Finding Balance

[DrDMatthews 0]

Debbie Matthews was in a decidedly better mood as she stepped off the turbolift onto Deck 19. She automatically turned right toward Sickbay but hesitated a moment later as she remembered a conversation cut short by the just completed senior staff meeting. Abruptly turning around, she headed down the corridor in the opposite direction stopping in front of a cubbyhole of an office with a new nameplate tacked to the door.

 

The CMO frowned both from displeasure and embarrassment. No one should be forced to work in a closet sized office, especially a psychiatrist who was sure to have plenty of business. She'd spoken to Dr. Curtis shortly before the staff meeting and promised to look into finding her a more appropriate venue. The meeting had just ended. Debbie hadn't had time to make the necessary inquiries but she still thought it best to stop by and let the Doctor know what was going on. After all, their sudden change in orders would have a direct bearing on the crew's mental health....or at least a good portion of the crew.

 

For the second time that day, Deb rang the chime and waited for Caroline Curtis to respond.

 

Curtis was starting to get used to that door-chime (slightly different in timbre from a station side one), as it had been ringing at more or less regular intervals since she had come aboard a few days before. This crew had taken quite the psychological beating, and while it was a pleasure to know that she was perhaps of some use to them in recovering from it and moving on, it had certainly shown every sign of keeping her busy for some time, not that it bothered her in the slightest.

 

"Come in!" she called, turning her chair slightly to face the doorway and putting down the PADD she had been looking at.

 

Debbie entered with a grin but stayed close to the door. She again looked around the cramped office and the grin turned into a slight frown. "Haven't had a chance to look into finding another office but I do have good news." She smiled brightly. "We're not going to patrol the Romulan Neutral Zone after all. We're heading in the opposite direction....the Cestus System to be exact." The CMO allowed the door to take her weight as she leaned against it. "I can't begin to tell you what a relief that is."

 

Curtis's face opened in a smile as well. "No need to hide by the door, Doctor," she said cheerfully. "Feel free to have a seat." As she had before, she gestured that Matthews should make herself comfortable in one of the chairs in the room; the office may have been small but Caroline had done her best to make it feel somewhat relaxing and welcoming. "And I'm glad to hear that as well -- it's been a recurring bit of trepidation in the stories I've been hearing. No doubt the news will brighten everyone's moods."

 

"Please call me Debbie or Deb," replied the CMO, glancing furtively at the chairs placed in front of Caroline's desk. She felt a strong urge to take advantage of the psychiatrist's offer...to sit down...and talk to a trained specialist about the consequences of the ship's last mission. But she was also reluctant to divulge her innermost thoughts and feelings on the subject. She'd touched on them with Aidan but he played an integral role in her discomfiture. She feared she was rejecting his advice and counsel simply because he was too close to the situation. It wasn't his fault. He was doing all he could but she was still riddled with doubt.

 

Debbie shrugged her shoulders slightly as she made an instantaneous decision to spend a few moments chatting with Dr. Curtis. "I can't stay long," she declared as she took the two or three steps required to move from the door to the chairs in front of the desk. "I need to get back to Sickbay and brief my staff." The CMO settled into one of the chairs and offered a wary smile to the woman sitting across from her. "I was really concerned about taking this crew back to the neutral zone. I'm impressed that Captain McQueen figured out we're not ready for that. It appears his years as the CO of the Marie Curie gave him some insight into the mental state of his personnel."

 

"The captains of medical ships often have a slightly different perspective on their crews than other command officers, I think," Caroline nodded agreeably, watching as Debbie maneuvered herself into the chair with a certain amount of understandable reluctance. It wasn't often, unfortunately, that people came bounding into a psychiatrist's office eager to talk and relax, even if the conversation was still ostensibly a value-neutral one, and Caroline found it hard to believe that the CMO didn't have as much -- if not more -- to talk about as the other members of the crew. "And no doubt he would prefer not to be assigned a situation where there was a chance of his crew suffering post-traumatic reactions, if he could avoid it."

 

She let herself relax back into the back of her own chair and eyed Debbie with a faint smile. "As, I would imagine, would you. I'm sure being in a position of authority -- particularly of medical authority -- while still having gone through the experience yourself cannot be the most easy balance to maintain."

 

 

Balance, thought Deb silently. I'm not sure what that is anymore. "You're right," answered the CMO calmly. "One tends to put the needs of the many before the needs of the few...or the one." She smiled sadly. "Unfortunately, in this particular situation, there are so many in need....well.....let's just say the task has been a bit overwhelming." She smiled warmly. "That's why I'm glad you're here. And I'm grateful Starfleet went along with the Captain's request for revised orders."

 

"As am I -- I would have been very disappointed if I'd had to leave, having seen the situation," Caroline replied. Her expression showed some sympathy for Debbie's comment that she felt overwhelmed, and also an air of concern, though she took care not to convey it condescendingly or put the other woman on the defensive. "How have you been doing outside of the demands of your duties? Have you been able to take any time to relax and recover yourself? I hope you were at least able to grab some recuperative time during your leave."

 

Debbie had to smile. The psychiatrist's question was a subtle attempt to draw the CMO into discussing her own ability, or lack thereof, to handle the trauma of their recent mission. As uncomfortable as she felt about it, an inner voice kept whispering a quiet warning that she should lead by example. Deb was well aware how traumatized most of the crew was following their excursion into the neutral zone. She was instrumental in bringing Dr. Curtis to the Reaent so Caroline could assist the crew. Yet, she needed help as badly as everyone else did. Why was she so squeamish about opening up?

 

"There hasn't been a lot of time," she replied cautiously. "The Captain's sudden removal didn't help any either. We....or at least I seem to have bounced from one crisis to another." She smiled tentatively and shook her head a couple of time. "I've been questioning reality....and that's never happened before. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and find this is all a dream. So I'm dealing with it....one moment at a time."

 

Caroline nodded slowly. Debbie's description of her level of activity suggested that she had either not been allowed the ability to sit down and really ascertain her own condition, or she had been deliberately finding ways to avoid doing so. The latter was a definite possibility; there was a cautiousness to the CMO's tone that Caroline could pick up easily, and so she was careful in her phrasing as she tried to draw the other woman out. "That's the best way to deal with it -- the only way, really; it shows wisdom on your part not to be seeking an instant cure-all. You're not the first person aboard who has expressed that sort of uncertainty to me, either," she said, recollecting the conversation she had had with the Reaent's chief of security a little while before, "and it's a completely reasonable one. You have experienced the worst-case scenario and been allowed to retreat from it -- not a situation most of us are really programmed to understand or know how to accept."

 

She paused. "Are there any specific aspects of your...current reality which you find it hard to accept or is it a more general discomfort?" Something of an open-ended question and intended more as a conversational wedge to give Debbie a leaping-off point rather than for a specific factual answer. She hooked one leg over the other and leaned back in her seat, lacing her hands around her knee and looking at the other doctor pleasantly.

 

"I've never thought of it in those terms before," replied Debbie reservedly. "There is general discomfort but I'm pretty sure the root cause of my unease is the threat of losing my husband." She breathed deeply before continuing. "He was killed when the Reaent was destroyed. Losing him was and remains my greatest fear." Deb smiled dubiously. "But, a few minutes later, he was back.....alive and well."

 

Her demeanor morphed into one of mild puzzlement. "My reaction to all of this doesn't make sense to me. Aidan was killed but there was so much going on, I really didn't have time to think about it....too busy worrying about the Romulans and what they were going to do next." Deb shook her head slightly and glanced around the room. "It wasn't until after we were rescued by the....second Reaent that I was able to grieve for him. But, by then, he was back....alive and well." She met Dr. Curtis' gaze with a rueful smile. "There was no reason to grieve."

 

Caroline nodded again. More echoes of the chief of security; it didn't surprise her that both women's concerns had centered around their husbands. Reaent was somewhat unique in that it had not one but two so-far successful marriages among the upper-level command staff, and this could be both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it provided the officers a stability and certainty of situation which was often denied to Starfleet officers, but on the other hand, when things went bad, they found themselves under a double weight of concern where most officers had only to fear for themselves. "Our brains can only follow so many tracks at once, and the impulse to grieve for what we've lost is a strong one. During periods of loss, I generally don't recommend that people try to force themselves or others to hurry themselves through the process of grieving and frankly I don't do so now either. You are grieving for something that, from a certain perspective, never happened, of course, but it doesn't make the feelings any less real and you should not try to deny them. They will pass, as any other grief does...with time." She caught Debbie's gaze, reading the confusion and uncertainty there. "Have you been able to talk to your husband about what you went through? About what you are feeling now?"

 

The CMO smiled plaintively for a long moment before deciding how to answer the question. She was hesitant to drag Aidan into all of this but she couldn't find a way around it. "Yeah," she finally replied with a sigh. "I didn't go into great detail but I didn't have to." She slumped down into the chair and frowned. "He's the XO. He has access to all of the logs and the crew reports." She shook her head sadly. "He hasn't mentioned it, but I'm sure he's read all of the gory details."

 

Closing her eyes for a moment, she recalled a couple of her conversations with her husband. She had no doubt he knew more than he was letting on. "He's been very supportive but he's also been quite busy. I'm hoping we'll both have more quiet time together now that the ship is finally underway....and we're not going back to the Romulan Neutral Zone."

 

Straightening her back, she leaned forward in the chair slightly. "I'm really grateful I have someone to lean on. My big concern is for those who don't. Commander Ridire and I are married and we're very close. But it's difficult for him to understand something this....peculiar. Heck, I can't understand it and I'm the one who went through it. What about the others....the ones who have no close friends or a loved one to lean on? What are they going to do?"

 

Caroline smiled. "That's what I'm here for, and the fact that a number of your crew went through this experience is also in some ways a hidden blessing. None of them need feel alone, since there are others around them who can understand what they went through -- perhaps even better than I or a loved one could. With your permission I'd like to set up more of the group sessions like the one for which you first brought me aboard; the idea was good, though it was curtailed at the time." Her tone was confident, a confidence which belied the amount of work she knew lay ahead of them, but she wanted to relieve the doctor of as much as possible of the admirable weight of concern she had shouldered. "We can be sure that there is a support system in place for anyone who might need it."

 

Debbie nodded her approval. "By all means, continue the support groups. They provide the perfect setting for the escape pod survivors to open up. Even if they don't care to talk about their feelings, at least they'll know they aren't alone."

 

Caroline paused long enough to allow for a regression back to the slightly earlier topic, then added, "And I'm glad to hear that your communication with your husband still feels open; I think you should do your best to ensure that you *do* have some more quiet time together, as soon as is practical. If he is at the center of your uncertainty as to what is reality and what is not, it is important that you give your mind time to experience and adjust to the 'real thing,' so to speak, as much as possible. It will help the grief for the false reality to start to recede into the background."

 

"So far, he's done a good job of convincing me he's the real thing," answered the CMO with a coy grin. She stood up and smiled at the attractive psychiatrist on the other side of the desk. "I have to get back to work. My staff is anxiously awaiting the latest news on our mission. Thanks so much for your time. It was nice to talk to you." She started toward the door but hesitated and looked back at Caroline. "And I'll do my best to ensure my husband and I have more quiet time together. Although I may be forced to come back to you and ask for a prescription."

 

Caroline chuckled at the expression on Debbie's face as she referenced her husband, but nodded more seriously as the CMO got up and began to leave. "Of course -- don't hesitate to let me know if there's anything either of you need. My door is always open, any hour of the day or night, and that goes for the entire crew."

 

"I'll spread the word," replied Debbie with a sincere smile. "After a few days, you may be the one looking for some quiet time. Again, thanks.....and welcome aboard. We're glad to have you with us."