All the Wrong Reasons Part 2

[Simon Ljungberg 0]

Debbie leaned a little closer to Ljungberg and lowered her voice. "If you keep this up, all you're going to achieve is a court martial."

 

 

The young medic sighed. "I don't care what you do with me. It was perhaps a bad idea for me to join Starfleet. This isn't the first time I've been in trouble and it will probably not be the last time. The more bad reports you file about me the happier my parents will be and I'm sure they'll be delighted if you decide to court- martial me. So go ahead, make them happy. I couldn't care less."

 

"Now where did that come from?" thought Debbie silently. "Maybe we're going to make some progress after all." She looked at the dejected young man sitting next to her. "Simon," she said softly. "Exactly why did you join Starfleet? And why did you choose to specialize in medicine?"

 

Simon blinked. He hadn't expected that question. Usually people just kept telling him off. He feared he might have said too much. Simon wasn't sure whether he really wanted to answer but it seemed like he didn't have a choice. He'd just have to be careful what exactly he told Matthews.

 

"I had planned to become a paramedic or nurse in the civilian sector. But well... my whole family is in Starfleet. My grandparents are both retired officers, my mum is the chief of science on the Phoenix and my dad's the chief engineer on the Nautilus. My brother, Per, is an engineer, too, Lieutenant last time I saw him. He graduated second of his year. Can you imagine what would have happened if I had decided to go for a civilian career?" Simon sighed. He looked at his feet and mumbled, "It would probably not have made much of a difference. I'm the big disappointment of the family, anyway."

 

Simon was suddenly overwhelmed by the old feeling of anger, frustration and deep sadness he'd always had when his grandfather had talked to him after a call from school. "A failure all along the line...your brother as an example...keep up tradition...reputation of the family...yadda, yadda, yadda..." They just never got it! He wasn't his father or Per. He was Simon, the boy who had cried secretly at night because his father had insisted on being called 'sir', the teenager who had hated being treated like a cadet at home, the young man who loathed following orders blindly, the Petty Officer who despised himself for not standing up to his family.

 

He swallowed hard and looked up into Debbie's eyes. "I don't expect you to understand this." Somehow Simon wished she would understand. He didn't know why but he wanted her to see his problem. Perhaps it was because she was the first one who had actually asked. Could it be that she was genuinely interested?

 

"So that's it," thought Debbie. "He joined up for all the wrong reasons." She wanted to reach over and pat Simon on the shoulder....reassure him everything would be okay. But she didn't dare. Instead she turned the chair a bit so she was practically facing him.

 

"Believe it or not," she began gently. "I do understand. You allowed your family to dictate your future. Now you're angry at them and at yourself." She paused, watching for any response from the young medic. But he kept his eyes lowered and made no effort to speak.

 

"Your anger toward your family is fairly easy to explain," she continued, carefully monitoring Simon's expression. "They hurt your feelings, made you feel like a failure. They forced the round peg into the square hole. But I dare say, you're even angrier at yourself than you are with them. Because you allowed them to do it."

 

Again, she paused hoping for some response but there was none. "You joined Starfleet even though it was the last thing you wanted to do. You followed their orders, so to speak, and it was a very critical order...an order that changed your life in a dramatic way. You may have questioned it, but eventually, you did exactly as your family ordered."

 

She tapped him on the hand, forcing him to look up. "And you swore that would be the last order you ever obeyed without question."

 

Debbie leaned back in her chair and smiled slightly. "How am I doing so far?"

 

Simon looked at her a bit surprised. "You...I...," he averted his eyes again and just nodded. He felt her eyes on him and wanted to say something but he just couldn't. Debbie made him feel vulnerable and this was a feeling he had been trying to fight for as long as he could remember. It made you weak, gave them an opportunity to hurt you. Along with these thoughts another feeling rose in him: Panic. He couldn't let this woman do this to him. He hardly knew her. She was doing this on purpose. She wanted him to feel bad. She just wanted to find out how she could really get at him.

 

Simon clenched his fists, ready to fight back. Then Finn's words came to his mind unbidden. "I don't know what has led you to believe that everyone is out to get you... You have friends here... I'm sure Matthews doesn't exactly hate you, either." Could it be that his friend was right?

 

The young man looked at Debbie. She had observed him closely with apparent concern. More important than the question whether or not Finn had been right was the question whether he could risk to trust his chief. Last time he had decided to trust someone he had been betrayed... stabbed in the back was actually a more appropriate way to put it. It had almost killed him and he had sworn never to trust anyone again... ever. But what if he didn't expect too much this time? Would the disappointment not be too big if he didn't get his hopes up too high? He decided to give it a try. After all, he didn't have all that much to lose. If, in the end, it turned out that Debbie didn't really deserve his trust she would just confirm what he thought he knew anyway. Noone ever helped anyone without a reason.

 

After the long silence Simon answered, his voice barely above a whisper. "I just can't seem to do anything right." He shook his head slightly and fell silent.

 

"That's a cop out," snorted Debbie. "And you know it. You're a very bright and capable young man. I reviewed your file....in detail. You've got more going for you than some of the commissioned officers on this ship. You could have a brilliant career in Starfleet. You could also have a brilliant career in civilian life." She tilted her head slightly and smiled. "But before you go any further, you need to decide which of those paths to follow."

 

Debbie had no idea how Ljungberg would react to her change in tone. She hadn't meant to scold him but she hated it when intelligent, mature people questioned their ability to make good choices. Simon was definitely intelligent. She wasn't too sure about the mature part but he was still young. He had plenty of time to mature if he would only give himself the opportunity. Debbie's biggest concern was that Ljungberg would self-destruct long before he had a chance to finish growing up.

 

"Simon," continued Matthews in calmer tone of voice. "There is no shame in admitting you made a mistake by joining Starfleet. I don't give a rat's rear what your family thinks. Simon lives in your skin. Nobody else but Simon. You have to decide what's best for you. If Starfleet makes you so uncomfortable you can't function, then you absolutely need to consider a different career."

 

With that, the CMO got up and returned to the chair behind her desk. "Of course, I'm prejudiced," she said as she sat down. "I would love for you to make a commitment to Starfleet. You could be a great asset to this department and believe me, I need good people in here."

 

Simon was completely caught by surprise by the CMO's words. Noone had every called him bright and capable, least of all an officer who had every reason to court martial him. His eyes followed Debbie as she moved across the room. He didn't know what to say so he decided to remain silent and listen to what she had to say.

 

Debbie reached down and opened the bottom drawer of her desk. "But I don't want to you stay if you hate it here. I certainly don't want to stand by and watch your attitude reach the point where you're dishonorably discharged or worse. I would much rather cut you loose now while you still have a decent reputation to fall back on."

 

Matthews fumbled in the drawer for a moment and pulled out two of her famous lollipops. She laid one of them on the desk and proceeded to open the other. "So you think about, Simon," continued Debbie. "I'm giving you a couple of days off so you'll have some quiet time to consider your options."

 

"And while you're thinking about what you should do," the CMO leaned forward and lowered her voice a bit. "please consider this. Maybe, just maybe, you do want to be here. Maybe, deep down inside, you've always wanted to be in Starfleet. But that's also what your family wanted. It's possible they saw your potential and pushed a little too hard. You didn't want to be pushed. Throughout the years, their pushing led to confrontations, arguments and hard feelings. And you decided, consciously or subconsciously, that you were going to prove them wrong....no matter what."

 

"You would join up but you would fail," added Debbie. "You would sabotage your own dreams because you couldn't reconcile the fact that your dream was too darn close to what your family wanted you to do. I'm not saying that's the case. But I hope you will consider this little scenario carefully. If nothing else, you can eliminate it as a possible cause for your disciplinary problems."

 

Simon had watched Debbie dig out two lollipops while she was talking. He found this a bit curious and he had to smile despite himself. Then he shook his head and his expression grew somber again. "I'm not sure you're right about my family. Anyway that's not really what matters right now. I appreciate that you are willing to give me another chance and I'm glad you allow me some time to think it over." He looked closely at his chief. He had no idea why she was so indulgent with him but he was genuinely grateful for her words. This was the first time that someone had made him feel like he was more than just a nuisance...that he was actually worth something.

 

Matthews shrugged her shoulders. "You may have signed on the dotted line, but you haven't made a real commitment to Starfleet. Maybe you can't. If not, now is the time to cut bait and move on." She picked up the lollipop from the desk and handed it to Simon. "I'm hoping you'll be able to make the commitment. But like I said, you're the only one living inside your skin. The final decision is yours, Petty Officer. But please, don't cut your nose off to spite your face."

 

Ljungberg took the lollipop and nodded. "Thank you ma'am." Suddenly a thought occured to him. Something that made him doubt whether he could really remain in Starfleet even if he wanted to. "What if it's already too late?" Debbie frowned and Simon hurried to explain. "I've already been in a lot of trouble during my brief time in Starfleet. We both know that even if I try hard I won't become a model of discipline and reliability overnight. Expecting that would be foolish. I mean, I'm not planning to get into more trouble whether I stay or not but...well... I know myself." He looked at Debbie and blushed, hoping she would understand his concern.

 

The CMO sighed and shook her head. "If it was already too late, I wouldn't be having this conversation with you. You'd be on your way to Earth and that civilian life you thought you wanted."

 

Debbie slapped her hand on the desk. "And another thing, Petty Officer. You ARE quite capable of keeping your nose clean, effective immediately. I don't want to hear this 'I know myself' garbage. That's part of your problem. You DON'T know yourself. You need to thoroughly examine your conscious and if you do it properly, I think you'll be very surprised at the results. Nobody said you had to be an angel. But you might find that you're not the devil incarnate either. Underneath that calloused and bitter attitude, is a very decent man."

 

Matthews looked Simon square in the eye. "It's about time you found that man. And it's about time you decided whether or not he's a civilian or a Starfleet Petty Officer assigned to the USS Reaent. But remember, you have to commit to whatever path you choose. So get out of here. I don't want to see you back in Sickbay for 48 hours. And when you return, I need to know if I still have a medic. Understand?"

 

Simon smiled widely. Despite having to make a decision that would change his life he was happy. Happiness...that was something he hadn't felt in a long time. Debbie would have any reason to tell him to go home, that Starfleet wasn't the right choice for him, that all he was good at was making trouble and she couldn't use someone like him. But she didn't. For some inscrutable reason she believed in him.

 

Ljungberg got to his feet. "Aye, ma'am." He realised he still held the lollipop in his hand. His smile turned into a grin. "And thanks for the lollipop." He kept standing in front of her Debbie's desk waiting to be dismissed.

 

The CMO considered the young man for a moment and then nodded. "Dismissed." The Petty Officer turned around to leave the office. "Simon, consider your options carefully and take your time." Simon nodded almost imperceptibly and walked out of the office.