Circular Reasoning ((Ljungberg/Curtis))

[Samantha_Kent 0]

Simon wandered down the hallway, not exactly aimless. He had meant to see Counselor Curtis for at least a day but he had always found excuses not to. It was obvious he had problems coping with the situation, not that he'd ever openly admit it, but he didn't want to talk about it either, especially not to a complete stranger. The group therapy session had caused him quite some distress because he had no intention whatsoever to reveal his feelings in front of his crewmates. But he had alwaqys found excuses not to go there either. That was something he was good at, having practiced making excuses most of his life. Now he was standing in front of Curtis' office, not sure whether he should ring the chime or not.

 

Caroline stepped out of the turbolift on the science deck where her temporary office was located, and came to an abrupt halt as she saw a young man standing in front of her office door. He was tall-ish, a bit slender and gawky, with a boyish face that made him look about 16 despite the uniform and non-com rank pin that placed him at the age of at least 19 or 20. He bore the uncertain expression of a man talking himself out of something -- not an expression Caroline was unfamiliar with in the slightest. "Can I help you?" she asked, approaching him from the side as she walked towards her office.

 

Simon jumped as he heard the voice. He hadn't heard the woman approach. Silently chiding himself for taking so long to make up his mind, he turned around and desperately tried to find an explanation for his being here except the obvious reason that he wanted to talk to the Counselor. "I'm...euh...not sure," he said reluctantly, trying to buy himself some time.

 

Caroline smiled; the young man was clearly nervous. There were no obvious outward signs to tell her whether he had been one of the "survivors" who had seen the Reaent blow up, but she doubted he would be here if he didn't want to talk about *something*; she hadn't been aboard long enough to be engendering social calls. "Well, why don't you come in while you decide?" she said, laying a hand on his shoulder before moving past him into the office and walking towards the replicator. "Can I get you something to drink?"

 

"I...euh...." Simon was still stammering helplessly, not really able to come up with a reason to decline her invitation. After all, Curtis had found him standing in front of her office. Why else would he be here if not to talk to her? So he entered the office behind her and looked aropund curiously. "Wow, this is smaller than my quarters," he said with a grin, feeling exceedingly uneasy. He felt sweat running down his back and his hands were clammy. What on Earth was wrong with him?

 

"Yes, well, it's better than working in the cargo bays," Curtis said with a chuckle, trying to put the young man at his ease. "Please, have a seat." She gestured at one of the chairs in the small office. He had not answered her question about a drink, so she ordered herself a coffee and a small glass of ice water for him, setting it on the front edge of her desk where he could reach it if he wanted. She then moved to her own chair and settled into it. "I'm Caroline Curtis, by the way," she said. He probably knew that, of course, but an introduction worked as well as anything else for an icebreaker. "What's your name, Petty Officer?"

 

Watching Curtis get the drinks Simon wondered whether he was supposed to say anything. Well, now there was a question he could answer without revealing too much. "I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm Simon Ljungberg." He smiled again to hide his insecurity. "I'm not sure I should be here, though."

 

"And why's that?" Caroline asked, relaxing back in her seat with her coffee mug and looking at him with a casually interested expression. This one would be very easy to put on the defensive; it would take some careful maneuvering to speak to him in a way that would be helpful.

 

He shrugged, looking down at his hands lying in his lap. "I'm not sure I have anything to talk about, really," he said without ever looking up.

 

Caroline looked at his bowed head thoughtfully for a moment. "Well, everyone has something to talk about," she said slowly, deciding that the oblique approach might be the most sound in this situation. "Can you tell me a little about yourself? What is your position on the ship?" She was still working her way through the personnel files from Reaent and had not yet tackled all of the non-commissioned officers and crewmen yet.

 

Another question that was easy to answer. Maybe it wasn't so bad being here after all. "I'm a med tech in sickbay. Most of the time I check the medical stocks and equipment, I replicate stuff and sometimes I get to do physicals or assist the doctors." He shrugged again, not knowing what else to say about his job. "I guess I kinda like it," he added.

 

"Reminds me of the medical internships back on Earth," Caroline said pleasantly, letting the conversation continue to drift semi-aimlessly. "How long have you been aboard the Reaent?"

 

"Some time, I was on medical leave for a while and then came back." Finally simon looked up, trying to see Curtis' reaction to his revelation that he had been on medical leave for a few months.

 

Caroline felt the scrutiny, though her relaxed expression did not change. "I'm glad to hear it wasn't anything permanent...are you glad to be back?" She could look up the exact details of his leave in his file later if she had to.

 

"I guess, I mean Doctor Matthews was really great and she gave me the opportunity to think about it and find out if I really wanted to come back. And I did want to but..." His voice trailed off. Now they were getting somewhere where he wasn't quite sure whether he wanted to go.

 

One of Caroline's eyebrows twitched slightly higher but otherwise she did her best not to show any abrupt response to this sudden change in Simon's tone. "But...?" she asked.

 

Again, he only shrugged. Now he really had to think before answering. "I mean, you know, there was this mission where I got injured and now this," Simon explained, hoping Curtis wouldn't ask any further.

 

"The Proxima mission, you mean?"

 

"Well, yeah, more like the way it ended, though." Simon had half a mind to get up and tell the Counselor he had some important business to take care of but he felt that would be too obvious. So he just sat there and kept staring at his hands.

 

Well, they'd made their way around to it...now to get the specifics. "And...how did it end for you?" Caroline asked carefully. Which of the two Reaent groups he'd been in made something of a difference in how she would want to approach him.

 

Simon looked up, his eyes wide with a mixture of surprise and trepidation. For a second he thought she was really asking him what had happened but then it dawned on him that Curtis probably didn't know whether he'd been one of the "survivors" or not. "I saw the ship explode from the escape pod and picked up by Romulans and I was sure they'd either torture me to death or send me to a labour camp or something like that."

 

Ahh...yes. He had been one of those who had seen the destruction of his ship. "And then you ended up back here..." she said, the tone of the comment open, letting him elaborate from there as he saw fit.

 

Simon only nodded. That was how it had been. He deliberately left out a few details. Like how he'd felt knowing most of his friends had died. Or the feeling of losing the only home he actually had. "Yeah, I ended up back here. So, everything's alright, right?" He looked expectantly at the Counselor, half hoping she'd say yes and half hoping she'd say it was ok for hiom to feel the way he did. But that was the question. He wasn't sure how he felt.

 

"Well, you tell me," Caroline said with a noncommittal shrug, hoping to draw him out. She could see the question in his eyes but it was not one she could answer for him. She could only get him to examine his own answers. "Does everything feel all right?"

 

He frowned. What kind of question was that? "No, it doesn't," Simon said with a hint of anger in his tone. "I wouldn't be here if it did. It sucks!" He started kicking the leg of his chair with his heel. "I mean one moment we're there, and the next we're...here and they don't believe we're really us and ...you knowm, what am I supposed to think? Nothing really happened, right? So why even feel bad about it? I mean noone died so what's the big deal!"

 

There it was. Good; this was progress. "Who don't believe you're really you?" Caroline said, deciding to take this one bit at a time.

 

"Not now," Simon shook his head. She didn't understand him. "I mean they took us to sickbay for physicals and to make sure we were who we said we were and all."

 

"Ah...of course..." Caroline said, and nodded. "And you're concerned because you think this shouldn't be bothering you?"

 

"Yeah exactly. I mean what's the big deal? But still..." Simon let his voice trail off again. "I'm not alright," he added hardly above a whisper.

 

Caroline felt a throb of sympathy. The new officers like Anna had seemed young enough but this poor kid...he couldn't be more than twenty, if that, and to go through something like this... "You're hardly alone in that," she said, all the carelessness dropping from her manner, fixing her eyes on his. "You've been through an experience the likes of which most people never even dream of. It would be strange if it hadn't shaken you. If you hadn't reacted."

 

Simon raised an eyebrow at that. "So that's what you call it now...'reacted'," he scoffed, certain that it had been a bad idea to come here after all. He knew his response was probably getting him into trouble again but he didn't care. He wasn't sure she was taking him seriously.

 

Caroline said nothing for a moment, letting him huff a little bit. "Simon...I'm being completely serious," she said when she could catch his eye again. "I don't know exactly what you're going through, what you're feeling...I'd love for you to tell me, so that we can talk about it. But what I mean is that you certainly don't need to feel bad for not feeling like life is exactly the same as it was before. Like things are completely normal."

 

Simon was still furious. It felt good to take his anger out on someone even if Curtis was not to blame for anything that had happened lately. "And how is talking going to help me?" he asked defiantly, crossing his arms in front of his chest and shooting a challenging glance at the Counselor.

 

"It's a way of letting your feelings out into the open, any way you can," Curtis said calmly, not unaware of the irony in that this was to some extent what he was already doing. She let him snap at her, answering his questions without trying to calm him immediately; the tension release could be important. "The more you understand what you're feeling and don't try to ignore it or bottle it, the easier it will be to eventually move on."

 

"Oh, great! Now it's supposed to be easy, is it? You....people just never get it, do you?" Simon had stood up and was now pacing the cramped space.

 

"It is not easy," Caroline said softly. "What you have been through is one of the hardest things I have ever heard of -- I want to help take some of the weight from you if I can."

 

He stopped in the middle of the room and looked at Curtis. "How?" he asked incredulously.

 

Caroline let out a long breath, unsure if she or he was the one running in circles here. "By letting you talk out your feelings to someone...so you can understand those feelings, so you can move on from the ones that are painful, so you can feel like you are not alone in what you went through."

 

"Alright," Simon said, sitting back down in the chair. "So, you wanna know how I feel. Let me see....where should I start? Oh, I know, how about it really sucks to sit in a lifepod after sickbay just blew up in your face and most of your friends just died. Oh, and hang on, I almost forgot the Romulans who were just waiting to pick us up." He crossed his arms again and fell silent, waiting to see what Curtis would say.

 

Caroline nodded slowly. "I would imagine 'really sucks' is putting it mildly...it sounds like an extremely chaotic and intimidating situation. Were you frightened?"

 

"I don't know." Finally Simon was calming down a little. "There was just so much happening at the time. I really don't know how I felt. Confused, maybe. I mean I was scared of the Romulans."

 

Caroline nodded again, then added thoughtfully, "Are you scared now?"

 

Simon shook his head. "No, I mean, I have...euh...bad dreams but it's over, you know." He frowned, not quite sure what Curtis meant.

 

"What do you dream about?" Caroline asked.

 

Shrugging, Simon tried to remember his last dream. He vividly remembered waking up from it but the dream itself..... that was difficult. "Mostly what happened in sickbay. You know we were hit and there was an explosion and not everyone made it out. I knew Finn was pretty much at the centre of the explosion and someone dragged me out even though I just wanted to go in and help."

 

"Finn?" Caroline asked, leaning forward slightly, letting her elbows rest against her desk.

 

"Huh? Oh! My roommate and the reason why I'm still here. When I was assigned to Reaent he made sure I didn't come late for my shift too often and he kept me out of trouble many times. He's my best friend and well...maybe a bit like a big brother." Simon was surprised to hear himself say that. Normally he'd never admit anything like this.

 

"Ahh..." Caroline nodded understanding. "Yes, such a friend can be a good addition to life for someone on their first assignment." And you watched him die...you poor kid... "Have you talked to him about this?"

 

"No, he doesn't want to talk about it. I mean, how would you like being told that you died?"

 

Caroline made a mental note that she would have to speak to this other young man as well. "I probably wouldn't like it much," she admitted, "but there isn't much about this situation that anyone likes."

 

Suddenly Simon looked the Counselor straight in the eyes. He took a deep breath as if steeling himself for what he was going to say. "I've never had a real home before comign here. I mean, yeah, I was staying at my grandparents but, you know, I have friends here and Doctor Matthews...she could have had me court-martialled or thrown out of Starfleet a few times but she never did. I mean, I was scared of the Romulans but what was even worse was knowing I had lost all that." With that he fell silent, feeling silly because he had revealed so much but it was the truth. Curtis had said talking would help. So he was talking.

 

Caroline let out a long breath as Simon finally opened up to some degree. "I can believe it -- it sounds like your stability was very wrapped up in this ship; seeing it go must have been very scary."

 

Simon shook his head vigorously. "No, not scary, frustrating. I mean it figures. Why would ever go anything right for me? It's all my fault."

 

"That is entirely untrue," Caroline said firmly, catching Simon's eyes as he shook his head. "No one aboard this ship is to be blamed for what happened; none of you could have expected it."

 

"No, no, I'm not saying that I caused this somehow," Simon tried to explain. "It's...difficult. I mean, I don't know, maybe I just shouldn't bother with all this crap."

 

Caroline wasn't sure what he meant. "With Starfleet?"

 

"Yeah, Stafleet, friends stuff like that. It was easier before...in many ways."

 

Caroline shook her head slightly. "I very much doubt that you are the worse off for having friends, Simon. It's friends that help us get through the difficult parts of our lives. Like this."

 

"No." Simon's voice was hardly audible. "No they don't," he said, shaking his head.

 

"What do you mean?" Caroline looked at him with some concern and sympathy but also some curiosity as to where this was about to lead.

 

"I just mean that...you know, how can I talk to them about it? They've been throught he same thing and...dunno, I don't even feel like being around anyone much." It was true. Ever since the incident simon preferred being alone and he was glad noone had noticed yet since everyone was preoccupied with their own problems.

 

"Well, you shouldn't force yourself to do what makes you uncomfortable...everyone adjusts in their own way," Caroline said agreeably. "However...you might find some people would be very willing to talk about it with you if you wanted -- that's why we've been having the group sessions."

 

"NO!" That came out more forcefully than Simon had intended. "No, I'm not doing group sessions! I'm not talking about this in front of people I don't know."

 

"And you certainly don't have to..." Caroline said soothingly, surprised inwardly by the directness with which Simon suddenly addressed her. "My point is that some people seek out that sort of sharing of experiences, so if you change your mind, you don't have to feel embarrassed."

 

"I just don't know what to do. I'm not doing group sessions, this isn't really helping...I think. I'm not sure anything's ever going to help." Simon was starting to get frustrated because he started to realize that there was no quick and easy way to deal with this. "I just want to sleep again without seeing explosions and hearing people scream. And I want things to be like they were before."

 

"It's going to take a while for you to move on, you're right," Caroline said. "But you will move on. You're young and strong and you have a lot to do with yourself. There are dream suppressants that can be used as a temporary measure if your dreams are interfering with your sleep patterns and therefore with your work, but those too are something that will truly pass only with time." She paused. "Things aren't going to be exactly like they were before because you will never be exactly the same. Every experience leaves its mark."

 

"I guess, it's just...you know, it's easier when you don't care." That was something Simon had been pondering for a few days now. Without friends there was noone to worry about. As for himself, there had been a time when he hadn't really cared either and he had managed to convince himself that it was for the best.

 

Caroline contemplated Simon for a few seconds. "It probably is, in some ways -- but I've never met a person who didn't care about something, and wasn't better for it, too. It sounds like you are the better for what you have known aboard Reaent and I don't think you should discount that, or be afraid to hold onto it."

 

"Yeah," Simon agreed half-heartedly and fell silent. He didn't really know what else to say. So he just sat there for a moment, reluctant to get up but expecting Curtis would ask him to leave any second.

 

Caroline waited. She had no intention of throwing him out, obviously, but she wanted to let him direct the conversation. He had been starting to open up a little and she hoped that given the opportunity and not forced, he might continue to do so.

 

"Everytime I see Finn I remember how close he's come to dying, so to speak. And not just he, almost all of the medics in sickbay died in the explosion because it happened right where we usually work most of the time. I don't know what to think. I mean it probably sounds weird but at first I was mad at myslef...you know, for being the only one who got away, for not being where I was supposed to be at the time. I'd asked one of the others to take over replicating meds so I could help treating patients...I really like that better than replicating, you know." Simon looked up briefly and the hint of a smile appeared on his face. But it disappeared quickly as he remembered what he was actually talking about. "There were just so many patients and...anyway then there was the explosion and we had to evacuate and then, I knew I should have been glad to get away but I wasn't. And then there were the Romulans and then the other Reaent. It was just so weird."

 

Caroline nodded sympathetically, listening as Simon began to talk again. "It sounds like it must have been a very bizarre and horrific experience, certainly not like anything your training prepared you for. And...you certainly don't have to feel 'weird' for having been mad at yourself; survivor's guilt is a powerful and painful emotion and it can strike very hard. However, it may help to remind yourself that there was no way you could have known what would happen."

 

"I know, and now it's not important anyway, right? I mean everyone's alive but still...I keep asking myself whether what I'm doing is right and what would happen is we had a similar incident and...well, I just can't stop thinking about this stuff." Simon looked at the Counselor with an expression of frustration and despair. He didn't really understand most of this himself.

 

Caroline smiled and it had a tinge of sadness to it, and she caught his eyes again. "You're in good company; that's the question most of Starfleet is often asking itself. What will we do in this or that situation...will we be ready? And every officer is trained in contingencies and improvisation and damage control and not panicking but in the long run -- no one knows what's going to happen. In the long run what you did then and what you do in the future will always be based on what you felt in your own mind that you should do. And that's as legitimate a validation as any code of morals or Starfleet directives."

 

Simon frowned. He had only understood about half of what Curtis had said. "I, euh...dunno. I mean whatever I do I always wonder if....you know...say, I ask someone to go to the storage and get me something I need and then I suddenly think...what if, you know, it happens again and I survive but that person doesn't, because of me.......ah! It's crazy I know."

 

"It is not crazy. It is how you feel about the situation, it is how your brain is reacting to a situation it didn't know how to predict."

 

"But I shouldn't feel that way. It's wrong!" he insisted.

 

"Why?" Caroline asked, her tone neutral.

 

"Because....I don't know." Simon kept looking at her, cokcing his head to one side. "You're the shrink."

 

Caroline smiled, looking amused, though not in a condescending way. "I'm the shrink and I'm telling you it's OK to feel the way you feel. As a matter of fact, it's worse to try to deny it."

 

"But I don't understand it." Simon threw up his arms and looked somewhat helpless.

 

"You don't understand thinking about something incredible and frightening that happened to you and having it affect your outlook?"

 

Contemplating Curtis' last words Simon remained silent for a few moments. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't understand myself."

 

Caroline nodded. "People spend their whole lives trying to understand themselves and what they want...it's never a simple black-and-white answer, and you've been forced to look at your life in a whole new way."

 

"Doesn't mean that I have to like it, right?"

 

"You don't have to like what happened to you, no. I certainly wouldn't. However, I hope you do like what you find when you look at yourself."

 

Simon shook his head. "What if I don't?" He was a little worried because Simon really wasn't sure whether he liked who he was.

 

Curtis let out a long breath. "Then I guess we have a lot to talk about."

[TKAR 0]

lov it -great story