Breaking the Fixation

[NDak 0]

"I think I am drowning, Asphyxiated. I wanna break the spell that you've created, you’re something beautiful, a contradiction...and you will be the death of me."

 

 

I left Nemesis in Security about an hour ago. To be honest I don’t think he’ll do anything stupid, but you never know…I’ll deal with that later. Right now I’d rather not think about that…or him…

 

It’s good to be home…back in the right dimension, and even if this isn’t exactly the proper dimension, I could careless.

 

Koshic stood looking out one of the large windows in the observation lounge on the Arcadia. Seeing Nemesis had sparked something inside him...nostalgia. He’d began to think about all the people who he’d served with over the nearly two years he’d been aboard the Arcadia who weren’t part of the family anymore…Garnoopy, Marx, Jaruq, Telano, Quest, Ziggy, Black, Anika Pierce, Ruca, Honeycutt…and of course…the name he’d tried hardest to forget—Hans.

 

It all seemed so long ago. Sometimes, he couldn’t even see their faces, sometimes that’s all he could see. Especially Hans’…the look of agony…the feeling of pain, thank the Great Goddess he didn’t see him die.

 

As he looked around the room, he saw so many young faces…so many new people. He was a relic, along with Trichon, Andrea, Lo’Ami and John Anderson…the last vestiges of an old order on Arcadia.

 

He leaned his head against the bulkhead. Why had it been Hans and not him? He’d never truly come to grips with that question…he probably never would. He’d managed to suppress the images, the questions…the doubts…for so long…but now…Nemesis had retriggered those thoughts memories.

 

Serenity…peace…calm….free the mind…free the spirit…

 

He had to admit…all things considered it could be worse. The crew had lived through some pretty harrowing experiences, and yet somehow they always managed to survive—find a way to live on.

 

Like the crew, he’d have to move on. Eventually, but then he’d never been good at that. His fathers death still haunted him; memories of torture on the RES Talon…Trichon’s thoughts…Moose’s Nightmares…Hecua leaving him…he really had never dealt with any of that…or at least that’s what Andrea always said…

 

He’d never dreamed of breaking this fixation. He couldn’t burry it any longer, smother it in his psyche. It was about time he came to grips with his reality, and move on letting the past go. If he had to go another morning of waking and seeing a face in the mirror that wasn’t his…he might go crazy.

 

He wanted freedom, not bounds and restrictions…but he’d been trapped. It was squeezing the life out of him…and the time had come to end it. Just as he’d purged himself of the evil lust that tainted his soul, it was time to take out the skeletons of his closet.