Facing the Shadows

[Nicolas Lepage 0]

She gritted her teeth and maneuvered her body carefully through a small opening that she was sure would challenge a toddler. Resting for a moment, she took a deep breath, filling her lungs with cool, humid air. There was no illumination and the darkness felt like it was pressing against her open eyes almost as firmly as she felt the rock around her on all sides. She began moving again, carefully twisting her torso as she crawled her way through the connecting passage leading into the next large cave.

 

This was the third time she was attempting this particular stretch and only the first time in the dark. She always carried three sources of light but never forgot for a moment that there could come a time when she might have to rely on her other senses. She wanted to make sure she was comfortable enough to stay calm if the worst happened. So far, she thought, it was going well, and had high hopes of completing the first level of the program before having to leave the holodeck. It was nice to have some free time now that the Betazoid Fever was under control.

 

Nick checked the controls of the holodeck before going in. He was convinced Isabeau was in there as soon as he saw the active program was a caving program. That was just like her. When the doors opened he was surprised to see the holodeck was completely dark. He entered only reluctantly, hoping his eyes would soon get used to the darkness and allow him to make out at least a few outlines of what was around him. The doors swished shut behind him and everything went black around him. His heart started to pound in his chest, his breath quickened and his hands grew sweaty. He tried to keep the panic under control by taking a few deep and steady breaths.

 

After a moment Nick was able to concentrate on his surroundings. Water was dripping into a pool on the ground somewhere behind him. That was the last thing he noticed. Panic flared up inside him and he couldn't think anymore. He turned around, looking for the exit but there was none. He was staring into a black void. What was that? Had he heard footsteps? He turned around frantically trying desperately to see something. All he could hear now was his own ragged breath, his hammering heart and.... He froze. Was there a light coming toward him? This couldn't be! He blinked several times, trying to calm his nerves but all to no avail. It seemed so real.

 

Wriggling her way out of the constricting passage, she stood, detaching the clip holding the pack leash to her waist belt and gave it a yank, pulling her pack all the way from the opening. Reaching up, she activated the light on her helmet, and then stripped off her gloves.  Giving her tank watch a quick glance, she gave herself a mental thumbs up and started walking forward--she'd beaten her previous time and done so in the dark. There was a pool ahead and that's where she would stop and have some of the water and the energy bar she'd brought with her. She could also go ahead and put her lines together since she was going to have to descend down about thirty feet once she left this wide, open area.

 

She suddenly froze as the bobbing light from her helmet briefly illuminated someone standing ahead and then realized with surprise that it was Nick. She started forward, calling, "Nicolas? What are you doing here?" Puzzled that he wasn’t answering, she moved closer and stopped within a couple of feet of him, careful not to shine the light directly in his eyes. His face was shiny with sweat and it looked like he was experiencing respiratory distress-but worse than anything was the expression of stark terror on his face.

 

"Nicolas! What's wrong? Computer freeze program-bring up regular lighting!" She grabbed his wrist and felt his pulse, very rapid, no surprise considering his breathing. With her other hand she reached for his jaw and gently turned his face so she could meet his eyes. He didn't look like he was focusing.

 

Nick was only vaguely aware of a voice calling his name, a hand around his wrist. As the lights came on he blinked several times and then squinted at his surroundings. He was surprised to see Isabeau standing in front of him. Before he could talk he had to swallow several times because his mouth was so dry. "Wha...I..." He paused and waited for his eyes to get used to the bright light. When he looked back at Isabeau he noticed her worried expression and he realized what had just happened. "I'm sorry...I...bad memories," he finished lamely, not sure he really wanted to go into the details and also feeling embarrassed because she had witnessed how he had almost lost control.

 

Letting go of him slowly, she watched him for a moment, not saying anything. Reaching into her pack, she handed him a bottle. "Here, have some of this. It's just water."  

 

"Thanks." He took the bottle and drank a bit of the water. "Remind me not to go caving with you," Nick said with a sheepish grin, trying to play down what just happened. His breathing had steadied somewhat but his heart was still pounding.

 

She didn't return his smile as she took back the bottle. "What was that?"

 

Nick looked at her intently for a moment. Then he shook his head and looked away. He didn't want her to see how much this was bothering him. "That was...something that shouldn't have happened," he said after a few seconds. "Much less something you should have seen. Don't get me wrong, Isabeau-I trust you but this is something very personal." 

 

He knew Isabeau would probably insist on him explaining his behavior further. It was just not easy to figure out how much to tell her. With a deep sigh he explained, "I told you what happened when the Cardassians captured us, right?" Without even waiting for an answer he continued. "Well, it's not always easy to...remember. You know, the darkness, the sound of water dripping into that pool..." He let the sentence trail off and shrugged, reluctant to offer more details. 

 

Isabeau lowered her eyes as she tucked the water bottle back into her pack; it was difficult to hear him talk about that. She took a deep breath and letting it out slowly, met his gaze--he was watching her, waiting for her reaction. "No, I'm sure it's not easy to remember--in fact I'm sure it's absolute hell, but Nicolas, your response to the dark-the panic you experienced, that's very serious and could cost you your life in the wrong circumstances." She stripped off her elbow and knee pads and stuffed them into the pack. "We can work on that if you want-I can help you try to get past your gut response to being in a dark place."

 

"Your offer is most generous but it's the first time it's happened in ages. Trust me; I wouldn't be back on duty if the counselor didn't think I was fit for duty. Besides, I'm sort of seeing Counselor Davis again...sometimes." He didn't add that the thought of her seeing him like that again bothered him. Nick didn't like it when other people witnessed his weaknesses...even DJ.  

 

"I'm very glad to hear you're 'sort' of seeing a counselor," was her dry response.  She hefted her pack, feeling the weight of the line inside slap against her hip.  "Computer end program."  Releasing her chin strap, she removed her helmet and gave him a frank look.  "Is it the first time it's happened in ages because it's the first time you were caught off guard in a dark place in ages?” 

 

At first Nick considered lying to her but then he figured it'd be no use. She was just trying to help him after all and he was almost certain she'd know he was lying anyway. So he went for the truth, albeit reluctantly. "Yeah, well, I don't really know what to do about it. I mean, I'll have to deal with it eventually...soon. But this is not like the flu. You can't just take a hypo and it's gone."

 

“Oh, I know there’s no easy fix, Nicolas—believe me, I know,” she replied, smiling a little ruefully. “I don’t know what your counselor’s been telling you and I don’t even know if you’re following the advice you’ve been given but your reaction to sudden and disorientating darkness can be changed by you. The underlying reasons will still be there and will continue to haunt you until you can find a way to remove their teeth so you can live more comfortably with it but your body’s physical response, your recently acquired gut reaction of panicking, can be changed by you. You can retrain your physical response to your mental reaction.”

 

"But that's the point, Isabeau. It's not 'recently acquired'. It's been two years now. I'm starting to believe that I'll just have to live with this. I don't think it'll ever change." The truth was that Nick was disappointed. He hadn't had any panic attack for a long time and somehow he had hoped it wouldn't happen again.

 

“Two years isn’t that long a time,” she answered quietly. “If all you’ve been doing is waiting for it to go away on its own, then maybe it’s time to try something different.”

 

Nick frowned. "What do you mean something different?"

 

“Maybe instead of just hoping the passage of time will dull your reaction to certain situations, you try to recreate the kind of scenario that might cause you to freeze up and bring on a panic attack. You start to retrain your body’s physical reaction to the remembered mental trauma. You know the triggers—you can try to circumvent the reaction they bring on.”

 

"I know your suggestion makes sense," Nick answered with a bitter smile. "It's just not easy to do it. I mean would you willingly put yourself in a situation where you know you'll... well, you know." He just couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence. He was reluctant to admit his problem and talking about it wasn't all that easy.

 

She watched him, heard the bitterness in his tone and saw the misery in his eyes. She hated that he was hurting like this-it was painful to see him suffer. "Yes, I would, Nicolas. I did do that, actually." She shrugged, "I didn't know what else to do--I didn't see I had any choice."

 

"Sometimes I think all I have to do is get out of this place, go back to Earth and pretend none of this ever happened." He took a deep breath and looked at Isabeau. She seemed genuinely concerned and it didn't surprise him. After all they had been close friends ever since med school. He shook his head. "It wouldn't work, would it?" Somehow he wished she'd tell him it would. That all he'd have to do was pack up his stuff and run. Why couldn't the easy way be the right way just this once?

 

"Go back and take over from your father and live in the suburbs and stay peacefully at home where the view never changes and you sleep under the same stars every night?" She smiled and reaching up, put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed. "Is that what sounds good? If you think about going planetside do you feel better or do you feel a pang?" She dropped her hand and shifted the equipment, letting one hip take the weight, watching him, genuinely curious about what he would say.

 

Nick met her gaze and for a few seconds he didn't know how to answer that. What was so bad about going back to live with his family? He missed them. Until now he hadn't even met his youngest brother. They'd only briefly talked over comms and Nick was almost certain Benoît thought he was a complete stranger. Nick quickly dismissed the thought. "It would be nice for a while," he admitted, his voice hardly more than a whisper. "But I'd miss being out here eventually. I've never been one to run. It's just that...sometimes it seems like a good idea."

 

She nodded agreeably, her voice matter of fact. "Yes, sometimes going to ground for a bit feels like the right thing. There's nothing wrong with wanting some security, needing to lick your wounds in private." She held eye contact, pausing for a moment before adding, "But it's been two years, Nicolas." Her voice softened and now it was her turn to almost whisper. "When do you take your life back?"

 

Nick shrugged, not certain what to say. "I guess I'm just...scared."

 

"And why shouldn't you be? Anyone would be changed by what you went through. I guess it's just up to you how changed you continue to be by it." She felt helpless. He was always so calm; the rational mind, the logical thinker. When he left Point A, he always arrived at Point B, whereas she had a habit of ending up off the map. She hurt for him.

 

What Isabeau said made perfect sense. The problem was that he knew it was something that required a lot of work and energy; energy he wasn't sure he could spare at the moment. More to divert the conversation from his condition than anything he asked, "What happened to you? You never told me about it."

 

"No, I never told you--no reason to have done so." She slipped her pack off her shoulder and set it at her feet but kept the helmet in her hands, giving them something to do and her eyes something to focus on. "When I was sixteen, I had an accident while caving. I made a couple of big mistakes, the first one being that I went by myself-I wasn't supposed to but neither of my brothers would go with me and as I said-I was sixteen." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, taking a moment to think, to try and find the words that would let him know she understood at least in part what he was experiencing. Not the torture, of course, but as far as the fear of sudden darkness went.

 

"There was a cave-in and the light on my helmet was crushed." She looked up from the helmet in her hands and met his eyes, wearing a lopsided smile. "My second mistake was not bringing more than one source of light with me. The dark was absolute and I was pinned and unable to move forward or back. It took them about twelve hours to find me." She nodded to him. "Needless to say, after that, I had a pretty good case of claustrophobia...and I didn't handle the dark very well. I didn't go back into a cave for almost eight months and then only because William told me I was never going to get to go with him on one of his excavations if I didn't get over it." Isabeau turned away from Nick; it was always hard to talk about William. "We never actually did go. He disappeared not too long after that."

 

"I'm sorry." Nick didn't know what else to say. He knew about her brother's disappearance and also that she'd never given up looking for him even though she'd been told he was dead. There had never been proof of it and Nick wasn't too sure he'd have acted any differently in Isabeau's situation. However, that she'd been afraid of the dark and claustrophobic surprised him. For as long as he'd known her she'd been on adventures, caving, climbing, crossing terrain that was better avoided. "How did you get over it?"

 

"Will and Andy took turns going with me and we started with very short trips and worked our way up to longer, overnight stays and each time we would turn off the lights and be in that pitch dark. Eventually, I wore a blindfold and practiced feeling my way, learning again to control my breathing and use my sense of hearing and touch. It was hard, Nicolas-at first it was very hard for me but I trusted them implicitly and eventually, I realized I was comfortable again, and more importantly, I was enjoying it."

 

Nick couldn't help but grin mischievously despite himself. "Oh, so I need to find someone I can trust," he said in a teasing tone.

 

She narrowed her eyes at him but inwardly she was grinning, happy and relieved that he could make a joke about it. She gave it right back. "No, mon cher. You have to find someone who won't mind babysitting your candy ass."

 

"Ah, sounds like you're volunteering, ma chère." He knew she was just teasing him even though she had already expressed her lack of understanding at his reluctance to get himself into dangerous situations on several occasions.

 

She swept him a bow, flourishing her helmet with an elegance that belied its battered state. "I am putting myself at your service, Nicolas, but..." she smiled, and he would recognize it as one that had occasionally caused him a headache in the past. "I am beyond tenacious I'm just warning you ahead of time."

 

"I guess tenacious is good," Nick said, not too sure he liked her smile. "But right now I think I should get back to work. You can already start making plans if you like."

 

Picking up her pack, she reshouldered it and walked with him out of the holodeck. "I started making plans when you told me what was bothering you." She looked sideways at him and smiled warmly, no longer teasing. "You're going to be ok, Nicolas. Just be sure you keep talking to that counselor and DJ. They are in charge of your psyche and your heart."

 

Nick chuckled as he walked down the corridor next to Isabeau. "So you're in charge of what? Oh, my candy ass, right?" He shook his head and smiled as they waited for the turbolift to arrive.

 

"Yes," she replied seriously, stepping ahead of him into the lift. She turned to face him as the doors closed behind them, only a slight gleam in her eye giving him a warning. "You know you always have to start at the bottom."