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Mark Garrison

"Past, Present and Future Mistakes"

Mark paced through the corridors of Excalibur, his mind preoccupied. The transfer of supplies and... animals to the surface was going about as well as could be expected, so he saw no need to stay up on the bridge to monitor things. Instead he intended to head to his office to take care of the stack of paperwork that had piled up over the week. He'd managed to avoid most of it under the guise of monitoring the animals in the bay...a case of picking his own poison.

 

It also provided a good excuse to avoid Victria. He'd admit to the point that he had been an ass... but being knocked out didn't do much for his pride, of which he was very proud. Still, an apology was in order, and he spent the walk from the turbolift preparing his very best. Pausing at the door to take a deep breath, he entered Main Security and began to look around for her, already knowing she was somewhere in the busy area.

 

She glanced up as he entered, but said nothing, concentrating on her computer terminal in stony silence. The transport was none of her concern as she only served to frighten the animals to the point of stampede, so she was staying well away until cleanup was needed. Despite the taunts from Laarell, she had no qualms about doing such a disgusting, dirty job. She could, after all, hold her breath for extended periods at a time.

 

He moved over to her, standing behind and observing her work. Her lack of a reaction to him wasn't exactly pleasing, but he couldn't sense hostility at the moment, which was the least he could ask for. He cleared his throat to get her attention, though he doubted it was needed. "Could I see you in my office for a moment?"

 

"Of course," she replied evenly. "I have a dozen or so more data padds that need your attention." She stacked them up, unsmilingly, and rose from her seat, eyeing him as she passed. The padds clattered atop his desk once she'd entered, adding to the chaos already there.

 

He silently followed her into the office and locked the door behind them. It was fortunate that his office was a good deal larger than the one on the Union, because the dozen or so padds that Victria hefted in with her were a small fraction compared to the rest that were strewn across the floor. Once his desk had been covered, they'd started a pile on the floor. "You've got to be kidding me..."

 

She snorted. "It's what happens when you disappear to avoid certain duties. You could delegate." Taking a seat, she crossed her legs and leaned back, watching him.

 

Moving a stack of padds from his chair, he also sat, forced to cross his arms as there was nowhere on his desk to lean. "I hated when my chief on the Mercutio delegated this kind of stuff to me. If I can't do this on my own then I don't deserve to be the chief now. Though with Commander JoNs gone the additional tasks and paperwork the Captain has saddled me with have become... tedious."

 

She shrugged one shoulder. "You can only help yourself, then. But you know that Ah-Windu will ask you why you did not delegate if and when your reports cease to be filed timely."

 

"They'll be filed soon. None of these are priority forms; mostly quarter assignment bickering, and status quo status reports. I came down here to lock myself in this office until they're done... and to talk to you. I... want to apologize for my actions during the party. It was...uncalled for, and I fear I've made a fool of myself." Mark looked rather uncomfortable. The apology was sincere, but he was also crushing his usual instincts regarding such an event. Admitting he was wrong was never his strong suit.

 

She smirked. "You did. A fantastic fool, but perhaps I should not have been so quick to shut you up, as much as you deserved it. I do not take well to being goaded... challenged. I am surprised you remember it at all."

 

"I don't actually. Well, most of it anyway. Travis was kind enough to inform me why I had woken up in his store room. I must admit, I don't take well to goading either, though I imagine I goaded myself, more then you did. I... I just... I'm sorry." He sighed, and leaned back in the chair, almost looking ashamed. Over the last several months, he'd learned to control the bond they shared to the point where he could pretty selectively decide what he allowed Victria to feel from him, but at this very moment all his walls were down.

 

"As am I, though I must confess that I took great pleasure cracking your jaw." She smiled, perfectly willing to let him off of the hook now that he admitted he was wrong. "I had a very long conversation with your bartender friend. He seems... interesting."

 

"Yes...Travis is a piece of work. He has to be about the only civilian I've ever seen wear the uniform, and I mean it when I say that. I don't think he ever once considered his service to the fleet a duty. Just a job. Though, he's rather popular for a man who thinks almost solely of himself." Mark smiled slightly. Travis had always been a contradiction to him, but still considered him a true friend. A decade of history could do that however.

 

"So I gathered. Still, I look forward to knowing him more. He was not very forthcoming about your past together, though I am certain I could work on that given enough time." She tongued one of her fangs thoughtfully, wondering if he would make good on his promise for a drink.

 

"A few strips of latinum should be all you need for him to play the role of story teller, though there are several events on which I've sworn him to silence, and ask that you not pry into those.... or myself for that matter," He paused, looking uncomfortable over the memories this line of discussion produced. "Perhaps someday, but not now, as we are."

 

She leaned forward, predatory instincts undeniable as she scented something just out of reach. "As we are? You do not trust me. After everything?"

 

"No, it's not that," He scowled at his poor choice of words. "It's that I can't afford to trust you, or anyone else for that matter. Sad as it is, Travis Kroells might be my best friend. We've lived... and died together. There is a bond that goes beyond simple friendship, compatibility of personality, or anything else. We have a unique bond, not unlike ours."

 

"And yet you still keep yourself apart." Her head tilted slightly. "You should not be ashamed of your past or of the things you have done. If I had time to spare, I could easily recount to you each and every one of my gloriously horrific deeds. My decisions led me to this path, but do not define who I am. What are you frightened of revealing?"

 

He stared her down for a good minute, a great debate raging within him. "This secret could jeopardize my career within the fleet. I can't and won't say more. Not now, not in this... professional setting," He trailed off, and then gave her a small smile. "You're too good at getting to me, you know."

 

She quirked a brow as she leaned back. "You know I care nothing for the uniform you wear. I am here for other reasons. There is no secret you could possibly hide that would make me trust or respect you less. But as you wish," she said dismissively. "I will not ask again. You will tell me... eventually." She seemed extremely certain of that.

Mark nodded, as if to confirm that claim. "Thank you, I appreciate it. It is a complicated affair, one that dominated my decisions the last few years, and one that may have complicated our relationship..." He sighed and looked down for a moment, debating continuing, but coming to the same conclusion he did before. That he must.

 

"I'm going to be blunt, because I don't know any other way. I think you're aware of my feelings for you. You've tolerated my indecisiveness and at times my absurdity, which I must thank you, but I feel I must bring it into the open, if only to save another embarrassing incident like the party. I need to get it off my chest in a manner of speaking... and to see if you feel the same way." He leaned back into the chair, allowing her to absorb what he'd just said.

 

She stared at him from across the desk, extremely surprised.

 

"What is it that you think you feel, Mark? Is it love? Or merely an animalistic lust for a kindred being? I have felt many things from you that I do not understand or can even begin to interpret. What is it that you feel?" she whispered.

 

"I... I don't know. I wish I could be clearer. Those feelings you say you've felt I can't interpret or comprehend much better then you. I'll be honest in what I know: There is love, and desire... and shame. Part of my indecisiveness was the fear that having feelings for you was betraying the memory of another. I came out to the Gamma Quadrant to put my past behind me and to try and be an officer one more time. You remind me of that previous life, but at the same time you're different. It's a confliction I can't put into words, but I've decided that I can't live debating hypothetical situations anymore. I need to follow my feelings, and they tell me to be with you."

 

"Mark," she said slowly, rising and skirting the avalanche of data padds on the floor. "Listen to me carefully and understand the full extent of my meaning."

 

She crouched in front of him. "I am not human. I do not share many of your human emotions. I do not have the capacity for love or sentiment or relationships. I have desires, yes, but they are ruled by my instincts to hunt and dominate. I lust for things. I crave things. I do not love. I cannot be what you want or what you are accustomed to. I can be your lover, but I will never be completely yours. My nature is fickle and roaming."

 

Placing both hands on the arms of his chair, she stared into his eyes. "Would you be happy with only a small portion of what you need? Would your jealousy overcome you if you knew I spent time with another... fed from another? You know what I am and of what I am capable, but you have never fully embraced my nature. Rather, you have attempted to be my human conscience. This would only increase if we were together. You would live in frustration for not being able to change who I am, and I would hate you for trying."

 

He didn't pull away, but finally looked down, considering her words. "I... have thought about that. Part of my attempt to "humanize" you came from the belief that the Al-Ucard could choose a different path than violence and feeding. I'm probably wrong, and it's probably arrogant presumption on my part. You've shown me time and again who and what you are, and I'm forced to submit to that. Those attempts will stop, regardless of what happens here and now. What I am attracted to... what I desire… is you, here, as you are now. If you're incapable of a normal human relationship, I accept that as well. I'm not so in love with you as to try to possess or change you. Nor am I so afraid of losing something that I'm not willing to try for it. Maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't... but I feel this is something worth pursuing... and perhaps you do too."

 

"You will soon find that your emotions lead you down a dangerous path, but not one that I am averse to traveling for a short while." Her blue eyes locked with his as she placed her fingers under his jaw and tilted his head up. "No good will come of it," she said softly, then smiled wickedly. "I warn you in advance so that you might see the folly in it and turn to someone with your own level of feeling. I feel no remorse, I will never pander to your ego, and my appetite is insatiable."

 

"Perhaps this will be my worst mistake yet," a smile grew on Mark's face, almost as wicked as her own. "But you'll find I rarely change my path after deciding on one."

 

Though Victria knew that their attempted union would end badly, she could not deny herself the chance to sample what he had to offer. "Starfleet frowns on fraternization," she murmured as another warning. Grabbing the collar of his uniform, she pulled him forward the few empty inches until their lips met for the first time.

 

He would have mentioned that this wasn't the first time he'd made that mistake either, but as their lips met, all his thoughts melted away. She was probably right, it would probably end badly... but right here, right now... it felt all too right.

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