Brushing Against the Line

[Cmdr Ridire 0]

Deb Matthews peered into the mirror. She'd just spent thirty minutes trying to make herself look presentable. Even after all that makeup, she was not satisfied with the end results. She still looked tired and worn out.

It had been an extraordinary couple of days. The Reaent and her crew had gone hunting for a well organized network of terrorists. The same terrorists who were responsible for the destruction of the USS Cairo and the death of 116 members of her crew. And that was just the beginning. Less than twenty-four hours earlier, the Romulans came calling. Reaent survived because a young ensign sacrificed his life to manually open the fighter bay doors. But the ship was so badly damaged, they were now being towed to a nearby Starbase. And then there were the casualties.......

 

Now, four years after it all began, an additional chapter in this dismal saga was finally drawing to a close. Ten possible terrorists were in the Reaent's brig and fifty-two prisoners were rescued from an old Miranda class starship just moments before it was destroyed. Most were civilians who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fourteen of them were Starfleet personnel who had been kidnapped years earlier. Imposters with perfectly forged personnel records had assumed their identities The laborious task of confirming who they were was proving complicated.

 

All fifty-two had received thorough physicals. Most were suffering from various maladies associated with malnutrition and poor hygiene. In addition, there were quite a few who had been given heavy does of psychoactive drugs. Most of that group had suffered irreparable brain damage ranging from mild to extremely severe. At least two would require long term care at a psychiatric facility.

 

Debbie Matthews felt like she was ready for one of those facilities as well. She couldn't remember when she'd slept last but that didn't bother her too much. She wasn't in a big hurry to close her eyes. She knew there would be nightmares.....just as bad if not worse than the those she endured after the Cairo incident, four long years ago.

 

She continued studying her reflection in the mirror for several seconds. She finished up in Sickbay only an hour ago. Aidan stopped by about three hours prior to that. He wanted her to go with him...somewhere....anywhere....as long as they could be alone together. He thought they needed some private time to deal with these latest tragedies....time to lean on each other and start the healing process...time to step out in faith and start planning for the future. But she wasn't able to leave just then. She told him she would catch up with him later.

 

Deb thought she would be finished in Sickbay long before now. She should have known better. She'd considered going to Aidan's quarters directly from her office but decided she should clean up a little before seeing him. Unfortunately, the shower didn't really refresh her and the makeup did little to hide the dark circles under her eyes.

 

But near exhaustion and dark circles weren't enough to keep her from Aidan...not tonight. She shrugged her shoulders and turned her back on the mirror, wishing she looked a little better but deciding it didn't really matter. Five minutes later, she walked up to his door and rang the chime..

 

He breathes a quiet sigh of relief when he opens the door to discover her standing there. Apparently, things in Sickbay took longer then she expected and while that was understandable, he was starting to feel unbalanced with everything that's been going on. And frankly, he was getting tired of staying in his quarters alone.

 

He tries a smile as he says "Please, come inside." He steps aside to let her in.

 

 

 

She smiled warmly as she entered his quarters, catching his hand in hers as she walked past him. "I'm sorry I'm so late," she said. "I got stuck in the Cargo Bay. A couple of the escort ships are trying to make room for some of those passengers."

 

He lets her pull him a few feet inside before he stops and pulls her gently against him. He smiles and murmurs, "You don't need to apologize. And I'm sure the passengers will be more comfortable having more room to themselves." He brings a hand up and gently runs it along her face and neck, noticing that she looks as exhausted as he feels. His smile slips a bit as he wishes not for the first time that he could just take her away from everything that's gone on. He slips his hand to her waist and guides her to the couch. "Did you want something to drink?"

 

She slowly sat down as Aidan walked toward the kitchen area. "I'll have a tea," she replied, already relaxing a little. She watched him as he ordered their beverages from the replicator. Fifteen minutes ago, she felt miserable. But one hug and a kiss on from Aidan lifted her spirits and . Just being with him made her feel better. She glanced around the room and smiled. She and Aidan had come a long way. She was so comfortable with him...so at ease. She could recall a time when that wasn't the case. But not anymore.

Now, being with him seemed so natural....as though it was meant to be.

 

He returns with the drinks and after handing her tea to her, he sits down beside her. He takes a sip of his tea as he allows himself to relax for what seems like the first time in days. After a few minutes, he glances at her, studying her expression and body language. Finally he murmurs, "I think, speaking for myself at least, that I'm glad that we've apparently shaken our usual habit of seeking to be alone after...tragic events." He leans against her shoulder and shivers before murmuring, "Things used to seem so dark before."

 

Debbie took a sip of tea as Aidan spoke. "Yes," she whispered. "Very dark and lonely. But you changed all that...at least for me." She turned slightly toward him and reached for his hand. "These past few days have been one close call after another. I'm so grateful I have you to help me pull myself back together again."

 

He closes his eyes and tucks his head against hers. "That works both ways, love." He squeezes her hand tightly before adding, "Well, hopefully we'll have some time ahead of us now to regroup, heal and look to the future." He shivers again as he whispers. "Would like to bury this particular past for good."

 

She leaned against him but when she felt him shudder, she pulled a way and looked at him intently. "What's wrong?" she asked softly. "Why are you shivering?"

 

He tips his head back to look up into her eyes. "This has been an emotional roller coaster as of late. Just...wrung out I guess. Having to deal with the past...nearly losing my future because of it..."

 

Deb turned a bit more so could face him. Something was bothering him and needed to find out what. "Aidan," she said softly. "Exactly what are you talking about?"

 

He sighs quietly. "Just thinking how close I came to losing you."

 

Smiling slightly, Debbie rested her palm against his cheek. "I was in a much safer area than you were," she replied. "If anything, I probably came closer to losing you than vice versa....not that it matters." She dropped her hand to his shoulder. "Are you sure that's all that's bothering you?"

 

"I guess...I guess also dealing still with the emotional baggage from that away mission to that second Miranda." He frowns briefly, wondering if he really should tell her. She had expressed wariness before of being involved with him given the inherent dangers in the position he holds. Finally he decides that if he was going to tell anyone, it was going to be her. That if they were really going to have a future together that he needed her as a confidante. He closes his eyes again. "I've had my share of being in situations where I could have died. But I think that was the closest. We beamed back here just as that Miranda was exploding around us...the flames were just reaching us.

 

For a long moment, Deb simply stared at him. She'd known it was a close call, but she hadn't realized the last of the rescue party actually witnessed the Miranda exploding. "I'm so sorry," Aidan," she said, resting her head on his shoulder. "That must have been terrifying. I imagine you still see that explosion whenever you close your eyes"

 

He turns slightly and slips his arms around her gently. He leans his head down to rest his forehead against hers. He murmurs, "Well, it definitely has me shook up though I think, with help, I'll get over that. What was most terrifying about it is what I nearly lost. That's what I see when I close my eyes."

 

"All that we both nearly lost," whispered Debbie sadly. She snuggled closer to him, closed her eyes and paused a moment to gather her thoughts. "It seems we both have nightmares to deal with," she continued quietly. "I think they would be easier to handle if we leaned on each other." She drew a deep breath and shook her head slightly. "I don't want to deal with them by myself anymore. I'm not sure I could, even if I wanted to."

 

He kisses her briefly. He murmurs, "We're leaning on each other now and as far as I'm concerned I quite intend to be here for you the rest of my life in whatever way you want of me." He closes his eyes and tucks his head against hers. At the same time he traces a hand against her back, drawing her closer to him. "You're not alone, Deb."

 

Debbie clung to him for a long moment, contentment settling over her like a warm blanket. She finally pulled away slightly and gazed into his eyes. They were back to normal now, as was his hair. It just wasn't fair that a man could have such beautiful green eyes. "You're not alone either," she replied softly. "You'll never be alone again as long as I'm alive."

 

He shifts position, moving so they're stretched out the length of the couch. He smiles and murmurs "Good, because I have definite plans for the two of us. Plans that require us to both have long lives." He brushes a hand through her hair. He brushes his lips against hers as he purrs contentedly.

 

She reached for his hand and clasped it tightly. "I have a few plans of my own," she replied, her voice barely audible. She leaned up and brushed her lips against his. "And like yours, they require we both have long lives."

 

 

 

 

He leans into her and murmurs "Oh? What thoughts are those?"

 

For some reason, the question surprised her. She definitely had ideas about the future but wasn't quite sure if she should put them into words. Deb smiled coyly. "You first," she whispered. "Tell me about your plans."

 

He smiles gently but feels a blush crawling up the back of his neck, "For us to spend the rest of our lives together. If the lady so wishes...."

 

She nodded ever so slightly. "The lady so wishes," she breathed without a moments hesitation. "It is her only true wish for the future."

 

He kisses her warmly but breaks it off after a few moments. He purrs "And what were those few thoughts of yours?"

 

 

 

Debbie sighed as Aidan pulled away slightly. She had been lost in his kiss and was sorry when it came to an end. She was still amazed at how relaxed she was and how being with him felt so natural. She was also keenly aware that, as far as this relationship was concerned, she had reached a point of no return. And she couldn't think of any reason why she shouldn't say so.

 

"My thoughts are similar to yours," she whispered, resting her forehead against his cheek. "I want us to be together for all of our days."

 

He stares down into her eyes for a few seconds, trying to gain some control over his emotions. Between what they were just discussing and her physical closeness, he was having more then a little trouble not giving into the temptation of letting go completely. He smiles and kisses her gently, intent on breaking it off after a second. Before he even thinks about it, he deepens the kiss as his hand comes up to gently cradle the back of her neck.

 

 

Debbie briefly considered pulling away from Aidan. But that thought quickly vanished. She loved him and

she wanted to experience moments like this. Slipping her arms around him, she responded eagerly to his embrace and the intensity of his deepened kiss.

 

As he settles back against the end of the couch, his mind tries telling him to slow down. But the kiss and her response to it shredded his carefully crafted control, reawakening needs and desires in him that he had thought buried long ago.

 

 

He caressed her so gently....so lovingly, she was soon swept away into a whirlwind of intense emotion. A part of her recognized what was happening and embraced it wholeheartedly. She felt her emotions slipping to somewhere well beyond mere affection. With every kiss....with every touch, Deb's self control quickly dissipated.

 

As the kiss edges into passionate, he brings his hands up her sides, tracing her curves before sliding back down to her waist.

 

 

Deb was completely overwhelmed. She'd never felt this way before about anyone or with anyone. She desperately wanted to explore these new sensations to their ultimate conclusion. But there was another voice calling out to her, one she earnestly attempted to ignore.

 

But that part of her was determined to be heard and before long, it would not be denied. She went still. Of course, Aidan noticed immediately. Her eyes moistened as she slowly pulled away from him and sat on the edge of the couch.

 

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I think I should probably go."

 

Aidan growls low in his throat as his emotions run the gamut from surprise to shock to frustration and back again. If she had physically slapped him, she couldn't have created a more confused set of feelings in him. Finally he draws his legs under him, as he forces himself to calm down. Still, a little of his emotions bleeds into his voice when he says, "Not before you explain, please."

 

Deb heard the tinge of anger in Aidan's voice. She couldn't blame him. She chided herself for not discussing this with him long before they found themselves in this situation. She steeled herself and looked at him, not certain how he would react.

 

"We both know where this is leading," she began slowly. She shook her head and smiled sadly. "I'm sorry but I'm not ready to walk down that path just yet."

 

He starts to say something to the effect of that wasn't how she was reacting just a few seconds earlier but that draws him up short, even before he says it. He stands and paces around the room, studiously keeping his eyes from her and purposely keeping some distance between them. Finally he says "Apparently. Mind furthering the explanation?" He sighs and shakes his head, thinking that this is rather like the strain the ship goes through when it drops from warp speed as fast as it can. Right now his mind and the rest of him were in more then a little conflict.

 

 

Debbie's heart sank when Aidan got up off the couch. It was very apparent he was hurt and angry. He probably felt she'd led him on and there was more than a little truth to that. She watched him pace around the room but what really killed her was the way he avoided looking at her.

 

She really didn't want to further the explanation either. But she knew she had to. She certainly owed him that much. Besides, she'd come this far....there was no way to turn back now. "A long time ago, I made a promise to myself," she answered, her voice tightly controlled. "I promised that I would give myself to only one man." She glanced at him but his back was to her. "And he would be my husband."

 

Deb immediately stood up and slowly walked toward the door. "I'm sorry, Aidan," she continued, fighting to control the panic welling up inside of her. "I should have told you about this before tonight. And I didn't mean to lead you on."

 

He turns at the sound of her standing. He quickly steps up behind her and places his hands on her shoulders, turning her around to face him. "Deb, before you walk out the door, you might want to give me a little time to absorb all this, to get my runaway emotions under control. Sit down. Please."

 

The warmth of his hands on her shoulders was enough to start melting the cold fear that had quickly chilled her to the bone. She stood in front of him and studied his expression for a long moment. She could see the hurt in his eyes along with confusion...... and maybe......just maybe.....a hint of understanding.

 

"I'm so sorry, Aidan," she replied in a soft whisper. "I know you're hurt and angry. I never meant for this to happen." Stepping away from him, she walked back into the living area but remained standing. She wasn't at all sure she should stay. Perhaps it would be better to allow him to cool off...privately.

 

But she didn't really believe that. Deep down, Deb knew this issue involved both of them. There was no way to work through this as individuals. They had to do it as a couple. It would be their relationship's first serious test. Debbie turned to look at him. His expression hadn't changed. She readily admitted to herself that she was scared. But she couldn't run away from this. It was time to put all of her cards on the table so she slowly sat down on the edge of the couch.

 

He sighs and shakes his head, "No, not angry. Just confused, a little frustrated and well....a little disappointed. But no, not angry, at least not at you. Myself, yes." He retrieves the two empty tea cups before heading for the kitchen area of his quarters. After a few seconds, he comes back with two fresh cups of tea, one of which he sets down in front of her. He moves to a chair across from the couch and sits down.

 

Debbie studied the cup sitting on the table in front of the couch. "I understand," she finally said. "And I can certainly relate to the frustration and disappointment." She glanced at Aidan. He was staring into his cup and made no effort to look at her. Even without eye contact, she knew from his body language he was having a problem figuring this out.

 

She took a deep breath and continued. "I love you. I really do. But, for me, that isn't enough." She hoped he would look up but he didn't. "You're not my husband," she added softly. "I don't want to take this step until we're married." She shrugged her shoulders slightly. "And if we never marry, then......."

 

He sighs quietly and shrugs. "Very well, as you wish. We won't take that step until we're married."

 

Aidan's remarked stunned her. He still hadn't looked at her. But as she watched him, she was almost certain she could see the shields coming down around him, stronger and more impenetrable than ever. "Why," she thought to herself. "Why didn't I talk to him about this before now."

 

The answer was simple enough. There had been no reason to. They'd been seeing each other for a long time, but their relationship had only recently developed to the point where there would be a need for such a discussion. Suddenly, things were moving along very quickly but they'd never found time for this little talk.

 

The only positive thing about his cut and dry answer was the implication they would marry one day. But Deb wasn't sure how to take that. She continued staring at him, willing him to make eye contact. "Is that all you have to say?"

 

He meets her gaze and studies her for a few seconds. "What do you expect me to say? Do you expect me to yell? Be angry? That wouldn't gain me anything, in fact I would lose by doing so. And what I hope to gain, I will not risk by doing that."

 

He pauses slightly then adds, "And frankly, Deb, you should know me better than to think I would be so.....petty and childish as to walk away from our relationship over your wanting to wait until marriage. I don't know what those two other men you were involved with when you were younger were thinking, but I am not like that. In our time as a couple, have I ever pushed for that step? You should have some idea of what I'm after in this relationship."

 

Every muscle in her body seemed to relax as she held Aidan's gaze. He was still frustrated and disappointed but he wasn't planning to walk out of her life. "No," she replied, shaking her head. "You've never....pushed for that step. And I thank you for that," she whispered, smiling weakly. "I was pretty sure we were both on the same page as far as what we wanted from this relationship. It's just.....well....." She shrugged her shoulders and frowned. "I wish I'd spoken to you about this earlier....we could have avoided any....misunderstandings." A few seconds later, she stood and glanced around the room, feeling a little uneasy in the awkward silence. "And now, I think I should go."

 

He stands and moves close enough to kiss her briefly. He murmurs, "Deb, listen to me. I want what we nearly did....but as part of our relationship, not instead of it. If I somehow forced the issue, the only thing that would happen is that you would end up walking away from me. I'm not interested in rendering the act irrelevant and meaningless to me like that. So if you don't want to cross that line until a certain point, that's fine even if it may drive me up the wall at times. The relationship....you are what is most important to me. I need you to understand that I would never consider being intimate with you if I wasn't after a permanent commitment..and yes, that means marriage." He takes a step back from her, smiles faintly and shrugs. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I should see to a cold shower."

 

Deb smiled slightly and nodded. "I understand," she said softly. She reached for his hand and squeezed it briefly before releasing it and stepping away. "As for that shower, not too cold," she murmured. "I like you better.....warm." She walked to the door and looked back to find Aidan hadn't moved. "I'll see you tomorrow.....and thanks for tonight."

 

He sighs inwardly and murmurs, "It'll have to be ice cold. You could heat a glacier."

 

Deb bit her lip as she smiled. "So could you," she replied softly. "Good night."

 

She quickly left Aidan's quarters but stopped in the corridor just outside. She looked back at the now closed door and sighed deeply. Things hadn't gone according to plan and she found herself terribly disappointed. She really wanted to spend some time with him.....she needed to spend time with him. But she had allowed a situation to arise for which she hadn't prepared and that annoyed her. Had she taken the initiative and discussed this with Aidan before, he would still be holding her in his arms right now. Instead, she was alone for the rest of the evening and she knew there would be no sleep tonight.

 

After the door closes, he briefly considers doing something churlish like tossing something. His fingers dig into the palms of his hands for a few seconds before he finally closes his eyes and sighs. He murmurs, "Suppose I should try and get some sleep...though I very much doubt that's going to happen this night." With that he turns and steps into his bedroom.