Laying the Past to Rest

[Owen Matthews 0]

Owen sat down on the small sofa and stared at the piece of paper lying on the coffee table. There was just one word written on it.

 

‘Sue,’

 

It was the beginning of a letter he dreaded to write. Colonel JoNs had ordered him to write it but so far all his attempts to do so had ended in him pacing the tiny room. He was torn apart by his emotions. Anger. Guilt. Grief. He didn’t know what he felt. He only knew that it hurt. It hurt so much that he just wanted to leave his quarters and run, run and never stop.

 

Owen knocked over the bottle of whiskey as he reached for it. Pouring himself a drink to calm his nerves he spilled some. He paused a few seconds, watching the amber liquid form a small puddle on the table. When he had calmed enough to hold his glass he swigged the whiskey, feeling the burn of the alcohol in his throat. He leaned back and closed his eyes, waiting for his heart to stop pounding in his chest.

 

When his breath finally steadied he opened his eyes and picked up the pen. He set it to the paper and paused to think. Closing his eyes again briefly he imagined his sister sitting there with him. He blinked back some tears, swallowed hard and started writing.

 

‘I know that I should have told you this. Years ago. Before it was too late. But I was an idiot. I always thought there was enough time for it. I always thought I would be the one getting killed. During battle. That’s why I left a letter. Along with my last will and testament. Back at headquarters. For you to read in case I wouldn’t come back from a mission.

It’s all different now. I’m writing this letter. Knowing you’ll never read it. Knowing I’ve never told you how much everything you’ve done for me means to me. Regretting not what I said or did. But all the things I’ve never said and done. It’s too late now. Still, I’m writing this. Hoping that you’re out there somewhere.’

 

Owen was surprised at how easily the words had come. He had stopped to think of this as a letter for Colonel JoNs. This was a letter to his sister and it didn’t matter that she knew how he felt.

 

‘You’ve always been there for me when I didn’t know how to go on. A shoulder to cry on. A source of inspiration. You’ve always had some good advice. But now you're gone. I won't ever be able to turn to you for advice anymore. I'll miss the long talks at night. You trying to figure out how to get me out of some fix or other. How you always stuck up for me no matter what. But what I will miss most is hearing your voice. Seeing you smile. Just knowing that you’re there.’

 

Tears now ran freely down his face and dropped from the tip of his nose onto the piece of paper, smearing the ink on the page. He took a deep breath. It was all he could do to keep himself from smashing up his quarters. This was all his fault. Why was he still here? He was supposed to protect her. Agincourt was supposed to protect Earth. And what had they done? They had led the enemy straight back home!

 

‘I’m infinitely sorry. For not being there for you when you needed me most. For not defending my home. My family. You. As I had sworn I would. I’m sorry that I’m not the one who died. We led them straight to our homes. Instead of being destroyed we let this happen. We watched helplessly. As they attacked. As they killed you. We just stood by and watched. I am so sorry.

I swear I won’t rest until I hunt down those who did this to you. I promise you this. But no matter what I do. It won’t bring you back.

You’ll never be there again. And now that it’s too late I finally realize that for all the words I’ve said I never told you the most important thing. I love you, Susie and I’ll miss you terribly. I hope that wherever you are now you have found the peace you’ve always hoped for.

 

I love you,

 

Owen’

 

He slowly put down the pen, leaned his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. He was grateful no one could see him like this, crying like a little boy.