Kitty Listing

[Kansas_Jones 0]

I found this listing (and others) http://www.badpets.net/BadPets/BadKitty.html. After I almost busted a gut, I wanted to share. I must say - it's given my alter ego some ideas - anyone for lets Hunt the Mouse on the Agincourt Bridge? :-P

 

-A record player is not a fun ride.

-Cats do not come with brakes. (Neither do dogs, actually.)

-Curtains are not for climbing. If I forget, I must be careful not to snag my collar on a hook and almost hang myself.

-Demolition Derby is NOT a cat-oriented pastime.

-I acknowledge that my humans don't have the patience to play fetch non stop with me and I promise to stop clawing at them and/ or crying pathetically when they won't play. (Yes, he IS a cat.)

-I am a black cat who is functionally invisible when my eyes are closed. My humans are not being mean to keep me in at night. They are tired of complaints from neighbors when I play my favorite game of jumping out from behind bushes with a yowl and flashing my green eyes and pink tongue at unsuspecting passersby.

-I am not a ferocious panther.

-I do not need to climb into EVERY box in the household.

-I will hide behind the bench and scare my human when she comes outside.

-I will keep my claws sheathed when playing "covers" with my human's toes.

-I will not ask my human to throw metal coat hangers for me to chase.

-I will not attack the mat in the kitchen.

-I will not bat at and try to play with my human's bras as they are hanging up air-drying! (Can't you tell he is a boy!)

-I will not climb the wallpaper in my human's new house.

-I will not drag my human's knitting around the house, unravelling it in the process.

-I will not force any available human to throw the mousie for me to fetch until their arms hurt. Our medical insurance doesn't cover "mousie elbow".

-I will not go ripping across the couch with my eyes glowing (reflection), and a mischievous look on my face.

-I will not hide behind the shower curtain so I can scare the other cat, then jump out of the bath after him and run down the stairs at full speed, jump on the refrigerator, in the cupboard and then jump down in a flash and run right back upstairs to hide behind the curtain again so I can repeat the chase three or four times in a row.

-I will not hide in the kitchen drawers and jump out at my human.

-I will not interrupt my human when she is busy by bringing her my favourite ball to play fetch and when she throws it, bring it back and drop it just out of her reach, so she has to move. And I will not initiate playing a game with my humans and then walk off bored.

-I will not jump onto the [aaa] to knock over the [bbb] or I will be [ccc] (if they can ever catch me, that is). aaa - fireplace mantel, counter top, window box, entertainment center; bbb - wedding album, vases, dishes, house plant, curios; ccc - scolded, locked in the basement, (shot, punted, terrorized)* *(These are jokes! I only THINK of doing these things. God, how I think of these!

-I will not leave the plastic rings from milk carton jugs in my humans' bed, then insist that they play fetch with them in the middle of the night.

-I will not lie on my back on the middle stair, all claws in the ready, so that no dog can go up or down the stairs without barking and whining for a human to remove me. (A favourite game of Squeak, our black and white female)

-I will not lurk under the bed and pounce on the unsuspecting human's feet when s/he is getting in or out of bed.

-I will not make sounds like I'm trying to kill my brother, or that he is killing me, when we are playing. This alarms my male human who has to ask the female human if we're fighting. She has already told him to look at our fur and if it's not puffed that we are just playing but he doesn't understand.

-I will not meow at the top of my lungs as if something horrible is wrong, wait for my human to come outside after me, and then chase her while alternately rubbing and biting her legs.

-I will not play "Charge of the Light Brigade" with the other cat in the hallway at 3 a.m.

-I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

-I will not play "find the mouse" on the bed at midnight.

-I will not play "Hunt the ribbon" when my human is attempting to pray from the breviary.

[DaryusZaphodDracal 0]

^_^ :lol: Funny list Kansas, and very true. Thanks for the laugh. :P :lol:

 

Daryus,

 

"I meow meow meow, and I meow meow meow."

Edited June 5, 2007 by DaryusZaphodDracal

[Kansas_Jones 0]

--- I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist: ---

 

- baby; belt; blue jays outside; fringe on the bathroom rug; fuzzy toilet seat; house plant;

- human's toes; human; my human's boyfriend's little sister, who was just trying to be friendly;

- my human's shoelaces; poodle in the house; teddy bear; the bag of Dove chocolates; the dog;

- the guys who come over to play D&D, who were just trying to be friendly; the hair dryer; the other cat;

- the very lifelike big Beanie Baby cat; the weight bracelets;

 

 

(Enjoy. The Dungeons and Dragons one just totally set me off laughing - so true)

 

>^..^<

[Aidan Driscol 0]

-I will not drag my human's knitting around the house, unravelling it in the process.

 

Now that one should be fun to play on the 'Court's bridge. I'm sure the Colonels would love it, some quality Csci and Csec bonding.

[Kansas_Jones 0]

Now that one should be fun to play on the 'Court's bridge. I'm sure the Colonels would love it, some quality Csci and Csec bonding.

 

Now thats an idea!

[Col. C.E. Harper 0]

Now thats an idea!

 

In a word: No.

[Dumbass 0]

--- I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist: ---

 

Trekkie Monster: "The Internet is for porn. the Internet is for porn..."

[Arch Angel 0]

Just pleased it is kitty listings...as opposed to littering... :)

[ENS Mark Fish 0]

Here is a funny email I got from one of my friends

(there were a few things I had to edit)

 

 

 

How To Give Cats and Dogs A Pill

 

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding

a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's

mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right

hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth

and swallow.

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left

arm and repeat process.

 

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

 

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear

paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of

mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call

spouse from garden.

 

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and

rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head

firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill

down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make

note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered

figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just

visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force

mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to

take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood

from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another

beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head

showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat

with elastic band.

 

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.

Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold

compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply

whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw

tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid

cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

13. Tie the little munant's front paws to rear paws with garden twine

and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves

from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.

Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down

throat to wash pill down.

 

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the

emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm

and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way

home to order new table.

 

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect munant cat from hell and call local pet

shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

How To Give A Dog A Pill

 

1. Wrap it in bacon.

 

2. Toss it in the air.

[eagle 0]

Excellent material Cdt.Fish... LOL ...with a way of humor you possess you just might

appreciate the "federation chili contest' ,it is in the boards archives.... LOL

:)

[ENS Mark Fish 0]

Thanks I got it yesterday it really changes the humor if I didnt have to edit it but the curse word I wasent sure how well that would go over with the GM's

[Kansas_Jones 0]

I have seen the "Cat Pill" instructions before - very cute, and very true if anyone has a pet cat. The two step insert pill in bacon and toss in the air for a dog is hysterical.

 

Lefty and Shaow would be cool with pill taking, but I'll keep the instructions as mental reference in case anyone tries to give a pill or a shot or something to Kansas. Bedlam on the 'Court anyone?

:-D

 

Cute stuff.

[LadyHitchhiker 0]

Alright, so I have two insane furry babies who are cats named Linus and Mandarin, and I have some additions for your adorable list that may make you laugh.

 

"I will not steal q-tips from the garbage and play with them for hours on end"?

 

"I will not walk across the hangers in the human's closet."

 

"I will not steal socks out of the hamper."

 

"I will begin to treat mom as more than just a piece of furniture that dispenses food"

 

"I will not hide under the couch whenever company comes over"

 

"I will not be rotten just so that I can go for a car-ride." (Yes, he loves carrides).

 

"I will not hiss at the veterinarian"

 

"I will not sleep in the dirty clothes in the laundry basket"

 

"I will not steal my brother's food."

 

"I will not walk across doorframes in the middle of the night."

 

"I will not beg to go outside so I can go to the other aparment and talk to the drunk guy that lives there. I understand that my mother feels that he isn't any good for me, and I must respect her wishes."

 

"I will not throw my brother out the window this year."

 

"I will learn that just because the door is closed does not mean that I have to be in that room. I suppose my humans can go to the bathroom by themselves without my assistance."

 

"I will not jump onto the top ledge of the shower and watch my humans bathe."

 

"I will not chew off the bottom of any more pieces of furniture because they make tantalizing places to hide once that piece of fabric is gone"

 

"Just because my brother is interested in something does not mean that I have to have it."

 

"I will begin to learn to share my toys"

 

 

As for how to deliver pills to dogs, my family has always used marshmallows and/or cheese :lol:

 

Alright.. that's all I have for now.