"Awkward Silences, Part 1"

[Lexia 0]

Dr. Lexia Tordai

&

Lt., j.g. Aidan Driscol

 

Lexia strode out of Main Sickbay as the doors swished closed behind her. She turned the corner and began walking towards her quarters, her mind racing even faster then her feet. She had spent the last hour watching the time slowly melt by and now it seemed like the moment was here all too fast. This is crazy, she thought to herself. What in the worlds was she thinking?

 

Aidan leaned against the wall right next to the sickbay doors and watched Lexia walk past him, lost in her thoughts too deeply to notice him. He slowly started to follow her wondering how close he could get to her before she noticed him.

 

She was completely oblivious to the other beings presence until she reached the turbolift. She hit the call button and paused. As she stood waiting, she became aware that she was not alone. Turning she nearly choked when she saw the man standing behind her. "I thought we had agreed to meet at my quarters fifteen minutes after my shift..."

 

Aidan grinned at her. He had only just managed not to bump into her; he had concentrated so much on his little game that he hadn't noticed she had arrived at the turbolift. "What can I say Doctor, I couldn't stand another minute without you." Of course this wasn't quite true; he had wanted to make sure she wouldn't run away.

 

She tilted her head, there was more to it then that but she decided not to press it. "Very well then," she said as the turbolift arrived. "Did you have a destination in mind?"

 

Aidan pretended he had to think about her question. "Well, let's see, my quarters? No, I have smelly socks lying about. Shuttle bay? there you could pretty much just dispose of me if I annoy you."

 

“Do not give me ideas," she said in a tone that she hoped was clearly joking. "Seriously Driscol, where are we going?"

 

He looked at her for a moment before he answered. "I could give you heaps more ideas. Seriously Doctor, how about your quarters, you know them, I have figured out the quickest escape route since last time and they'd give us some privacy. We could also go to the mess hall, but I'm known to make scenes," he made sure he didn't stand too closely to her in the turbolift. He was all for idea giving but he also valued his life.

 

She paused, considering the mess hall. She was not really hungry and sitting in the mess hall not eating could turn awkward. "My quarters are acceptable." She called out her deck number. "Let's hope you do not need those escape routes this time."

 

"I'll try to be a good boy, I promise." He knew this was going to be an awkward time but he wanted to make it as pleasant as possible. Just as much as he wanted to keep this private. He didn't want people to talk, and he knew neither did Lexia. Having people talk about you on a ship where you couldn't avoid each other was terrible.

 

She stepped out of the turbolift turning towards her quarters, "I suggest you make it a point to be a good boy or you will need those escape routes." She reached her door and paused a moment, the last time they were both here things went greatly awry.

 

Aidan had been in thought and had just followed Lexia, so this time he actually did bump into her when she stopped. "Sheesh, Tordai, why do you keep doing that today. If you wanted to be close to me you'd just have to say something." He made sure to go through the escape routes in his mind again.

 

Luckily the door had opened as he bumped into her and she simply stumbled into her quarters. "Driscol..." she said in that tone of voice she used so often with him when he started annoying her. She knew he was probably just nervous, hell she was nervous herself. Nervous...what a strange emotion. Lexia would have died before admitting she was nervous, however, and she simply motioned for him to enter.

 

After checking nobody in the corridor had seen his less than graceful entrance to her quarters, Aidan followed her. He looked about and noticed that nothing had changed since the last time, but then, why would anything have changed. Standing about he waited for her to invite him to sit somewhere.

 

She walked to the replicator. "I trust the couch is somewhere on that escape map you have in your head," she smirked, but only slightly, "can I get you anything?"

 

"Well, last time I sat there you almost killed me, so I figured I'd wait for you to allow me to sit, or tell me to grovel in a corner. Well, I'm off duty and I'm going to spend quite a while without talking, I need a beer." He hoped she'd not get the wrong impression by him joking around even more than usual, he just wanted to stay in fairly safe waters for as long as possible.

 

"Groveling will not be necessary," she replicated his beer and was about to type in a Lady Grey. She took a deep breath, and the feeling that this was about to get awkward hit her. She ordered a Cosmopolitan. Picking up the two drinks she made her way to the couch.

 

Aidan took the beer from her when she reached him and then sat down after she did. "Is not necessary yet, you mean to say. And thanks for the drink." He took a sip and leaned back.

 

"You're welcome," she replied as she sat down. She took a long sip off her drink. She felt like she should say something, but the words just would not come. She sat with her long fingers wrapped around her drink as the awkward silence stretched on.

 

Aidan leaned his head against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes wondering if he should make this easier for her or not. He was worried that if he did she's wriggle her way out of saying what needed to be said. So he just joined her in her silence.

 

They sat there for what seemed like hours, but she knew it could only have been minutes. Her drink sank below the halfway mark, keeping pace with his beer’s rate of decent. She had to say something, anything; she had to break this god’s awful silence. "Why?" she regretted it as soon as she said it, mentally slapping herself.

 

Here we go, he thought and acted as if he had been perfectly comfortable with this silence and hadn't expected her to talk. "Why what?"

 

"Nothing," she blurted, taking another long sip of her drink. It was a bad response and she knew it, but her mouth was getting in front of her mind now. She felt like she was on an out of control ride.

 

"Oh, come on, you wouldn't ask if there weren't something you wanted to know. We're here to talk, aren't we? Let's talk. Why what?" No, he definitely wouldn't make this easy for her, even if she would hate him for that.

 

"Why are you still here?" the words came out far harsher then she had meant, the intention of the question lost behind the unintended inflection. She turned towards him quickly, "Wait that is not....what I meant was...." gods would this ever be simple?

 

Aidan opened one eye and raised his eyebrows. "Listen, we're both probably going to say things that we think we shouldn't ever say in the course of this, but you know, should that be we'll just get so drunk that we won't remember in the morning." This would take a while, he knew that, but he was surprisingly okay with the situation right now.

 

She regained her composure. "I know," she sighed. "I do not find myself in this situation often Aidan. He laughed. "That much is clear, but you know, nobody does, or hardly anybody does. But sometimes it's all about trusting someone enough to tell them things that you would rather keep to yourself simply because you know they have to be said," he frowned, "did that even make sense?"

 

"No," she smiled a very small smile, "but has anything made any sense in this conversation?"

 

"What conversation?" Aidan laughed. He wished he could make this easier for her and for him, but he didn't know how. When he looked over at her he just wanted to... no, he really shouldn't, it was silly and she wasn't the kind of woman to like silliness. "But has anything made sense since you first saw me?"

 

She took a deep breath, yes her mind screamed at her. Well, yes and no....did lo- did things like this ever make sense? She looked at him and noticed he was looking at her. She found her neck was turning ice cold as her face was suddenly warm. She just sat there looking at him. All the words she had in her mind melted away as she stared into his eyes. They were brown...she hadn't noticed...

 

As he kept looking at her he wondered if she was ever going to say something, or maybe he should indeed make the first move. It wasn't that he was shy it had just seemed to him that in this whole thing it would be right to let her make the first move. This wasn't about who initiated the first kiss or anything, but it was about who would finally say something more committal than "I don't mind your company" or rubbish like that.

 

She knew he was waiting on her, and that made her feel better, if only a little. She leaned forward her lips meeting his. The doubts in her mind quieted as if the eye of the storm was passing over her. She has been fighting this for a very long time and the release of the anxiety and tension was almost euphoric; or at least as close to euphoric as Lexia ever went. The swirl of emotion stopped spinning and coalesced into calm clarity. It seemed her entire thought process hung in stasis.

 

Aidan was taken aback by her sudden move and his mind started racing. He had almost backed away from her, not because he didn't like this - no indeed it was pretty good, actually…surprisingly - but simply because he was so surprised. But what did this mean exactly, and where would it end and what did she expect him to do now, and why the hell was he even thinking all these things at this moment? He finally started to relax a little and returned the kiss.

 

She felt him give in to the kiss, their lips parting slightly; then as suddenly as it began, it ended. She could not really tell who ended it; it seemed as if they both drifted away at the same time. As their lips parted the clouds rolled back in; the doubt returned and her mind began to race once again. The calm clarity that had overtaken her turned once again into the out of control storm within her mind. Only now the swirls of doubt about the action she had just taken joined the rest, causing her heart-rate to rise and panic to begin to set in. She sat next to him, speechless and motionless, for what felt like an eternity.

 

When the kiss ended Aidan looked at Lexia for a moment and then got up and walked over to the replicator getting himself another beer and her another cosmopolitan. He did this not to get away from her, because, god knew, he really didn't want to, but because he felt that Lexia might need a little space now. "It's still not much of a conversation we're having. Not that I mind where this is going." Aidan knew he was behaving like a prat, but he really didn't know how to react.

 

She took the drink and took a long sip from it before placing it on the table in front of her. She looked up at him, "That is all you can say?" Aidan sat down on the coffee table in front of her, put the beer away and took her hands into his. "No, it's just... I don't know what to say, I don't know what you want me to say. You confuse me; I confuse myself. I don't want to be confused anymore." The whole time he had looked at their hands but he had looked up at her almost pleadingly as he had said the last sentence. There it was, he had said something silly, something emotional.

 

He had said something real. "There is the key.”

 

He frowned. "The key? What key, what is the key?" He wasn't quite sure what she was talking about, he just wished he'd understand more of what was going on with all of this.

 

"We have to quite talking in sarcastic volleys, Aidan," she let her hands rest in his, her eyes staring into his. "Trust me that is not going to be easy for me, but we are only going to stay confused and running in circles if we keep taking cheap shots at each other all the time."

 

"I know, even though it's weird coming from you, but I know. It's just... I don't know, easier that way, I guess... I mean, somehow…you know." Oh god, now he was sounding like an idiot. What was up with him, he had never had a problem talking to women, why was this different all of a sudden?

 

He was stuttering, and it was, oddly enough, kind of cute. "Yes I know Aidan." she took a deep breath. "This is not going to be easy..."

 

"I've never really been with a woman," he suddenly blurted out without even knowing where that was coming from. Right about now he started to wish they had gone to the shuttle bay so he could throw himself out before he'd make it any worse. "I mean, I've been with a woman, I just... it wasn't anything, you know... nothing... I don't know... it never really meant much... to either." He shortly contemplated to run out and ask Colonel Harper for permission to go on a suicide mission to get the General, he had never in his entire life made such a fool out of himself.

 

Lexia held her fingers up to his lips, not in a condescending way, but in a loving type of way. He was grasping for words, rambling and trying to say everything except what needed to be said; what they both needed to say and hear since this all began. What they both knew, but were afraid to admit. She summoned every ounce of courage she had, "Aidan."

 

He looked at her but didn't say a word, for some reason he wanted to run away but at the same time he wanted to stay, it all didn't make sense to him. So he just looked at her and waited for her to finish what she was about to say.

 

"I think I love you."