from missing your work, au sound as if au feel au owe some sort of debt?” He asked quietly, curious what her answer would be. Trying to pull a conversation from her rather than interrogate her, tr’Aieme looked a round for a place to sit. After few twists around, he found a husk of a old surgical monitor that he felt could hold his weight. Sitting gingerly on it -- for he wasn’t completely sure if she’d gutted it yet and compromised its structural integrity -- he then rested his own hands on his knees to brace himself, both in case the machine caved in on him and for her answer to his question.

 

“Do I na?” She pulled one of the pieces from the table and smoothed her fingers down one edge to feel for perceptible flaws. “I owe a debt of honor. My life was to pay for that, but the Elements had other plans. Taking my life was na an easy decision, but I felt it was the only io that would appease the Elements and restore my honor for the acts I committed. That has now been taken from me and is na longer an option. I must find some other way to pay for what I have done. I think this is the start of that. These people are burdened with my care. It is the least I can do for them.”

 

“Sounds like au put a lot of thought into your decision. What made au come to this drastic resolution to your problem?” He watched her, watched her fiddle with things in front of her. “What made au think that to restore your honor au had to extinguish your life?”

 

Eyes downcast, she set the piece of machinery aside and lifted another in her palm. It was a small orb of emerald green no bigger than the center of her hand, resting on a circular base. As she gave it a twist, the orb emitted a soft ‘pop’ and began to pulse vibrant green. She placed it on the corner of the table nearest Maec and gestured.

 

“It is beautiful, na? I have always thought so. And to the untrained eye, it seems functional, but it is na.” Setting another identical orb beside it, she twisted the second to activate it and withdrew her hand. The twin glowed just as vibrant, but pulsed at a much faster rate, steady and even while the other seemed to glow in an almost random pattern. “The first is flawed. Years of wear, of constant use, and unceasing bombardment have caused a misalignment in the central core and altered the structure of the crystal.”

 

Lifting the second specimen by the base, she allowed it to turn upside down in her hand and then brought it crashing down on the table with all her might. As she righted it, it remained undamaged, with not even the tiniest crack or chip in the surface. It pulsed without ceasing, regular and true as before, completely unharmed.

 

“There was a point in time when I could weather such abuse without fail, staying focused on my duty, na letting anyone or anything distract me from what must be done. I was unbroken and functional, as sound within as I was without, grounded in who I was and confident in my foundation. Like the stone, I was na born with this strength, but wrapped it about myself over time, forged from the events of my life until I was whole, sound, and perfect. But years of wear, constant use, and unceasing bombardment took its toil.”

 

Reaching for the first crystal, her hand wrapped around it tightly and she squeezed. It shattered, reduced to fine powder from only a small amount of pressure. She wiped the dust from her hand on her pants, leaving behind tiny smears of green where the sharp crystal fragments had lacerated her fingers. “I was flawed, beyond the point of redemption, a disgrace to everything I had worked so hard to build.” She finally lifted her gaze to meet the counselor’s, not knowing if he would really understand. “My parents did not want me, I betrayed my Enarrain in deed, though never with intent, and I was incapable of maintaining any measure of relationship with those that dared to care for me. I felt I had na other recourse but to give those I had disappointed the peace they desired -- that which I could na give them while I lived.”

 

The Kheinsa, upon seeing the small smears of blood, fished a small piece of cloth usually held in reserve for his more emotional patients and handed it to her to help clean up. “Actually, what au are telling me was the act wasn’t so much that au wish repay a debt of honor but because au succumbed to the consequential pressure of your actions and those around au.” Before she could argue, he pointedly glanced down and motioned to the remnants of the crystal she destroyed in her narrative, challenging her to think over what she just told him if indeed that wasn’t what she intended to reveal.

 

Though she did consider his point as she wiped blood from her hand, she simply shook her head rather than contradict him. The pressures had always been there -- would always be there -- but they became impossible to bear once her spirit had fractured. She hadn’t succumbed. She had shattered. At least that was how it had felt.

 

“Forgive me for prying,” He smiled a bit. “Although it is my job to pry,” he conceded, shrugging a bit as if to say ‘what could he do, it’s the job?’. “But I’m wondering, why do au feel au have difficulty maintaining relationships? A support system might have helped keep the pressures au speak of at a more manageable level. Au are quite obviously a very bright, intelligent woman…” He let his voice trail off, allowing her to fill in the blanks.

 

“I have never been... easy around other people.” Thinking back, she could probably pinpoint the age when she began to withdraw, caring more for her toys and trinkets than the family that thought so little of her. “It was why I became an engineer rather than follow some other vocation. I have an affinity with machines. I understand them. I intrinsically know how they work and how to fix or make them better. I can na do that with people. I do na relate well with others. I know how to run my department, for the basis was always the functionality of the machines, but my crew was an utter enigma.” She sighed. “It is difficult to explain. I am na... I do na always know how to express myself in a way that others can understand. It leads to complications in relationships, hurt feelings, and drama. I could na have that in my department and I did na want that in my life, so I kept others at a distance.”

 

“Have au tried, or is it just a difficulty au wish na to engage in?”

 

“I have been making such attempts my entire life,” she replied, attention shifting back to her work station. “I... others do na understand me, nor I them. Eventually, it became easier na to try at all.”

 

Maec nodded a little, seeing a bit of a pattern, even if she did not yet. “Understandable. After a while it is easier.” He tilted his head, studying the woman. “So now that au have this, for lack of a better description, second chance...what will au do with it?”

 

Laehval exhaled loudly and shook her head. “I can na say. I only know that I do na wish for things to be as they were. And thus far things are improving. I know that my father does na despise me. Even if my mother’s hatred continues to smolder, I know that I shall always have his affection. I do na know where I stand with t’Rexan, only... my father told me of her visit to my home and the things she said to both of them -- things that I have long wished to say but have never had the courage to. And she was here, waiting by my side for me to wake, nearly every day, he said. In my heart, I hope that she does na... it would seem that she has forgiven me.”

 

“It will take a lot of effort to change your situation. Au can na just avoid it or give up. This will be work, t’Temarr. Perhaps some of the hardest au have ever experienced. Are au up to the task?” tr’Aieme folded his arms across his chest and watched his patient carefully. How she would respond, both physically and verbally, would determine the course of his recommendation. The Kheinsa was very good at reading both body language, tone of voice and intent, so it wasn’t just a matter of speaking the appropriate response, but having full intention behind those words.

 

She bit down on her lower lip at what could only be considered a challenge of her willpower, knowing that he was right. She had known it all along -- from the moment she woke from her unconscious state, she knew it would not be easy. His words served to reiterate that. It would be difficult for her, but the Laehval-that-had-been had never backed down from a challenge. A fire burned within her, brighter now for the hardships she’d endured. It had refused to be extinguished when she plunged the dagger into her body and it grew now, angry, enraged, and defiant that he should question her. She knew the path she must follow, difficult though it would be, and she would not balk. Not now. Not ever again. Her chin rose as she turned to gaze at him, eyes reflecting the second spark of life that the Elements had gifted.

 

“I will na falter,” she assured him, her voice quiet but firm.

 

tr’Aieme nodded a bit as he stood. “Interesting. I think we shall speak again soon, t’Temarr. For now, I think I should let au get back to your tinkering.” He was rather enigmatic about what his next steps or recommendation would be - but that was common between counselor and patient. Whether it would annoy the woman or would be accepted by her, he was curious as to what her response may be, but it would not affect much of the conclusion of their meeting. “If au need to talk before our next meeting, fhaen feel free to contact me. I promise au what au and I discuss will remain confidential. And t’Temarr....” he took a look around the room. “fhaen be careful that au do na bury yourself in here, ie?”

 

That last drew a smile from her -- a genuine smile that he had yet to witness until that moment. “It was a pleasure speaking with au, Kheinsa tr’Aieme, as always. I look forward to our next session. Truly.” She inclined her head in farewell, seemingly not bothered by what his decision would be. Whatever obstacles lay ahead, she would undoubtedly overcome, for not even the Elements would forgive her if she squandered her second chance.

Edited December 8, 2011 by Laehval tTemarr

[KhreRiovtRex 0]

Excellent log you two!! I really enjoyed it and can't wait to interact with both of them now!

 

Thanks for posting!