Stay Frosty

[Atragon9 0]

::Atragon is standing at the window of his Ready Room, clutching the top of his desk chair and staring at the stars::

 

Computer, open Personal Log, Atragon-9, Commanding Officer, USS Manticore, NCC-5852A, password ********* [whirr, click]

 

Home? Home! Did we finally get truly home? Escher and his team swear that we are really, REALLY back this time. I want to say it feels right, but that's what I thought when we jumped back through the Ion storm. Heck, nothing felt wrong even when we went into that storm the first time. War with Arcturus? Nothing is beyond the realm of possibility with the Federation, so why not a war? Yendis assassinated, always a real threat with a high-visibility position. It was only when Melville rose from the dead that I started to have that itch in the back of my mind. Then we find our own wreckage, gads that was brutal! I knew it wasn't really my crew and my ship, yet it WAS and it wrecked me. I never let the crew see how I was feeling, but the toll on my emotions was tremendous. It was something that I could not go through again.

 

So then we fly "home" and get all fixed up and I speak with Yendis and we go after the Coxeter. Once again, Tesseract Drive, instantaneous flight, why not? I'm sure the fleet's Corps of Engineers are always looking for ways to improve our travel times. Nothing was amiss, until we found... our wreckage again! It is clearly unhealthy to be the Manticore! We saw and heard ourselves onboard, we watched ourselves die! Yet, I didn't feel any emotion this time, I felt hollow, hardened. Maybe I had used up all my shock in the first alternate universe, maybe I just got used to seeing me leave death and destruction in my wake everywhere I go. In my talks with Captain Weyl, I knew what he was planning before he ever spoke the words. I could see him dying for "the cause," and I felt nothing. I can think of the Manticore crew from his Universe and I don't feel any remorse. Is it because everything seems unreal when I'm not in my reality?

 

Okay, so we're home now and all is well, right? Why don't I feel relieved, or exhausted, or upset, or excited, or... anything. Have I lost my emotional core, the piece that allowed me to put our crazy missions into some sort of moral landscape, that kept me ... sane? No, that's just stupid, I'm not crazy or imbalanced ...

 

::looking down at his chair, that he had been gripping tightly in his hands and realizing that he is just clutching two pieces of the backrest, as the remainder of the chair had been pulled apart with his telekinetic powers without his realizing he was doing it::

 

... but I am dangerous, eh? Computer, EOM, EOT [whirr, click]

 

+OPS+ This is the Admiral, I am going to need to replace my Ready Room desk chair.