A Triumphant Failure

[Keb 0]

A Triumphant Failure

 

Keb’s Personal Log, Stardate 50801.21

 

Shortly after I returned to Manticore, while I was still disoriented and getting used to being home, trying to find my place among the crew again, the admiral called on me to displace Escher for a while. I felt wrong about the temporary promotion, even if it was to my old position, because he had earned it in my absence and it felt like I was taking it away from him. So I should be glad to hand back the title of Chief after babysitting it for a bit. Besides, I know that Escher deserves his post; he’s been on his best behavior and while he forgot his place a few times at first, I couldn’t possibly find fault with him.

 

And yet I’m not. I’m an emotional wreck. I had to leave my post in the middle of my shift. No, right near the start of my shift. What kind of responsible officer does that? I should probably make an appointment with Commander Farrington, but I’d hate to be a burden when she’s trying to help the admiral recover.

 

Maybe I’m just that greedy and selfish. Everyone wants to feel like they’ve achieved something. My parents were proud of me when I told them I was Chief the first time. They knew this was only temporary, of course, but I think they still felt proud I’d been put back in the same position after returning. Now I feel almost like I’m letting them down, like suddenly I’m something less just because I answer to one more officer in the chain, someone who was technically my senior officer all this time anyway.

 

But what is almost worse is that somehow I feel like I let the admiral down. I’ve come to think of him as a sort of second father or something. I did exactly what he asked me to—I filled in, and I kept Escher in line even when he knew more about what our jobs were than I did. And yet when he relieved me of the duty, when the job was done, when I’d succeeded…I felt like I was being dismissed, a failure, unworthy of the post I’ve held for the last few months. It’s almost like making a great discovery, having it hailed all over the Federation, and then finding out that the results were wrong, and it was all a fluke caused by contamination. No, it’s not like that at all, but that’s what it must feel like. Like your award has been taken away.

 

And now I’m back to feeling petty and childish again. MINE! The funny thing is, I was supposed to be helping Escher learn about the chain of command and proper behavior for an officer. This is most certainly not the sort of behavior that an upstanding and refined officer displays. Maybe that’s why I feel like I failed.