The Doctor is In

[Annabelle O'Halloran 0]

Anna paused outside the door of the office that was now assigned to Dr. Caroline Curtis. She wasn't really sure she wanted or needed to keep the appointment with the psychiatrist. She was sure the dream would fade with time and truthfully, compared to what some seemed to be going through, Anna felt relatively unscathed. She didn't want to waste the doctor's time, and truth to tell, she didn't really know if she wanted to discuss the experience with someone who hadn't gone through it. Anna tapped the chime and waited, thinking one session wasn't going to hurt.

 

Dr. Curtis was settled behind the desk in the office, which she had been assigned on her transfer from the Starbase. The small room was not ideal for counseling work, as it had the potential to feel cramped, but Curtis had spent most of the night getting it arranged with her belongings which had been transferred from the base, trying to make it feel as comfortable as possible. Everyone involved would probably benefit from that -- including herself even; this was easily the strangest set of cases she had ever been involved with. She looked up from a PADD of data on the Reaent's experiences as the door of her office chimed, and straightened, adjusting her uniform jacket slightly as she turned to face the entrance. "Come in!"

 

Anna stepped forward as the door opened and paused just over the threshold, an easy smile lighting her face. "Hello, Dr. Curtis...nice to see you again." During the survivor's meeting that Debbie had set up, Anna's impression of Caroline Curtis had been that the woman didn't miss much, and that she was very pleasant. Anna wondered what she thought about the alternate time incident.

 

Curtis let a smile drift onto her face as she saw the woman in science blue coming through the door. She remembered her from the meeting, which Doctor Matthews had organized, though the young woman had at the time been rather quiet. "Nice to see you as well...O'Halloran, isn't it? Anna? Please, come in, have a seat." She gestured to a comfortable-looking chair near the desk.

 

"Yes, Doctor, Anna O'Halloran, thank you," Anna replied as she took the indicated seat. A quick glance around showed that Dr. Curtis had already made herself at home; the office felt very comfortable. Anna turned her gaze back to the psychiatrist, watching her expectantly, wondering exactly how this worked.

 

Curtis let herself relax back in her own chair somewhat, catching Anna's eyes. "So...what can I do for you, Anna? What would you like to talk about?" she asked. It was a neutral question, intended to allow the young science officer to drive the conversational topic as she wished, at least to begin with.

 

This was going to be easy, Anna thought confidently. "I've been having a recurring dream--well, actually, it falls into the nightmare category. During the...episode, there was a point where some of us were transported from the life pods onto a Romulan ship, threatened, and in one case killed, before the Romulans decided it would be better to murder us in the life pods and then transported us back. We sat there, waiting to be picked off for what seemed like a very long time, but in fact was mere minutes before the Akiras arrived and engaged the Romulans." Anna spoke calmly, not feeling particularly emotional as she recounted the facts. "In the dream, we never leave the Romulan ship. We're killed one by one and I wake up every time after it's my turn. I've never been hit with a disruptor but in the dream, I feel as if I'm exploding from the inside out." Anna shrugged, and continued before Caroline could speak. "I know it's a manifestation of the horrible fear that we wouldn't survive but that doesn't make it any more comfortable. I'm hoping that it will fade with time." She looked at Caroline with hopeful eyes.

 

She was very certain of herself, Curtis thought. This didn't of course mean that Anna was not as shaken or even more so than the others Curtis had spoken to so far -- it could just mean she was more interested in hiding it. "It's not surprising that your subconscious would be expressing its reaction to these events through your dreams," she confirmed with a nod. "And it sounds like it's chosen a particularly nasty way of doing it; you clearly have an active imagination, which can be a curse as much as a blessing in this service at times. It will, as you say, fade...these things do pass on, but it would be good to talk about the feelings that you think are manifesting themselves here. Clearly your body and your subconscious are still experiencing some of the fear which that experience saturated you with." She wanted Anna to continue talking, even if it was simply to deny the statement; she wanted to understand how the other woman viewed the experience now that it was somewhat at arm's length.

 

"I wish my subconscious would latch onto the incredible joy and relief I felt when we realized that those we thought dead were actually still alive, but I know it doesn't work that way." Anna folded her arms across her chest and eyed Caroline Curtis a little warily, but in truth it wasn't Caroline who made her nervous. Anna really didn't want to poke at this too deeply but she wasn't sure why and so with a deep breath she continued, "For a minute after I wake up I feel helpless...and angry. My heart's pounding so I can barely catch my breath and I'm drenched with sweat."

 

Caroline shot Anna a practiced glance of noncommittal interest, calculated to show she was listening without putting Anna on the defensive. The helplessness was not particularly surprising; it was a refrain she'd been hearing from many of those who had been in the escape pods. However... "Angry...with what, exactly?" she asked.

 

"I'm not completely sure," Anna answered and then immediately corrected herself, adding, "Well, no, that's not true. I know why, but it's not pertinent to what the crew went through." She met Caroline's gaze with a lopsided smile, "Ancient history. We can just say that I think that if we'd actually been killed and the timeline hadn't reconverged at the opportune time, then I think our deaths would have been pointless." Anna leaned her head back against the seat and stated simply, "This was my first mission out of the Academy. Everything I've worked for, everything I turned away from...it would have been for nothing."

 

It was Caroline's experience that the things which people did not wish to talk about were generally the things most worth discussing, and Anna's phrasing was very telling. "You may think it's ancient history but your subconscious clearly doesn't." She paused, and then took a stab at the meaning of Anna's cryptic last sentence. "I take it your career in Starfleet means a great deal to you?"

 

"My work for Starfleet means a great deal to me," Anna replied. "I tend not to think of it in terms of a career, but of course, it is that. Being accepted into the Academy provided me with an opportunity to take a different path than what I could have done had I remained working with my family."

 

Recalling the science officer's earlier mention of "what she had turned away from," Curtis decided to pursue this line of questioning. "What is your family's line of work? And why did you choose to pursue Starfleet instead?"

 

"My family is part of a larger group that works as artisans and merchants," Anna answered smoothly. "I enjoyed school, in fact I loved it and at a certain point, I decided that if I wanted to continue my studies-I would have to leave." Anna shifted in her seat, still hearing the angry voices of her parents over four years later. "I didn't have the support of anyone in my family other than my uncle. He tutored me and I managed to pass the entrance exam to the Academy. I chose Starfleet because it represented the opportunity to explore. I wouldn't be 'stuck' in one place. I wouldn't be...limited by anything other than my own abilities or lack of them."

 

"An admirable outlook," Caroline said with a nod, her expression still interested. "And it shows a good deal of courage and determination to have chosen it through familial disapproval. What is your relationship like with them now?"

 

"It's strained," Anna replied quietly. "I've been back a handful of times and my mother is clearly pleased to see me and we communicate but she stands firmly behind my father. The Clan, that is, the larger group, are friendly enough and I hear from a few of them but my father and older brothers' point of view is that I shamed them and failed in my obligations as an only daughter." Anna smiled at Caroline but it lacked any brightness. "I can't say I didn't know how it would be--my eyes were wide open when I made my choice but I had hoped..." Her voice trailed off and she shrugged, not finishing her thought.

 

Caroline's eyes showed some sympathy as well as interest now. Anna's emotional response to her dream and to her recent experiences was taking on a new dimension. "It sounds like you made quite a sacrifice..." she said slowly, then asked carefully, watching for Anna's response, "You had hoped what, exactly?"

 

"Chalk it up to my eternal optimism, Doctor," Anna replied dryly. "I thought my brothers would at least try to see my point of view, and in turn, work on my father." She gave a short laugh, muttering more to herself than Caroline, "I should have realized the O'Halloran stubbornness would work against me in this case."

 

Caroline caught the self-deprecating tone of Anna's voice and looked at her firmly. "There's nothing wrong with that kind of optimism, and you must have been very disappointed that they didn't react in the way you'd hoped." She pondered the best way to proceed from here and then asked in as non-guiding a tone as possible, "Do you regret having made that decision?"

 

The question caught Anna by surprise, and her response was immediate, "Oh no, not even for a moment!" She shook her head vehemently, adding, "If I'd stayed, I would now have been bonded for at least three years, would no doubt have at least one child, and would already be discussing who his/her potential bond mate would be." Anna smiled and this time there was no sadness. "Don't mistake me, Doctor, I love them and miss them and still hope that one day my father will be able to look at me and see and appreciate me for who I am and not what I should have been, but I will never regret that I chose to do something beyond his expectations."

 

"That's good," Caroline said, and she smiled at the absolute certainty in the younger woman's tone. She leaned a head on one hand; eyeing Anna thoughtfully for a moment, before trying to bring the conversation back around to the original topic. "And this is that...'ancient history' you referenced -- what you left behind...and it angers you, the thought of death without having proved that sacrifice legitimate?"

 

"Yes." Anna looked back at Caroline. "We came so close to death; those of us that survived. I knew unequivocally that we were going to be killed. Slaughtered, in fact. And all I could think of was that I wish I could have made peace with my father." For the first time Anna looked unsure, and struggled to put what she was thinking into words. "There's a part of me that thinks I won't be free of the dream until I resolve the issue and that's unfortunate, because currently, there is no way to resolve it."

 

Yes...here was the meat of it. Caroline felt a small surge of satisfaction even as she nodded understanding of Anna's predicament. "Yes...unfortunately there never has been any kind of magic way to change people's opinions of our actions; that's something that only comes with time, if at all. However...it sounds as if your own personal opinion of your actions may be just as strong as his, and you have a great advantage in that. Many people have far less of a confident grasp of what they want out of their life and career, and that is something to be thankful for." She raised an eyebrow curiously. "Have you considered telling your father of this experience -- and of what was on your mind at the time? Perhaps he would appreciate the knowledge that you still value his opinion."

 

"I have sat down and tried half a dozen times to put my feelings on PADD in the hopes that it would be coherent enough to force him to listen to how close I came to losing everything and how important he and my family is to me." Anna leaned forward, her eyes intent on Caroline's. "And I'm always drawn up sharply when I realize that my words will be the fulfillment of a prophecy he made when I left. He told me that this life was dangerous and if I willfully threw away the protection of my clan and family, if I turned my back on my obligation to my future bond mate and if I joined an organization shunned by all of them, then I had better be prepared to fend for myself." Anna gave Caroline a 'What can you do?' look. "It makes it hard to get past, Dear Father. I know him. He would say he was pleased I'd managed to survive my foolishness but that I should stop tempting fate and drag myself home. Where, by the way, my promised still waits. You'd think after four years he'd give up and make another allegiance even if it's not as politically advantageous."

 

Caroline looked back at Anna for a moment and then said slowly, "You don't wish to see him feel himself proved right -- but everything you say he claims are things you have already accepted. That the life is dangerous, that you are fending for yourself independently. The question need not be whether he agrees with you -- perhaps it is only that you remain in contact with him, that you give him the opportunity to understand your emotions. What he chooses to do with that is up to him, but it would be good for you to be open, to yourself and him, about it."

 

Anna thought about Caroline's suggestion and then smiled involuntarily. "It's true. What you say... And what can it hurt? The worst he can do is say 'I told you so'. If there's any chance of getting rid of that dream, I'll take it."

 

Caroline chuckled. "'I told you so' is not always the most pleasant phrase to hear -- but I do think that opening the conversation will be a good start at the very least. This sort of experience is not something one snaps back from like a rubber band. You and your crewmates have been through a hell. But this may be a way to begin coming to terms with what was clearly for you a large part of it."

 

"I think this experience will be with us the rest of our lives, but for me, other than the dream, my overwhelming feeling is still one of incomprehensible relief," Anna responded. "I am admittedly frustrated that we haven't found an explanation for why some crew experienced it and others did not but in the end, I'm almost glad that it happened to me. I have a much better appreciation for how tenuous our hold on life can be."

 

Caroline finally gave into a really honest smile. "You strike me as an extremely optimistic person, Anna -- that will serve you well in the future, I think. It's a good outlook given how taxing this service can be, and you've had...quite a first mission, to say the least." She paused, then added, "However...there's no shame in feeling shaken by things, so if there's more you want to talk about, my door is open, and you have many crewmates who understand what you went through, if you feel more comfortable talking to them. And that's my advice for any mission you may find yourself on."

 

Anna stood and returned Caroline's smile with a warm and sincere one of her own. "I appreciate the time you've given me, Dr. Curtis and I want you to know that I feel it was well spent and...helpful. Very helpful," Anna added softly. She reached across the desk and extended her hand to the other woman. "I hope we can talk again soon, and not have it be so one sided next time."

 

Caroline quickly pushed herself to her feet and took Anna's hand in a firm grip. "I'd like that," she said with a nod. "And I'm glad you feel this may have helped you somewhat. Let me know if there's anything else I can do. It's what I'm here for."

 

Anna shook the other woman's hand and released it. "I'm glad you've come aboard and I know others will be too. I hope the Reaent treats you well, Dr. Curtis." Anna turned and walked to the door but looked back before walking through, a grin spreading across her face. "In my admittedly brief experience, she can be a bit of a bumpy ride."

Edited June 8, 2009 by Annabelle O'Halloran