A bit of a bad dream

[Nicolas Lepage 0]

By Drs DJ McKinny and Nick Lepage

 

 

Nick was lying on the sofa in DJ's quarters. He was just about to doze off while DJ had gone to take a shower. Gilbert was lying next to him, his head on Nick's belly, sleeping.

 

Suddenly the room went completely dark and Nick was soaking wet. He was shivering and couldn't quite suppress the feeling of imminent danger. A crack sounded behind him and he felt a sharp pain searing across his back. As he looked around, he noticed a dim light coming closer until it stopped right next to his face. A soft hum seemed to emanate from the light and panic rose in the CMO. A moment later the world was pain. Nick screamed out and jerked awake with a start.

 

It took Nick a few seconds to remember where he was. Gilbert was sitting on his legs, barking. DJ came running out of the bathroom, her hair still wet and a look of alarm on her face. Running a hand over his face, Nick noticed he was drenched in sweat.

 

DJ had just stepped out of the shower when she heard muffled groans coming from the main living area. At first, she thought it was Gilbert....snoring. While he slept, the basset hound regularly serenaded her with his impressive repertoire of peculiar sounds. But it only took a moment for her to realize something else was going on and it had nothing to do with her dog.

 

Nick came by an hour earlier and invited her out for dinner. DJ had just gotten in after spending several hours in the "construction zone." Real headway had been made on the diplomatic wing and DJ had gone over to check out the new medical facility. She'd originally planned to stay for no more than a few minutes, just long enough to make sure they were really making progress. She wound up conferring with engineers and technicians for most of the day. By the time she got home, she was covered in what could only be described as old fashioned dirt. She readily accepted Nick's offer for dinner but she couldn't go anywhere until she'd taken a shower.

 

DJ insisted she wouldn't be long so Nick stretched out on her sofa to relax while he waited for her. When she heard the terrified scream coming from the living area, she knew immediately what had happened. She tore from the bathroom and grabbed a lightweight robe off the foot of her bed. She had barely pulled it on when she stepped into the living area to find Nick sitting upright on the sofa with a slightly overweight basset hound settled on his legs, barking loudly.

 

She walked toward them and carefully ushered Gilbert to the floor. Nick was sweating as though he'd just run a marathon. In a way, she supposed he had. It was obvious he'd fallen asleep on her sofa and then had a nightmare. She assumed it was the same one he'd been having since he was tortured during a recent away mission.

 

"Are you okay?" she asked softly, sitting down beside him as droplets of water fell from her shoulder length hair.

 

Nick was still a little confused but he had finally figured out where he was. He blushed as he realized what exactly had just happened. Most of all he felt bad for scaring DJ like that. "Yeah," he said in a hoarse voice. "Fell asleep...I'm sorry, I had a bit of a bad dream."

 

Sitting up he looked around trying to avoid DJ's gaze. It was bad enough when he woke up like this at night when he was alone but that it had happened here while DJ was there made him feel stupid. DJ knew he still had nightmares almost every night and that some nights he got hardly any sleep at all but he had always avoided talking about it. Right now he wasn't sure what to do or how DJ would react. So he just sat there and stared at his hands which he had folded in front of him.

 

DJ tried to be discreet as she studied Nick's troubled expression. He refused to make eye contact choosing instead to stare at his hands. He seemed embarrassed and she suddenly felt like she was intruding. Had it been anyone else, she would have walked away right then and there. But this was Nick Lepage and he wasn't just anyone.

 

Nick was special and becoming more so with each passing day. And he was suffering. Granted, it hadn't been that long since his encounter with the Cardassian interrogator whose techniques for extracting information involved extreme physical cruelty. A few weeks earlier, he admitted he occasionally had bad dreams in which he relived some part of the ordeal. That hadn't surprised DJ in the least. Who wouldn't have nightmares after being subjected to such abuse.

 

But he hadn't mentioned them lately and for one reason or another, she just assumed he was no longer troubled by them. Obviously, she was wrong. Something else was obvious as well. DJ never realized until now how intense those nightmares were. These were the type of dreams that kept people from sleeping. They could become debilitating and the fact he was still plagued by them at this point in time was very concerning.

 

She placed one of her hands over his while using the other to gently, yet firmly, lift his chin and force him to look at her. "Would you like to talk about it?" she asked in little more than a whisper.

 

For the fraction of a second Nick considered getting up and putting a little distance between DJ and him. He wasn't very comfortable but he doubted it had much to do with DJ's presence. Walking away now wouldn't change the fact that she had witnessed something he had never meant to admit. It wouldn't make him feel less guilty about making her worry either. The only thing he'd accomplish would be putting more than just physical distance between them and that was the last thing he wanted.

 

So he allowed DJ to make him meet her eyes. Her concern was apparent. Nick tried to think of something to say. "Uh, the ever dreaded question," he said with a grin.

 

DJ bit her tongue to keep from snapping at Nick. His poor attempt to make light of this wasn't unexpected but it was unappreciated....and she wasn't going to let him get away it.

 

The frown on DJ's face told him his feeble attempt at a joke was not well received. "I'm sorry," he hurried to say. "I know it's not funny but I just don't know...I mean I do see a counselor. I guess these dreams are something I'll have to live with for a while. I don't want to bother you with this. You've got enough on your plate as it is."

 

Now she was irked. "Is that what you think?" she remarked withdrawing her hand from his chin. "That you're bothering me?" She patted his folded hands and then stood up. Taking a couple of steps away from the sofa, she turned to meet his gaze. "I'll tell you what bothers me, Nick, " she continued, clearly irritated. "It bothers me that you're afraid to admit you're having a problem dealing with what happened to you."

 

DJ turned her back to him and planted her hands on her hips. "I don't know if you're really seeing a counselor. And I don't know what you say or don't say during those sessions." She threw her hands up and started toward the bedroom door. "But I have to wonder if your as reticent with him as you are with me." She stopped at the door and turned to look at him. "I thought you understood that I care about you. When people care, they help each other deal with life's dilemmas. But you seem to think....."

 

She stopped abruptly and turned back to him, not altogether pleased by the way she was handling this. But she meant every word said and was genuinely annoyed with herself for feeling the way she did.

 

While DJ had been speaking Nick kept sitting on the sofa, watching her. He was a little surprised at this outbreak. Now he was getting annoyed. What did she expect? And what on earth made her question he was seeing a counselor? He got up and took a few steps toward her but stopped short a few feet in front of her.

 

"Oh, you want to know what I think?" he said, not quite successful at keeping his anger out of his voice. "I tell you what I think. I think it sucks waking up every night, hurrying to turn on the lights to make sure there's really noone in the room. It's humiliating talking about this to a complete stranger once a week in my counseling sessions. And you know what is worst? It's knowing there is someone who cares but not daring to talk to them about it fearing to lose them. I know what happened on the Cairo and I don't want you to be reminded of everything just because I'm losing it, DJ. Damnit, you want to know how I'm feeling? I'm scared...scared that everything I've been working for so hard all of my life is going to fall apart in front of my eyes and there's nothing I can do about it...just plain scared of losing everything I ever wanted." Nick fell silent. He wanted to say more but the words just didn't come out. So instead he turned around, not sure whether he should leave or sit back down. He compromised by taking a few steps back and turning back round to look at DJ and face her reaction.

 

For a moment, DJ was certain she'd been stabbed in the gut, the pain was that intense. She felt her eyes moisten and promptly squeezed them shut before the waterworks really got underway. Her emotions ran the gamut from outrage to guilt. She ordered herself to keep walking....to ignore his remarks....tell him she'd lost her appetite and was no longer interested in dinner....ask him to leave immediately and perhaps, just to make sure he understood how badly his words hurt her, insist he not bother coming back ever again.

 

But that wasn't what happened. Instead, she slowly turned around to find him standing just outside the bedroom door, staring at her. His expression was one of anger tinged with a hefty dose of nervous anticipation. In that singular moment, she realized he really was scared. If what he said was true, and she had no reason to doubt his word, he was frightened by more than agonizing memories of torture at the hands of a Cardiassan interrogator. He was afraid he would scare her way....so afraid he would rather hide his pain than allow her know that he was struggling.

 

"Is that my fault?" she wondered silently as their eyes met. Drawing a deep breath, DJ took a step toward him. "You have no idea what happened on Cairo," she stammered, her voice breaking in mid sentence. "You have no idea what it feels like to lose someone you love the way I loved my husband."

 

Her words sounded harsh and bitter. She glanced around the small bedroom exhorting herself to calm down. "Not a day goes by that I don't think about him," she added with a shrug of her shoulders. "I'll always wonder about what could have been had he lived." The words were coming more easily now. "But I don't obsess on it. We had a wonderful life together. It ended much too soon and I regret that. He was very special and that's why I took my time before committing to another relationship."

 

She again met his gaze. "I can assure you of one thing. If something like this happened to Jack, I would have been there for him to lean on. I would have been there to help him in any way possible." A small inner voice warned her to slow down and choose her next words carefully. Because once they were spoken, there would be no turning back. "You're not my husband, Nick. But I wanted to be there for you to lean on. I wanted to help you deal with this. What I don't want is you to use Cairo as an excuse to shut me out.... as an excuse to hide behind your own, irrational fears."

 

As he listened to DJ's words Nick felt an almost irresistible urge to bang his head against the bulkhead. He should never have doubted DJ much less told her about it. He had been so consumed with himself that he didn't realize what exactly he had said.

 

He slowly shook his head as he answered. "No, I have no idea what happened and I know I am not Jack. I don't even have a clue what it's like to go through what you had to endure after the incident but what I do know is that it must have been difficult. I just thought that maybe if I brought up the torture and my problems dealing with it you might...well, think it's not worth it...you know, going through all of it again if..." He didn't finish the sentence. Nick was sure DJ would understand what he meant without him actually saying it. "I should have realized that if that was the case we wouldn't even be here."

 

"No," replied DJ, shaking her head slightly. She pulled her robe more tightly around her and leaned against the door jamb. "We definitely wouldn't be here."

 

This was the first time Nick was speaking openly about his feelings. He hadn't even told all this to his counselor, feeling that what was between DJ and him was none of her business. As he looked at DJ, he realized just how much he had tried to shut her out and how little he had been willing to share. And if that wasn't enough he had also managed to imply that his reluctance to talk was somehow DJ's fault. All in all a great job if you wanted to ruin a relationship. "I'm sorry," he muttered and he really meant it. For a moment he didn't know what else to say. He wished he could just turn back time a few hours. "I guess I really messed up this time."

 

For a fraction of a second, DJ wondered if it was a mistake to go on. She quickly dismissed the thought. She had already come too far with this man to simply walk away. And she was comfortable with her decision that he was worth the risk. But they had to be open and honest with each other....and it had to begin right now.

 

She watched him curiously. In his Sickbay, Nick was the epitome of self confidence....always in control. But now, he appeared very unsure of himself. He did seem to be opening up a little but it was obvious there was much more he still couldn't bring himself to say. It bothered her that he was so afraid. It also made her more determined than ever to find out exactly why he felt that way.

 

"Nick," she called his name softly and waited until their eyes met before continuing. "Tell me something." DJ forced herself to maintain a neutral tone as she spoke. "Tell me....exactly what....do you think you've messed up."

 

This question took Nick completely by surprise but he was also relieved. She didn't tell him to leave. She was still there looking at him, talking to him.

 

"Well," he began slowly. "I guess I got so used to being alone and dealing with things on my own I simply forgot that sometimes what you don't say actually hurts more than what you do say. I messed up because here you were ready to help me when I'd have needed it most and I managed to make myself believe it was better not to be helped. I kept telling myself it would be too painful for you. Pretty convenient if you think about it because it meant that I didn't have to admit that I was the one having the problem not you. I should have trusted you." Saying all this wasn't easy. It made Nick feel uncomfortable but he knew the only way their relationship would have a chance was for him to be honest. And he was doing his best. He hoped DJ could appreciate that.

 

"I understand," replied DJ softly, the anger she'd felt earlier gradually dissipating. Nick looked like an eight year old who's mother was forcing him to eat brussel sprouts or something equally nasty tasting. Opening up to her may have been healthy but it was hard for him to swallow. "At least he's trying," she thought to herself. But she wasn't prepared to let him walk away, not quite yet.

 

She remained where she was, leaning against the door jamb. At least her hair had finally stopped dripping. Canting her head to one side, she nodded. "But I'd like to know what it is it that you're so afraid is going to fall apart before your eyes and you won't be able to do anything about it?"

 

Nick moved over to the sofa and sat down. He had no idea how to explain this to DJ without seeming like a complete idiot. "Well, look where I am now. Granted, Aegis is not the most popular place in the universe but I didn't join Starfleet so I'd get to see nice places. I've achieved much more than I thought I would by now. What if the shrink decides I'm not fit for duty anymore?" He stopped and sighed. This was the easy part now he had to figure out how to tell DJ that he was even more afraid of losing her. What if the recent events had made her realize that what had happened to Jack could just as well happen to him? And what if she decided she wasn't ready to take that risk?

 

He looked over to DJ. She was still watching him and listening patiently. "Above all, however, I am afraid that you might not want to be with me because you're scared something might happen, you know." Nick felt how he blushed but DJ had asked and he had decided to be honest.

 

DJ pushed away from the door jamb and tugged on her robe once again. When she'd first started this line of questioning, she hadn't really expected Nick to reply as honestly as he had. She watched the blush crawl up Nick's neck and settle over his cheeks. It was obviously difficult for him to lay bare his heart and soul but he'd found the courage to do it. He probably never felt this vulnerable before.

 

Now it was her turn. She managed to maintain a composed expression but her own heart was pounding as she slowly crossed the room toward him. "I seriously doubt they'll find any reason to declare you unfit for duty," she said calmly. "You went through a very traumatic ordeal....it left you wounded and it will take awhile for those wounds to heal. In the meantime, you're more than capable of performing your duties so there is no reason to relieve you."

 

She stepped around the small coffee table and sat down beside him. "As for the other," she continued, folding her hands and resting them in her lap. "You have nothing to be concerned about. You're worth the risk."

 

Nick couldn't help but smile at DJ's last words. "That's good to know," he muttered more to himself than to DJ. Somehow he was glad they had finally gotten a few things out of the way but he also felt like there was nothing more to say for the moment. Then he turned to look at her and his smile grew even wider. "So, what about dinner now? I don'tknow about you but I am starving."

 

DJ had to chuckle. Nick had gone as far as he wanted to during this particular conversation and a part of her was actually relieved. She quickly decided not to push him any further. There was still a lot to talk about but it was probably best to save that for another day. It also appeared Nick was just as nervous about their budding relationship as she was. That was another reason to postpone further discussions until they'd both had time to digest what had just transpired.

 

"Okay," replied DJ with a knowing smile. She stood and made her way toward the bedroom. "I won't be long ....maybe ten minutes or so. In the meantime, do me a favor." She turned just inside the bedroom and grinned at the handsome physician sitting on her sofa. "Don't take anymore naps before dinner."