Waiting for You

[Tachyon 0]

“Waiting for You”

July 29, 2156

A Joint Log by Lieutenants Dave Grey and Jas McCellan

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Jas found Grey sitting in the science lab, alone and liking it that way. He was tending to experiments and listening to light music when he looked up, hearing the door open. "George?" he asked, wondering if that crewman upon whose toes he continuously trod had returned.

 

"Not George, Jas. What are you doing?" she asked as she entered, carrying a rather large bundle of paperwork.

 

Grey paused in his work and turned to look at her, brushing some hair out of his eyes. "Oh, nothing. Just some things I needed to uh . . . catch up on. What are—what are you doing?"

 

Jas looked around, although it was the same unchanging sight that she had seen many a time before. "I appear to be in a room. With lights." Her tone was almost, but not quite, sardonic.

 

"They weren't here a moment ago," interrupted Grey.

 

Then her expression changed, as did her voice. "I mean. Erm... do you... are you ... busy?"

 

"Yes," he said and went back to working.

 

Jas laughed nervously. "Well, you've been working too hard. You need to relax. Lets go down to the planet. They may have long range communication ..." she trailed off when she realised that Grey was ignoring her.

 

Grey continued puttering about the lab as if she was not there. He walked past her several times until he finally said, offhandedly, "I am rather busy. Perhaps . . . another time. You go have fun."

 

Jas opened her mouth and then closed it, trying to think of what to say to persuade him. A console near her beeped, first with tenuous outreach, and then with a more insistent attitude. Grey, who was occupied by a glowing scanner to his right, asked, "Could you handle that?" Jas nodded silently and pokes the console, wondering what it was. The console suddenly went blank, then displayed an "analysis complete, routing to storage" message.

 

It seemed satisfied. Grey, on the other hand, was not. The way his feet shuffled along the deck plating in a restless manner belied his relaxed posture and calm tone. Jas stared at the console, at a loss for words. "What ... what's wrong?"

 

"Oh, I don't know, where to begin? How 'bout my sister dying? The fact that my entire life has become some sort of arena for my guilt? I'm not alive, anymore, Jas. All I do is mope. What sort of life is that?"

 

Jas looked down at her feet. "I'm sorry... but ... I'd thought if they have communication ... we could contact Earth ... maybe there is development on a cure ... I ... "

 

"And do what? I can't do anything. She's going to die anyway, so why should I cling to her so much? I might as well just shut myself away right now . . ."

 

Rubbing her eyes, she thought of the Dave Grey she first met, the very first time. She wondered if she will ever see that person again. She looked up at the person in front of her. "I'm sorry... " She turned to go.

 

Grey stood there, shocked into silence, and watched her leave. He was wrestling with his demons, struggling to articulate everything he wanted to say. And in the struggle he was forgetting to say the most basic things of all. He wanted to scream, to shout, to finally rid himself of the terrible burden that was his guilt. But he couldn't. It wouldn't be fair. So it remained within him, gnawing at him day in and day out, a creature that fed on his innermost doubts until he was just the hollow shell of the human he had once been. After guilt would come grief, and with grief came despair and depression and a descent into other, baser emotions. Darker days than this one were ahead.

 

"Jas, wait," he said. "That was unfair of me . . . that was . . . that was stupid." He could feel the colour rising in his cheeks as he said this, but pressed on. "Er, I've just been under a lot of stress lately. And I'm just at the point where I want it to end. It's gone on long enough, you know?"

 

Jas stopped and turned her head. "I'm sorry ... I thought ... I'd understand how you felt. But ... stress ... I never thought ..." She looked down again. "You seem so calm ... I had a feeling you're under a lot of stress."

 

"Stop apologising—you have nothing to apologise for! I'm the one being the idiot. Although, you must admit," he said in a lighter tone, "I have a pretty good excuse."

 

"I ... I am sorry for not being able to save her ... You have the right to be worried ... she's a person close to your heart ..." Jas thought for a moment. "There's nothing wrong with it. I don't want you to bare all the pain alone though."

 

The oppressive walls closed in around them. Strange, Grey had never really thought of them as oppressive until now. But when he stood across from Jas, they felt claustrophobic, threatening to squeeze the air out of both their lungs.

 

"Sauria, you say?"

 

Jas nodded. "Yeah..."

 

Grey ran a hand through his hair, sighing, and the he stood up and started turning off consoles. "I don't drink," he reminded her, "and we aren't phoning home." Then his voice softened. "But . . . maybe I do need a break. And some time with friends."

 

Jas nodded. "Gotcha, no drinks and no phone..." She smiled lightly, wondering what whilrlwind storm of emotions is hiding behind this temporary victory over stress. "Let's go, I heard T'Parek is handling the application work."

 

They headed for the door and then Jas stopped. “Oh, I almost forgot. Here, carry this, will you?” She dumped the entire stack of paperwork into Grey's arms.

 

Surprised, Grey raised his eyebrows and asked, “What's this for?”

 

“To make you look less conspicuous!” she said with a grin. “Oh, and uh, because I need someone to . . . it was getting heavy.”

 

They left the lab, both a little lighter in different ways, and trudged toward the launch bay in silence. Grey broke that silence. "Oh . . . and Jas?"

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Thanks."