Nothing But Time

[Atragon9 0]

::A9 is out for his morning walk through the decks of the USS McCoy, deep in his own thoughts::

 

{Ever since I was released from my sickbed and allowed free run of this ship, I have forced myself to keep busy, keep moving. I spend 4 hours pacing the ship every morning and then 6 hours in the afternoon in the ship's library, trying to make my brain sharp, focused, working at potential. The problem is, what potential? Are my cognitive skills back up to par and if not, will they ever be? Dr. DeJariov doesn't speak of it, but I know two very real issues that affect my future. One is that the Fleet will have to put me to a test, or many tests, to be sure my mind is sharp enough to handle the stresses of Command again. Secondly, the Manticore is off on a deep cover mission and I heard that the IG offered the crew the choice to opt out on it. In my 11 years on Manticore, the Federation Council has *never* offered that to the crew.}

 

{So, I not only have to pass the Command test all over again, just like in Flight School, but I have to have a ship that I can command! As much as the Fleet needs Command staff, I have no interest in commanding any other ship but Manticore. My first command, my only command, a ship and mission that has shaped me into who I am now. No other glove will ever fit the same way. No, if Manticore does not return, I will only accept a desk assignment - I can command no other ship.}

 

{As I pass the wards and laboratories, I am amazed at the sheer scope of this operation, in both how much it helps the Service and in the level of medical science being used and dispensed. It is a wondrous undertaking and I will be forever grateful for its skills in healing me and so many others in the Fleet. In some of my morning walks, I happened upon SG DeJariov as the doctor commands this ship while also being the source of deep medical knowledge to many on staff. It pleases me to see the doctor truly "in his element," but it also deepens the ache in my heart for Manticore. That is Command right there, to integrate your ship and crew into your own soul, to wail when we are separated and to rejoice when all is working together as a greater sum than all of it parts. Listen to me, will you? I guess my psyche is intact, if over-developed.}

 

{I have completed all of the review and raw data absorption that I can in my afternoons, it's time to start using the library's simulators to set up command variations and scenarios, I need to see my reaction time, my decision-making skills, my results. I need to know how I will do on my tests long before I ever sit for them. I want to get to this, get through this and hurry along, so I will know if the damage to my brain will keep me from continuing my life. Yet, I know that I have plenty of time as the Fleet has not scheduled my tests and the Manticore is... somewhere far away. The longer I wait, the better my chances are for success, but if I wait too long, I will lose confidence and second and third-guess myself into a tail spin. My physical healing is done and now I wait for everything around me to decide my next moves. It seems that all I have is time, and all I want is to hurry it along.