Deconstructing Atticus EMM08

[Images 0]

It has been a while since I recorded a personal log. I never was fond of the things and I have not recently found the time nor the inclination to do so since my re-instatement to the new Excalibur. Things…things have changed in me. Many things. Events that transpired during my break from service have taken quite an effect and every day I see the difference in me. In who I am.

 

I saw corpses today. Bodies stripped of clothes and marked with terrible wounds. And I, I did not once feel a pang of sadness. Because simply put, it wasn’t me who did it. It wasn’t me who gave the order that sent them to their deaths. And more fools they were for not questioning such orders. My conscience is clear. When we brought them in, I am ashamed to say that the first thought that ran through my head was that I was happy. Happy that I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about the loss and was emotionally off the hook.

 

I look in the mirror and I make myself sick. Or more accurately, I wish I did.

 

The reason I simple refuse to take any more guilt into my system is simple. I’m too guilty enough already. What I have done hangs over me and the only way I can hope to get it off my chest and out of my head is to say it. Lay out the whole damn thing to someone, even if its to just myself.

 

I know now what other Trills’ meant when I first heard them speak of the curse. The defect of the Segami symbiont buried in me. They say that in each of its joinings there has always been a chance for the new host to be either blessed and exalted, or to be ruined and tainted. I now realize that it’s true and that its always been there, hidden deep within the symbiont itself, for much longer than most think.

 

Those who’ve heard of the myth say it began with the actions of my third host, Marya Segami, when her insanity almost led to the complete destruction of the Federation Starship USS Entropy. But even long before that, my very first host, Raiya Segami, was nothing more than a petty thief who allowed priceless works of art to be lost forever on the black market. A less-than pretty fact that has not been discovered even to this day.

 

Between my hosts there have indeed been some heroes, like Oran Segami the literary genius, Erian Segami the innovative scientist and Layor Segami the esteemed diplomat. But then again there was Daldera Segami the vicious smuggler and Mychori Segami the drug addicted philanderer. The symbiont has truly earned its title for enriching or corrupting it hosts. And now, now my name joins a list.

 

I am one of the damned. And its because of another that this is so.

 

The name of the person I speak of was “Ton Lyna”, and he was a Bajoran by race. During the Dominion War, while I wrote rebellious plays and drank myself to death back on Trill, he engaged in other sins. He murdered and lied, and stole and cheated. He was an enforcer for a group known as “The Orion Syndicate”. Though always infamous for its evil deeds, it is the syndicate’s terrible post-war legacy that is truly renowned. That they willingly co-operated with the Dominion in order to try and secure their future in a soon-to-be conquered Alpha Quadrant. Ton Lyna was one of the men who helped them do this. He eliminated Bajoran ministers who supported the Federation, he relayed information on Starship troop maneuvers to the enemy and was even involved in the kidnapping of a Starfleet Commander. He betrayed his own people to the enemy.

 

After the war however, it was obvious the Orion syndicate had backed the wrong side. Precious resources had been wasted, entire crime families lay in ruins through Dominion meddling and one by one people went down for their crimes. Ton Lyna was eventually found in a backwater port of call, trying to secure passage under a fake name with a case full of currency. After his initial arrest he was ordered to stand trial in a Federation court for his sins and so it was arranged for him to be transported to earth on a Starfleet vessel called the “USS Shanghai”.

 

This is where our paths crossed. And my life changed.

 

I was serving aboard the USS Shanghai for my first assignment as what is known as a ‘rotating bridge officer’. The role is used on some ships to train those who would like to jump up the command ladder through overall experience. I would change posts every so often to a different part of the bridge, usually to fill a vacancy. I had studied hard at the academy to be a security man instead of this but my recent joining with the Segami symbiont had given me a change of mind as to the basis of my Starfleet career. However I did still enjoy a few drinks and training activities with the yellow shirts…which is how I eventually met Kathleen.

 

She was simply beautiful. Beautiful in almost every way. Which after living as long as I have, is saying quite a lot. She had these eyes you could stare into for hours and dark chestnut hair which felt like silk as I ran my fingers through it at night. And that smile…you could melt glaciers with that smile. It was like…like…

 

…

 

It doesn’t matter what it was like does it? There wasn’t anything left of it when that bastard was finished with her. Just a mash of teeth, blood and bruising.

 

When Ton Lyna was put on board for his transfer it was Kathleen who got guard duty in the brig.

 

I didn’t know what had happened to her till it was too late. Until O’Connor, chief of security on the Shanghai woke me up from my slumber and showed me her lying in the morgue. I was told that Ton had tried to escape. That by the time he’d been arrested he had already hidden a blade and a field disabling device under the flesh of his left leg. Our scans never found the damn thing and I’ll never figure out why. When Kathleen had her back turned, he activated the device and got the drop on her. She fought hard and gave him a few bruises but couldn’t stop the final lunge that pierced her heart and ended her life. Ton Lyna didn’t even make it to the shuttlebay before he was caught.

 

And on that day, the man I was died.

 

When the time finally came for Lyna to face the music, a couple of years later, Federation priorities had changed. The powers that be didn’t mind forgetting relative “small fry” like him and instead wanted all the dirt they could get the big fish. He got immunity for all his wartime actions and was entered into the witness protection scheme. They placed him in a secluded residential area on an out of the way planet with a tracking unit on his ankle. He was supposed to testify on all his bosses at the end of the month. Within 3 days, he’d broken free and was off the radar.

 

During this period, I transferred to security, got posted to the USS Excalibur, got promoted, got given my own department to run and generally tried to get on with my life. But just because a chapter of your life ends, it doesn’t mean you don’t keep re-reading it. The love I had for Kathleen poisoned me. I went over what happened again and again in my head, wishing I could go back and change things. Wishing I could wake my own ass up and send myself to save her from being impaled. But I couldn’t do that, so in the end I did the only thing I could.

 

I focused on revenge.

 

With the knowledge of several lifetimes spent amongst the criminal underworld and my ever-increasing security status I hunted Ton Lyna. With each promotion gained, I used its access to restricted files to find the man who thought he could walk away from it all. When I was given charge of the department and my third pip I had enough intel track the bastard down. So when the old Excalibur was decommissioned I did just that.

 

I traveled amongst the scum of society, I changed my appearance and removed everything from myself related to Starfleet. I questioned thugs and squeelers till I got what I wanted, a location.

 

Lyna had returned to the fold. Still wanted across the quadrant by the authorities he was laying low under the benevolence of a middle-ranking mob boss. Putting up his feet in a mansion, he was also being guarded by a handful of syndicate goons. I waited till nightfall before I made my move.

 

There is nothing like Starfleet security training to make taking out goons so much fun. One by one I picked them off, with a rifle set to stun. I only wanted Ton and besides it wouldn’t be practical to declare war on the Orion syndicate, they’ve killed me once before and it wasn’t nice.

 

He knew I was coming from the start. He wasn’t a fool and he still had plenty of informants to tell him all about me. He said this as I lay on the floor of his sleeping quarters, catching my breath after being thrown into a mirror. He said he found it amusing and was honestly confused with why I still “gave a ######” after all this time. He even offered me the chance to leave, with a wad of cash in my hand no less. But I told him exactly what I thought of that. I told him after I tackled him, stuck him with a piece of broken glass and began to throttle him precisely why I couldn’t “let go”.

 

And that’s it. I took his Bajoran earring as a keepsake and left. Forever tainted, a murderer.

 

It would confuse people to know why I really did it. Scare them even. I do not pretend that I did what I did out of devotion to Kathleen. I had indeed moved on and had attempted to continue a love life. I did it because I wanted my pound of flesh. Plain and simple.

 

The Segami curse continues. And I now feel…empty.

 

This difference in me has been impossibly heavy to withstand. I do not know if this has been noticed by the other crew. And though I am tempted to tell my twisted tale to Victria knowing that she alone like no other could understand my need for vengeance, I am not sure if she trusts me still. I have no intention of being betrayed and prosecuted for ridding the world of such an evil man.

 

So there I have it. My whole story laid out crystal clear. This confessional has eased my soul. It shall be such a pity when I erase it. But I cannot risk stupidity in what is a purely therapeutic exercise. And a wonderful exercise it has been. Dr. Zier could only wish to be as useful.

 

I suppose dramatic cliché’s still get me. Must be in the blood.

 

Computer…delete log.