"Confessions of a Trill"

[Lexia 0]

Ensign Aidan Driscol

&

Dr. Lexia Tordai

 

Lexia moaned in her sleep, the tranq was beginning to wear off, but she had yet to break out of her dreams and back to the real world nightmare around her. She turned and buried her unconscious head in her pillow.

 

Aidan was bored but hadn't been cleared to go back to work, yet. So, he had decided to see how Lexia was doing, he hadn't seen her since she had left him sitting in the closet. He was walking down the corridor to her quarters hoping this time his visit wouldn't be a disaster. Stopping at her door he chimed.

 

Lexia sat strait up in bed, her mind still trapped somewhere between dreams and reality. Was that another scream or was it a chime? She opened her eyes and quickly dried them with the sleeve of her shirt. Her mind whirled back into reality, though still groggy from the tranq. She placed her feet on the ground and stood, a bit wobbly. "Com...computer, who is at my door?"" The computer responded in its quick and chipper manner. "Ensign Aidan Driscol." Lexia sighed and straitened her shirt. She had promised the man an explanation and she figured this was as good a time as any. "Come."

 

Aidan entered her quarters; his smile vanished as soon as he saw her. She looked like hell. This time he deliberately only stepped in and then stopped, he didn't want to intrude and waited for her to either invite him to stay or to throw him out again. "Hello Doctor Tordai, I seem to have woken you up, I'm sorry, I shall just leave and let you sleep."

 

Lexia grabbed a brush off the night stand and began to brush the tangles out of her hair. Only the gods knew how long she had slept, but by the state of her black locks she assumed quite a while. It had been quite some time since Lexia had been around anyone with her hair down out of the tight bun she usually wore. "No, come in," she said simply, looking at the chrono on the wall. She had been asleep for nearly 14 hours, but still felt drained.

 

Motioning to the sofa Aidan asked: "Mind if I sit down? I'm still supposed to be in bed too, orders from your chief, but I find it impossible to relax. It must be even harder for you I suppose."

 

"Have a seat," she said moving to the replicator after securing her hair in its usual bun. She replicated herself a cup of Lady Grey and turned to Driscol. "Something to drink?"

 

"Oh yes please, orange juice. I suppose I could do with the vitamins. I bet my doc would be proud of me for that choice." He tried to keep the conversation light for now.

 

She handed him a glass with the orange liquid, the color bringing a twinge to her face after her earlier dreams, and sat down on the other end of the couch. "I guess your Doctor is Levy now, for the best, my bedside manner is dismal according to some."

 

"Actually it's Doctor Socom, I was told I'm pregnant, too. And your bedside manners are just something people have to get used to." He noticed her being... well, he didn't quite know what she was, but she definitely wasn’t being herself. He didn't want to pry though.

 

Lexia had made a decision. She was going to tell him, everything. Part of her said it was because he would not leave her alone otherwise and part of her said it was just time. That decision made her stomach knot; it made her mind whirl, and it made her sick. She had carefully crafted her shield and wore it proudly around her; how the hell had this junior science officer cracked it? She took a sip. "Pregnant? It is not mine," she said dryly, bit with a smirk, if only a little one. The action felt odd to her lips, it had been a long time.

 

The irony of the situation was not lost on her; ten minutes ago she was screaming in terror, and now she was smirking from a snide comment. It is time for this to stop she told herself silently, at least with him. Aidan had stuck around, no matter how bitchy she had gotten or how bad she had treated him. He deserved the truth.

 

He was taken aback a bit by her comment; her sense of humor surprised him although it was quiet refreshing. "Ah, admit it, you wish it were." He made sure his voice conveyed that this wasn't meant to tease her but merely a harmless joke.

 

She stood, Lexia had always been to the point and direct, now was no time for exceptions. "This is your first posting, correct?" She walked to the viewport and stared out.

 

"Well, I was briefly assigned to Jupiter Station, although it had always been clear that it was a temporary thing, so pretty much, yes. I'm only 22 and I only have this one life time." He frowned as he had no idea where she was going with this.

 

"Are you aware this is not my first posting?" she turned, her bluntness surprising even her a bit.

 

"I figured, as you're a joined Trill. That's why I said relaxing must be harder for you than it could ever be for me, memories of lifetimes instead of just 22 years." He hoped he wasn't going too far and he watched her intently still wondering what this was about.

 

"No, I meant this lifetime, not the others." She took a sip of her tea. She looked at him "This was not Lexia's first posting." Tordai rarely spoke of her current form in the third person, but it made the point clearer.

 

Aidan nodded, he understood. "Okay, so in the 25 years as Lexia Tordai this isn't your first posting. I'm sorry, but I'm confused as to what you're trying to tell me. I'm not meaning to cut you off, this is just... well... very much unlike you." He felt that she was inwardly struggling and trying to get something out.

 

"I was a member of the Gideon's crew." Lexia turned back away from him and back to the stars. She wanted to continue, but the words just would not come, so she stood silent for a moment.

 

Aidan felt the way he did back in the closet with her, very helpless, he would have liked to comfort her in some way but he didn't know how and he also didn't want to cross any lines. "Doc... I mean... Lexia..." That was all he managed to say, he was at a loss for words not being sure what she wanted to hear or if, indeed, she wanted to hear anything.

 

Help me, doc...please, the plea rang through Lexia's mind and the tears returned.

 

She caught herself and quickly wiped the tears away. "Have you ever lost anyone close to you, Aidan?"

 

Slowly he shook his head. "My father is a marine, he was MIA for a couple of weeks once. My grandfather died, but I hardly ever saw him anyway what with my Dad being stationed all over the Galaxy and them being back on Earth. So, no, I haven't." Aidan got up and walked over to her, he hoped he wouldn't be going too far, but he helped he had to do something. He couldn't even begin to understand how she must be feeling, especially having bottled up these emotions for so long. Gently he placed a hand on her shoulder.

 

She felt the warmth of his hand, but did not turn. Neither did she remove his hand; she just stood there and continued talking. "I had not been on board for a terribly long time. However the Gideon was a tight knit ship," she turned to look at him, "Only a handful survived, most of those who did, I barely knew." She opened her mouth to continue, but her voice caught. "I swore....I swore to help them, to heal them...."

 

He stood across from her. His hand still on her shoulder he looked into her eyes. "You're a Doctor Lexia, and I'm sure you did all you could, but you're no superhero. I know there's nothing anybody in the Galaxy could say to take all the pain away from you, but it wasn't your fault, you saved as many as you could."

 

She looked at him. "It was not enough, it can never be enough." She turned from him, slinging his hand off her shoulder and walking to the table. She leaned against it, her mind shuffling through the haunted memories to continue her story. "I lost everything that was dear to me like that," she made a snapping sound with her fingers. "Do you realize..." She stopped herself and took a quick breath.

 

"Do I realize what?" Now she had started talking about things Aidan wanted her to keep going instead of bottling things up again.

 

"The Gideon crew is dead. How long until the same can be said of the Agincourt crew?" she took a quick breath, hunting for the words, "we could lose half the crew in one battle. You could die, I could die...." she trailed off, her point made.

 

Sitting back down Aidan sighed. "Yes, we all could die, but I would like to live some before I die. I mean, you can go ahead and hide behind that wall of yours or you can enjoy the few days or weeks or months we still have left. And I know that hiding won't make anything better if the Agincourt got destroyed and you survived, it would still hurt and you'd still feel guilty. We're all stuck here together, we're family, sort of."

 

His words sank deep into her mind, cooling the river of fire that had begun to stir again; the tranq was wearing off and she was starting to put up her shield again. "I will not let myself hurt like that again," leaning back against the table she sighed.

 

Aidan got up again and looked at her. "Well Doctor Tordai, if that's how you think you've already lost. I understand that this must be difficult for you but it's time to let go and stop depriving yourself of things because of "if's". If that's your argument then why would anybody risk a relationship of any kind?" He slowly walked over to the door and he didn't expect her to stop him.

 

"Aidan"

 

Surprised he turned around. "Yes?"

 

She sat back down on the couch, slowly. "Please...." It had been a long time since Lexia admitted this to anyone. It had been a long time since she had even considered the words. She had spent her entire time on Agincourt trying to cultivate an air of exactly the opposite. She had spent much time trying to distance herself…

 

She looked up at him, tears streaking her cheeks. "I do not want to be alone."

 

Stunned Aidan stood rooted to the spot and looked at her, he thought he must not have understood the words correctly. After a couple of seconds however, he went back to the sofa and sat down next to her, careful to giver her enough space without trying to seem too distant. "You're not alone, you never were."