Ode to an ODN Relay

[Atragon9 0]

::Sitting in his office on Maturin Station, making final notations in his personal storage crystal for transfer to Manticore::

 

... and so it looks like Macomb, T'time and Berkowitz will not be coming back to the crew after their interviews, but Syndrx, Jenkins and Dalsazashvili will be leaving with us. Hmm, or is it going to be Yevgeni Markov. How silly to try and hide him - I argued that there could be two people with the same name if you search an entire planet. It's not like the other Dalsazashvili is the Federation representative from the Eastern Sector. Frak, even if he was, it's still no reason to force my Tang to change his name!

 

Well, the ship is reconstructed and spaceworthy again. I had to fight with the Maturin engineers who wanted to re-brand us the 5852-B. Not that we didn't have a huge mechanical change take place, but it's not a new ship and I'm tired of all these re-christenings.

 

Now that I think of it, I'm tired of any sort of event or ceremony - anything that involves my showing an emotional investment, a level of genuine excitement and ... interest. It is unfortunate that Dr. Jaxa has left the ship, I think I could really use a Counselor right now. I am definitely NOT going to seek the counsel of my wife in this matter, either as a ship medical expert or as my spouse. She is the main person I have been avoiding now, for weeks. I have told her that the Maturin and Fed. Council folks have been grilling me over our travels. As much as that was true, it ended more than a week ago and I have been hiding here in my Maturin office ever since. I'm sure she is wondering what has become of me and is either more worried due to the nature of my work-related isolation or she found my schedule and is wondering why I haven't come home this week.

 

In either case, I am not looking forward to seeing her now and we are due to ship out in less than a day. How long can I keep up a charade of caring, an artificial emotional connection that I no longer feel. Maybe I should talk to Sovak... naah, he wouldn't have any insight into a recent loss of emotion, as his training happened decades ago. If I really think of it, it's not a true loss of emotion, it's a new "wall" around myself to keep me from connecting to anyone and, possibly, getting hurt if there is a sudden loss or change. I suppose that *IS* pretty close to a lack of emotions, isn't it?

 

::He stands and walks to the window to stare at Manticore::

 

No, that's wrong, I do have an emotional connection ... to that ship, that beautiful lady called Manticore. I cannot think of anything I would rather do or anywhere I would rather be than to be the commander of that graceful lady of the depths. Manticore is my heart and soul, Manticore is why I get up in the morning and risk life and limb, day to day. Manticore gives meaning to my life and a purpose to my psyche. She is my true love and she is ... Beautiful! I cannot imagine my life without that ship in it. To see her destroyed, twice, was something that pushed me to my limit. How can I have such a bond to a ship? How can I ... Love something as monumental, inorganic and grand as a space-going machine? How can I have avoided and denied my feelings for so long, only bringing them to the surface as I faced her wreckage twice? How can I ... be sane enough to command a starship?

 

::He chuckles to himself, extracts the crystal and pockets it. Grabbing his PADDs, he heads to the docking ring and back to Manticore, back Home::