Things Odile Is Not Allowed to Do in Starfleet

[OdileCondacin 0]

The following is a tribute to "famed" Skippy's List . While Odile's version is (fairly) free of more mature-content, be advised that the original is less restrained. :)

 

1. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

 

2. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

 

3. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

 

4. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to war criminal posters.

 

5. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on Starfleet time.

 

6. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul off of Starfleet time.

 

7. Not allowed to join any militia.

 

8. Not allowed to form any militia.

 

9. The gods may not contradict any of my orders.

 

10. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.

10a. Especially not if I'm right.

 

11. Must not taunt the Danteri NCO.

 

12. Even if it makes a disparaging comment about Xenexians.

 

13. Must not kill the Danteri NCO.

 

14. Even though it makes disparaging comments about Xenexians.

 

15. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.

 

16. Never bring up Cheron to a Romulan, Khitomer to a Klingon, or the Dominion War to anyone.

 

17. Don’t take the batteries out of the other enlistees' alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

 

18. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

 

19. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

 

20. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

 

21. Not allowed to chew gum on away teams if I didn't bring enough for everybody.

 

22. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum on away teams even if I did bring enough for everybody.

 

23. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (I therefore cannot remember ever fighting Xindi.)

 

24. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the universe is going to implode, more than once.

24a. Not even if I'm using an alien calendar.

 

25. I do not have super-powers.

 

26. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beans”.

 

27. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

 

28. An order to “Make my boots black and shiny” does not involve electrical tape.

 

29. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?”

 

30. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

 

31. “The Giant Space Ants” are not at the top of my chain of command.

 

32. Nor are "The Giant Space Scorpions".

 

33. Unless a Scorpiad really is in command, in which case they prefer the proper term, "Scorpiad".

 

34. If a Marine has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine, it means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

 

35. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Odile Condacin.

 

36. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

 

37. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

37a. Or in my closet.

37b. Or my fresher.

 

38. I may not line a helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasers”.

 

39. Even if we do have an Elasian aboard.

 

40. Especially if we have an Elasian aboard.

 

41. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

 

42. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

 

43. Must not start any situation report with “I recently had an experience I just had to write you about….”

 

44. Must not use Colonel Medusa's yacht to “squish” things.

 

45. Even if they were on the hull.

 

46. Anesthezine gas is not funny.

 

47. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

 

48. Even though they do drink blood and have fangs and hide from ultraviolet.

 

49. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

 

50. Even if I do paint on spots going down my neck.

 

51. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the Earth-Romulan War, and I should stop implying that he did.

 

52. Romulan Ale, mint extract, and an empty mouthwash bottle is a bad combination.

 

53. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

 

54. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for FNS.

 

55. I am not qualified to operate any Federation, Romulan, Klingon, Breen, Scorpiad, or Soltan armored ground vehicles.

 

56. I should not speculate on the size of genitals belonging to anyone who outranks me.

56a. Or anyone who doesn't.

56b. Even civilians.

56c. Especially alien civilians.

 

57. Even if we do it on Xenex.

 

58. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

 

59. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

 

60. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

 

61. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

 

62. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a hypo of Saurian brandy is acceptable.

 

63. “I’m drunk” is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

 

64. The shipwide comm is not a forum to voice my ideas.

 

65. The shipwide comm is not to be used to replace the radio.

 

66. Should not show up at the airlock wearing part of a Bajoran uniform, messily drunk.

 

67. Even if my commander did it.

 

68. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

 

69. Not allowed to use my dagger to disprove “The pen is mightier than the sword”.

 

70. The proper way to report to Medusa is “Lieutenant Commander Condacin, reporting as ordered, Sir!” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

 

71. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

 

72. On training missions, try not to shoot down the Captain's shuttle.

 

73. We do not “charge into battle, screaming, like our Xenexian forefathers”.

 

74. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium does not need to be brought to the senior staff meeting.

 

75. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit r'Ollup.

 

76. When operating a military vehicle I may not attempt something “I saw in a cartoon-vid".

 

77. My name is not a killing word.

 

78. I am not the empress of anything.

 

79. Must not make s’mores with the bunsen burners in the Lab.

 

80. The proper response to a briefing is not “That’s what you think”.

 

81. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

 

82. Even if I wasn't planning for them to be made public.

 

83. Even if the lampshade she was wearing looked like a really cool hat at the time.

 

85. Shouldn’t use Photoshop 2395 to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

 

83. “To commit genocide upon all Danteri” is a bad long term goal to give the enlistment office.

 

84. Not allowed to get shot.

 

85. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civilians who are “hearing conversations” from the microchips implanted in their brain by the Obsidian Order, Section 31, ATAG, or the Tal'Shiar.

 

86. Do not convince anybody that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic, flesh-devouring parasites.

86a. Do not convince anybody that the rash from microscopic, flesh-devouring parasites are just razorbumps.

 

87. Duct tape is not a cure all.

87a. It is conceded that duct tape may be used to cure certain mechanical problems.

87b. Duct tape may not be used to ensure that no civilian personnel are lost.

87c. Anyone requiring duct tape for legitimate purposes will be required to fill out a requisition form with the signatures of two senior officers.

87d. A list of banned uses of duct tape is kept next to the list of forbidden items. This list is also kept up to date.

87e. Duct tape cannot seal fissures in the plasma conduits.

 

88. “It followed me home!” is no excuse.

 

89. "It was cute!" is an even worse excuse.

 

90. Diamonds are not a girl's best friend. A girl's best friend is her dagger.

 

91. "I wonder what this does," is not something your away team wants to hear.

 

92. Nor is "Hey! Look what happens when I do this!"

 

93. If the natives believe you to be male because you are wearing trousers, allow them to continue to believe it.

 

94. Respect the colourful fauna. Warning colours are very pretty.

 

95. "It was like that when I found it," is not a suitable excuse when writing a sit-rep.

 

96. I am not a citizen of "Xenex and those other, lesser worlds".

 

97. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

97a. If the thought of something makes me giggle at ALL, I had better file a written request for permission.

 

98. "Hairballs" is not a proper excuse to give for a day of medical leave.

 

99. I cannot "catch hairballs" from the second officer.

99a. Or the X.O.

99b. Or the helmsman.

 

100. Not allowed to sing Klingon drinking songs on Away Missions.

100a. Even quietly.

100b. Even the "clean" ones.

100c. There are no "clean" Klingon drinking songs.

 

101. Not allowed to hide all the decaf coffee.

 

102. Not allowed to hide anything.

102a. Especially the bodies.

 

103. Calling someone an “targ-kissing idiot” is (barely) acceptable after I get off the comm, not when I think the comm is on mute. Which it wasn’t.

 

104. Not allowed to refer to subordinates as "my minions".

104a. Or "my zoo".

104b. Or "target fodder".

 

105. The bridge's fire supression systems do not need 'live testing.'

 

106. Not allowed to run away from superior officers.

106a. Especially if I know I'm in trouble.

 

107. I cannot force other crewmen into straightjackets.

 

108. I am not allowed to tempt someone into a straight jacket to see if they can get out while they are logged onto the bridge conn, and then write love notes on their terminal ID to other people in their department while they frantically try to turn off the computer by kicking it.

 

109. Not permitted to release ducks into the barracks.

 

110. Not permitted to release any avians into the barracks.

 

111. Not permitted to release any non-sentient creatures into the barracks.

 

112. I may not offer catnip to the second officer while on duty.

112a. Or the executive officer.

112b. Or the helmsman.

 

113. Not allowed to reprogram turbolifts to "take the scenic route"

 

114. I am not allowed to distribute SRM to anyone.

 

115. Setting up a “secret communications frequency” in order to play Xenexian drum music is… you guessed it, not authorized.

 

116. Pen Flare/Cluster Flare/Parachute Flare wars can, and will, start forest fires… which Oddly will be held responsible for.

 

117. Not allowed to tell a lieutenant (who then outranked me) “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re just a Lieutenant!” (Note that this never actually stopped me.)

 

118. I am not a "slave of the evil Federation".

118a. Or Medusa.

118b. Or anyone else for that matter.

118c. This is not the mirror universe.

 

119. I should not test how sharp my knife is on living things.

119a. Even if they were touching it.

119b. Even if they were doubting how sharp it is.

 

120. I can't set up a "Secret Xenexian Base" in Jeffries Tube Five.

120a. Even if I also set up a spot to make hooch.

120b. Even if there's enough hooch for everyone.

120c. Especially if there's any hooch at all.

120d. The "Secret Xenexian Base" can't include large-scale, full-color diagrams of Danteri, Danteri anatomy, or their most vulnerable points.

 

121. I'm the only one who thinks "Danteri Blood Soup" would taste delish, and I can't suggest it to the chef.

121a. Or send the idea for the division that creates emergency ration packs.

 

122. Aquatic pets are strictly forbidden.

122a. Even if I think they're cute.

122b. Even if I think they resemble my CO.

122c. Especially if I think they resemble my CO.

 

123. Canine pets are equally forbidden.

123a. Even if I think they're cute.

123b. Even if I think they resemble my CO.

123c. Especially if I think they resemble my CO.

 

124. I am not allowed to make any sort of animal jokes while on duty.

124a. There are too many cats, dogs, bats, and spineless sea creatures in Starfleet for most of them to be in any way funny, so this is not a valid excuse.

 

125. Rigging yarn to drop in front of the second officer *is* funny, but is not a good idea.

125a. Or the X.O.

126b. Or the helmsman.

 

126. I am not allowed to test the scientific properties of any hallucinogenic plants while on board the ship.

126a. Or off the ship.

126b. Or anywhere else.

Edited July 3, 2009 by OdileCondacin