What's in a Memory

[Vilanne 0]

[Joint log between doctors Chalice and t’Tamarak]

 

The office closed behind Jaiysa, giving them a private area to chat. Vilanne stayed standing, following what Jaiysa was doing, not knowing if she was going to bolt after approaching the subject or not.

 

“I was rather floored when I came across a pile of files that Chief Mele was still processing. My medical file was in there. I thought all my issues were resolved when my fever broke and I was released to active duty some time ago. I assume you know why they .. well, you... held this BORG information from me?” Vilanne’s tone and words were very similar to the conversation she had recently with Jami.

 

Vilanne had went through her emotional upheaval over this topic after finding it out and talking to Jami, so she wasn’t as wound up now. She felt wounded when Jaiysa left sickbay for science, but now she wondered if this was the reason.

 

Jaiysa said nothing for a considerable time, framing her thoughts. Vil’s hurt tone was obvious and Jaiysa felt a sense of guilt incongruous to what she had actually done, which was nothing but her duty. “I do na know everything,” she finally said carefully. “Au remember that I had only just arrived on board the Manticore at the time, and that my security level was -- and is -- limited. I removed one of the devices in the wake of au thoracic injury and evoked a severe hyper-immune response.”

 

The calm tone in her broken Federation standard really soothed Vilanne’s response. She continued to listen, while changing her elevated forethought to a more calm investigation of the facts, instead of what she was probably to build into as a war.

 

She kept her tone steady, hoping the familiar medical jargon would provide Vilanne with a certain amount of comfort and insight. “I requested to know more about what it was I had taken from you; Erei’Riov Farrington denied the request. Rather forcefully, actually.” Jaiysa’s lips twitched in a faint, rueful smile. “It was na my secret to learn and therefore I could na divulge it to au.”

 

There was a long dramatic pause, as Vilanne’s expression changed, and the tension in her shoulders released. “Oh wow Jaiysa,” she admitted in response, “I am ashamed of my thoughts in my witch hunt. I cannot imagine how you felt not being given information to such a strange situation. It never dawned on me that you were being held in the dark as well. Did you suspect they were borg materials when you removed them?” She leaned over to Jaiysa to give her a hug before slumping back into the chair now, much more at ease, trying to get Jaiysa to join her in a more friendly conversation.

 

“Na. I did na,” Jaiysa said with a slight shrug, waiting out the hug patiently before continuing, “Au surgery was in...less than ideal conditions, rokhinu. At first I believed it merely more shrapnel...” Her voice trailed off and she looked past Vilanne into the wall, remembering those taut, exhausting hours, sitting next to a makeshift drip as T’Prise held the rib spreaders apart and she extracted the bits of a shuttle console from the inside of a woman who at the time was a complete stranger, one of several, so recently the enemy, to whom Jaiysa had blindly entrusted her future. “It was clearly na, of course, when I looked more closely. But it was na until I arrived at the Manticore that I could make any guesses at all, and by then, much of it was out of my hands.”

 

“They never told me, Jaiysa. Like I said, I just found out - I guess - by mistake. This file has information that goes back years, when it actually happened.” She waved the PADD with the information on it, then set it down in case Jaiysa had any interest. “My parents are gone, my relatives all passed on, I was put in statis for many years until they could effectively remove all of the implants. The last of those left,” Vilanne gestured at the base of her neck, “are up here at the brain stem, according to the charts.”

 

“Ie. There were some which could not be removed safely,” Jaiysa answered slowly. “Au suffered a severe febrile response even from the imbalances caused by the surgery I did. It was deemed that maintaining what equilibrium we could was best.”

 

“Now that I know,” Vilanne went on, “I am hoping that my emgrams can be restored, so I have all of my memories back - good and bad. Maybe I could get your help with that.” She paused to think about the mammoth amount of resources the ship had, including those in Science that Jaiysa would now have access to.

 

Jaiysa stiffened involuntarily at the suggestion. She had never properly explained to Vilanne the reasons for her departure from medical, which had been so tied up in the unexpected and terrifying déjà vu which she had found in her first neurosurgery aboard Manticore. She had not described the fear of her own capabilities which it had inspired in her, or the memories that she tried so hard to avoid. She had not explained any of this and therefore Vilanne could na be blamed for expecting that Jaiysa would happily turn her expertise for her benefit. But Jaiysa could na be blamed for being discomfited by the idea either.

 

“Perhaps,” was all she said, after a short awkward silence.”

 

“I’m not sure who holds them, aboard Manticore or who knows where. I’m sure that information is somewhere in these files, so it won’t be tomorrow, of course.” She hardly noticed that Jaysia was pausing for serious thought about the whole thing, because Vil was having a hard time seeing past this issue. “I’m going to have to go through command and get permission. I hope they don’t deny it.”

 

Jai smiled faintly. “Perhaps au will have better luck than I did.”

 

“Than you did? Oh, being denied the info because of your security clearance?” Her forehead crinkled with minimal ridges, clearly indicative of her age.

 

“Ie.”

 

“Starfleet obviously had reasons to hide these things from me, but now that I know, there have got to be benefits to having nanites permanently in my blood, and those nanoprobes that release anytime I’m injured or stressed. Goodness, there would be some major benefits for the whole ship if we can contain what’s in here.”

 

“It is a powerful technology,” Jaiysa agreed. “I will do what I can for au, when au require it. But do na trivialize the technology.” She paused, then added quietly, “Au did na see what it did to au when we lost control of it.”

 

That simmered for a moment for both of them, and then Jai nodded, satisfied that she had made her point. “But as I say. I will do what I can.”

 

Vilanne really hadn’t had any time alone with Jaiysa to talk since she transferred out, but she was afraid to bring it up, hoping to hold onto the friendship - so she tucked away her fears and questions for another time, glad in that they were talking at all.

 

The conversation seemed to be winding down and Vilanne knew that they both had to get back to work. She was feeling that friendship again with Jaiysa, not the false abandonment that was created in her mind, and Vil wanted to build on that. “I hope that you can forgive me for seeing this so selfishly one-sided, and that we can hang out again very soon.”

 

Jai puffed out a quiet laugh through her nose. “Au have been given a lot to deal with. I could forgive au for greater anger if au had felt it. Au are na, in the end, an angry person, rokhinu...and for that au are lucky. Au need no forgiveness.”

 

Vilanne attempted the warmest “Hann’yyo” she could, then let out a giggle to cut the tension.

“When I hear from command, I will let you know - then maybe we can come up with a plan on what to do and how to do it. I’m so glad you have my back, well... my brain on this one. There’s no one I’d rather leave it to, than you.”

 

Jaiysa smiled faintly again and stood, turning towards the doors of sickbay without a word. I may know her forever and will never understand her, she thought, with a sort of dark amusement. Where does one learn to trust like that?