Oil Change Instructions

[Dumbass 0]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

 

1 ) Pull into your nearest "15 Minute Oil Change" when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2 ) Drink a cup of coffee

3 ) 15 minutes later, pay and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

 

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20.00

Coffee: $1.00 (sometimes free)

Total: $21.00

 

Oil Change instructions for Men :

 

1 ) Wait until Saturday

2 ) Drive to auto parts store

3 ) Buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree for $50.00.

4 ) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer for $20

5 ) Drive home.

6 ) Open a beer

7 ) Drink it.

8 ) Jack car up.

9 ) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

10 ) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

11 ) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

12 ) Place drain pan under engine.

13 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

14 ) Give up and use crescent wrench.

15 ) Unscrew drain plug.

16 ) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil

17 ) Splash hot oil on you in process.

18 ) Cuss.

19 ) Crawl out from under car

20 ) Wipe hot oil off of face and arms.

21 ) Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

22 ) Have another beer

23 ) Watch oil drain.

24 ) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

25 ) Give up

26 ) Crawl under car

27 ) Hammer a screwdriver through oil filter

28 ) Twist off.

29 ) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes.

30 ) Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.

31 ) Drink a beer.

32 ) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

33 ) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

34 ) Remember drain plug from step 16.

35 ) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

36 ) Drink beer.

37 ) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

38 ) Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

39 ) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.

40 ) Drink beer.

41 ) Crawl under car

42 ) Get kitty litter into eyes.

43 ) Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.

44 ) Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug

45 ) Bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

46 ) Begin cussing fit.

47 ) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

48 ) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

49 ) Beer.

50 ) Clean up hands

51 ) Bandage as required to stop blood flow.

52 ) Beer.

53 ) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

54 ) Beer.

55 ) Lower car from jack stands.

56 ) Move car back

57 ) Apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

58 ) Beer.

59 ) Test drive car.

60 ) Get pulled over

61 ) Get arrested for driving under the influence.

62 ) Car gets impounded.

63 ) Call loving wife

64 ) Make bail.

65 ) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

 

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $20.00

Total: $4,145.00

 

But at least you know it was done right.

[DaryusZaphodDracal 0]

^_^ :lol: Sounds like my little brother. Thanks for the laugh Vanroy. :P :lol:

 

Laterz,

Daryus

 

"Milk, don't you have any bourbon?"

[Coach Pratt 0]

It's just a little easier for motorcycles. less oil.

[eagle 0]

:) :) Excellent most excellent :) :)

[Greg Nirvana 0]

Beer FTW!

 

I have instructions:

How to eat eclair:

 

Women:

 

1. Go up to guy in bakery

2. Take out credit card

3. order eclair in sexy voice

4. Get eclair, and a free coffee on the house

5. Swipe credit card, costing like 5 dollars

6. Eat eclair while sitting at table and sipping cofee

 

Total costs:

Eclair: 5.00$

Coffee:Free

Total Cost:5.00$

Time wasted: 5 minutes

 

Men:

 

1. Go to fancy restaurant on special occasion with yelling wife.

2. Wait 2 hours for a table

3. Sit down and start staring at the 3 foot long hoagie somebodies eating in front of you

4. drool

5. look at menu

6. order some sort of halibut in some sort of etc. sauce or something and other

7. wait around 1 hour for the food to come

8. eat food.

9. finish food

10. Get a mai tai from the liquor menu

11. Get totally wasted

12. Wait 1 hour for your wife to eat.

13. Order dessert(eclair)

14. wait 30 minutes

15. take first bite

16. tell wife to shut up while shes nagging about sharing the food

17. mai tai

18. bite

19. nagging wife

20. bite

21. mai tai

22. nagging wife

23. last bite

24. mai tai

25. Throw wifes cake at her for not shutting up

26. ask for bill

27. Notice the fact that you brought no money

28. ask for wife for credit card

29. yell at wife for not bringin card

30. look at bill

31. talk to manager about you lack of money

32. Get put in jail for 2 days.

 

Total Cost:

Eclair: 20.00$ cuz its fancy

Cake your wife is eating: 40.00$

Halibut:80.00$

Whatever the hellz your wife is eating: 60-70.00$

Total Time Wasted: Roughly 2 1/2 days

 

Life sucks.

Edited July 25, 2007 by Greg Nirvana

[Pneuma 0]

Funny on both of those, Just curious Greg and DA, These wouldn't be based on personal experience now would they?

[Greg Nirvana 0]

Funny on both of those, Just curious Greg and DA, These wouldn't be based on personal experience now would they?

 

For me, kind of. My dad is obsessed with eclairs and my mom never really lets him eat them unless they go to a fancy european restaurant or something. The mai tai was the only liquor that came to mind when i was making this(I had watched coneheads just earlier). The halibut and sharing nagging thing came from a comedy central presents special. :)

[Dumbass 0]

Somewhat based on truth. My dad is a hopeless "do-it-yourself"er and doesn't realise it is sometimes more economical to let someone else do something for you. An accountant might be better at painting a house than someone who does it for a living, but while he is painting he isn't doing accounting work that pays a lot more. That sort of thing.

 

Anyway, we decided to change our oils on the same day. I got to his house after he had already started. After he chewed me out for being late I decided to go to JiffyLube. About an hour later I was done, he was still working on his, so I went to the beach and left him to his day-long task.