The Choice

[Cdr Rian Kwai 0]

Choice

Admiral BluRox and Cdr Kwai

 

Bringing up the files on her desk computer that she wanted to share with Rian, she senses the woman's unease from across the room. "Am I such a monster, that you can't relax around me Rian? It seems like half the ship is always on edge around me." Shaking her head and exhaling with frustration, she downloads the files onto a padd so Rian could look at them, while sitting on the more comfortable couch.

 

Rian exhaled deeply, pressing her finger tips into the back of her scalp to massage her now aching head. Shame gave way to guilt for the Trill as she thought about Errrika’s comments as they’d entered the room. She’d never meant for anyone to feel responsible for her, let alone when she let her problems get the best of her. “It’s not that Admi—“ Rian stopped herself and took another deep breath. “I’m sorry, Blu, but when I came in here I expected to be reprimanded, not hugged. You just caught me off guard, that’s all.”

 

Sighing, Errrika held the padd out to Rian to take, "I have to be honest with you. If I had to do this all over again, I not sure I'd have joined Starfleet, I'd have listened to Thom, and have settled down back on Cait and raised a family with him. Who knows, perhaps he'd still be alive if I had. He had never wanted to join the military, just stay at home, but after I left and enlisted in the planetary forces, and the rest is in those files. He was never the same after that incident with Torrar and the Orions, and when I left that second time, he shut himself away from me, and went out to help fight the heroic battle.” Dropping down on the other end of the couch, Blu looked out the window across the room and in a quiet voice, "and now he's dead, because I did not set aside my selfish wishes, and stayed with him."

 

Hesitating, Rian had taken the padd from Blu, but had only pretended to scan it as she listened to her speak. It at least gave her something to do with her hands and eyes when her voice failed her for a few moments. “I’m so sorry for your loss, ma’am.”

 

Turning back towards the woman on the other end of the couch, "Rian, I've told you before, that you could come talk to me about that anytime you needed too. I know, I know, locked in a box you could not. But that's long term scarring that the doctor reported. You've been scratching at your arms again.”

 

“Honest, it’s not that bad.” The Trill protested.

 

"Bull! No, no...don't deny it Rian" waggling a finger at her. "It's for the best that you get this out, and tell me what is bothering you so much. I feel responsible as it is, from what happened to you on that mission, and what it's done to you since. I should have seen that you had the proper counseling afterwards, and not let you just tell me you were ok. That you were able to tough your way though it.”

 

“What is it you want me to tell you? We’ve talked about this before. And you’ve seen the reports. Nothing’s changed. What more do you want from me?”

 

"Yes, we've spoken a little on it before, but I think you need to talk it out more. I hate to say it this, it's probably the first time I've wished I had a counselor on the ship since...” Errrika stopped and stared at the padd in Rian’s hands.

 

“Well, we don’t have one. So what now?“ Kwai snapped with a little more venom and bitterness that she’d intended.

 

Blu paused a moment, a little taken aback by Rian's tone, then continued, “Either we sit and talk, a bit each day. Or we do have one that has served as a counselor before,..however, I question the stability of that one as well. Holly once served as our counselor,”

 

“Holly? Joined gods no.”

 

“I'm not sure I want to subject you to her. I sort of remember her wrapping you up in flypaper one night. No. I think Holly would be a poor choice. So, that leaves you with me. Your choice. You talk with me, or you talk with Holly.”

 

Rian sat there looking at Blu, a bit stunned herself.

 

“Rian, I'll tell you what, I'll be fair with you, and let you take that padd with you, you're one of the very few I'd trust with that information, and hope that you'll delete it as soon as you've read it. But if I'm going to expect you to tell me what's bothering you, well......I feel I should be fair, share my dark secrets with you as well, cause.....honestly, there are days I wish I had someone to talk to as well. And for the record, Holly didn't help me with it either. Anyway, take a look, and we'll talk tomorrow. Ok?"