TMir

Then that should not exist.

~Ali

Except that it comes from here

<h1 align="center">Bruces</h1>

From 'Monty Python Live at City Center'

 

About the Sketch:

This sketch not only appeared in the Flying Circus TV Show - Episode 22, but also on their album 'Monty Python Live at City Center' and performed live in the Movie - 'Live at the Hollywood Bowl'. It was also featured on other albums - 'The Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief', 'The Monty Python Instant Record Collection (first version), 'Monty Python's Final Ripoff' and 'The Ultimate Monty Python Ripoff'. A shortened and different version was also performed on their live album 'Monty Python live at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane'.

The cast:

FIRST BRUCE Eric Idle SECOND BRUCE Graham Chapman THIRD BRUCE Michael Palin FOURTH BRUCE John Cleese MICHAEL Terry Jones

The sketch:

Second Bruce: G'day, Bruce! First Bruce: Oh, Hello Bruce!

 

Third Bruce: How are you Bruce?

 

First Bruce: A bit crook, Bruce.

 

Second Bruce: Where's Bruce?

 

First Bruce: He's not 'ere, Bruce.

 

Third Bruce: Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.

 

First Bruce: Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!

 

Second Bruce: That's a strange expression, Bruce.

 

First Bruce: Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. "It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty," he said and she smiled quietly to herself.

 

Third Bruce: She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.

 

Second Bruce: Here! Here's the boss-fellow now! - how are you bruce?

 

(Enter fourth Bruce with English person, Michael)

 

Fourth Bruce: 'Ow are you, Bruce?

 

First Bruce: G'day Bruce!

 

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

 

Second Bruce: Hello Bruce.

 

Fourth Bruce: Bruce.

 

Third Bruce: How are you, Bruce?

 

Fourth Bruce: G'day Bruce.

 

Fourth Bruce: Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.

 

Everybruce: G'day!

 

Michael: Hello.

 

Fourth Bruce: Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.

 

First Bruce: Is your name not Bruce?

 

Michael: No, it's Michael.

 

Second Bruce: That's going to cause a little confusion.

 

Third Bruce: Mind if we call you "Bruce" to keep it clear?

 

Fourth Bruce: Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.

 

First Bruce: Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!

 

Everybruce: Amen!

 

Fourth Bruce: Crack tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.

 

Second Bruce: I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

 

Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

 

Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.

 

Third Bruce: What's New-Bruce going to teach?

 

Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benaud.

 

Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!

 

Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!

 

Third Bruce: Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!

 

Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!

 

Fourth Bruce:Bruce: Crack tube! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions?

 

Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?

 

Fourth Bruce: Are you a Poofter?

 

Michael: No!

 

Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

 

Everybruce: No Poofters!

 

Fourth Bruce: Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?

 

Everybruce: No Poofters!!

 

Fourth Bruce: Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five,

 

Everybruce: No Poofters!

 

Fourth Bruce: Rule Six, there is NO ... Rule Six. Rule Seven,

 

Everybruce: No Poofters!!

 

Fourth Bruce: Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.

 

First Bruce: This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

 

Everybruce: Amen!

 

(NB: The Album versions continue with the Philosopher's song The TV version continues below....)

 

First Bruce: Right, let's get some Sheilas.

 

(An Aborigine bunts in with an enormous tray full of enormous steaks.)

 

Fourth Bruce: OK.

 

Second Bruce: Ah, elevenses.

 

Third Bruce: This should tide us over 'til lunchtime.

 

Second Bruce: Reckon so, Bruce.

 

First Bruce: Sydney Nolan! What's that! (points)

 

(Cut to dramatic close-up of Fourth Bruce's ear. Hold close-up. The superimposed arrow pointing to the ear.)

 

Voice Over: Number nine. The ear.

 

*****Album Version Continued******

 

(And now all four Bruces launch into the Philosopher's song)

 

Immanuel Kant was a real ######-ant who was very rarely stable.

Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel.

And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.

Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stewart Mill, of his own free will, after half a pint of shanty was particularly ill.

Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day!

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,

And Hobbes was fond of his Dram.

And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:

"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;

A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

And now for something totally different...ques the Monty Python Flying Circus music...and the Flying heads routine.

Rule 6: There is NO...Rule 6!

Whoops. B) Totally forgot about this thread.

 

Winner: TMir, for the AAA pun. :)

 

Runner-up: Professor Galen.

Must be beginner's luck.

T’Mir sat at the nurse’s station, handwritten notes on the patient’s latest progress. Organizing them, she began her final surgical notes for entry into the computer.

“Physician’s Progress Notes for Commander Nak. Further post-operative evaluation of the patient found a complex fracture of the left forearm, with multiple fractures of the radius and ulna. Assisting Dr. Chalice, the arm was placed in a pronated position (forearm out, palm down), on a fat-distributing cushion to prevent damage to the ulna nerve. Dr. Chalice applied the bone regenerator to for fixation of the injured limb. A soft wrist brace was applied to the injury site to provide additional support to the limb.

“Commander Nak has been evaluated as not at risk for VTE (venous thromboembolism). However, it is recommended that the patient report to sickbay in the event that there is significant edema around the injury sites.

“The patient was released with orders in his file for continued postoperative evaluation as well as a regimen of ibuprofen therapy for pain, as well as physical and occupational therapy for both the left wrist and calf once practicable, to return to the limb to full mobilization.

“It is strongly recommended that the patient limit his caffeine intake to no more than three cups of coffee per day, and limit his carbohydrate intake to no more than two (2) simple carbohydrates (known as “pastries”) per week. These recommendations are due to the patient’s limited mobility and to inability to do his required physical training exercises.

“Signed, Dr. T’Mir, FSCS, attending. Append to patient’s permanent medical record and forward a copy to Captain and CMO.”

T'Mir knelt in her quarters, deep in meditation. Incense from Mount Seleya smoldered in a small brazier, filling the small room with a feeling of home for the Vulcan doctor. A small music player quietly played a Mozart violin concerto. As a cadet, she had found that soft Terran Classical music helped to focus her meditations.

Her eyes opening, she stood and moved to the desk, her robes whispering softly. "Computer," she said, as she slid a data cartridge into the reader, "open personal log, this Stardate."

"Working."

"I have become conflicted over why I slapped CDR Nak. I will freely admit that the Commander was acting in a most illogical manner; refusing to wait until after corrective treatment for his injured leg. Perhaps the slap was a reminder that he was injured; that I, as a medical officer outranked him once he came under my care; perhaps it knocked some sense in the Commander, something my mentors at Johns Hopkins told me about."There is yet another possibility, and one that I am not certain I wish to entertain with my superiors—there may be the possibility that I am entering pon farr. This would be illogical, as Suiadan was killed only five years ago.

"This will require further reflection and meditation, as well as discussion with Commander Sarvek at a later date. I need to return to duty, check on my patient and relieve Nurse Blücher."

American Aircraft Association's emergency service.

Wow, you obviously know how to be a doctor on a starship.

Nah, I just play emergency medical tech in real life. :) :P Me!

((Author's warning: Heavy medical terminology herein.))

T'Mir sat at the nurse's station desk in the main treatment area of the Hood's sickbay and slid a data cassette into the reader, a mug of tea steaming contentedly next to the terminal. "Computer, open Medical Record 31754, and begin recording progress notes."

"Working." The record appeared on the terminal screen, pulling up all data on Commander Nak's recent injury.

"Commander Nak suffered traumatic injury to his left leg due to a rock slide, resulting in closed fractures of both medial tibia and fibula, without injury to the muscle groups or anterior tibial artery. The Commander was brought to sickbay on a long spine board, aboard the shuttle Éclair. Due to the uncooperative nature of the patient (his attempt to eat prior to surgery and with great disdain for his injury), he was sedated with 1 mg Fentanyl IV via hypospray.

"Upon consultation with Dr. Llewellyn, it was determined that the best course of treatment was to place the injured limb in a long leg cast, and allow the bones to knit naturally. Traction was taken up, and both bones set into position. After verifying that the bone fragments were properly aligned, use of the bone regenerator at its lowest setting was required to provide stimulus for the fracture to begin healing, and to obviate the use of the surgical insertion of pins and screws as a foundation for the bones healing themselves. The limb was then secured in the cast, and the patient placed in step down.

"Commander Nak is to remain non-weight bearing for the next 12 weeks, to promote the natural regrowth of bone tissue. Patient should become partial weight bearing at week 13, with full weight bearing at week 17. Physical therapy is recommended after week 13 to return the limb to full weight bearing. Ibuprofen is to be prescribed for pain, 800 mg PRN, not to exceed 4 times per day. If mission requirements make it necessary, the bone regenerator will be used, only after the fourth week. Mission requirements will be determined by Dr. Llewellyn, Chief Medical Officer; and Captain Huff, Commander USS Hood.

"Signed, Doctor T'Mir, FSCS, attending physician." She sat back, and sipped the mug of tea that had been steaming contentedly on the desk. "Computer, end recording and save. Append copy to Commander Nak's permanent medical record."

"Affirmative." T'Mir sipped her tea, as the computer crunched on the report. "Done." Taking her mug of tea with her, she left Commander Nak in Nurse Blücher's…capable hands. She needed to meditate on her actions with the Commander; as well as finish unpacking and setting cockroach traps.

T'Mir sat in the second class observation lounge of passenger liner Olympic, watching the stars streak by as the ship took her along on her penultimate leg to her first assignment—the USS Hood. Even though she didn't consider herself lucky, she was one of the lucky few to be assigned to one of the 12 Constitution-class starships in the fleet. Her classmates from the class 10807.01 would consider themselves lucky if they just saw a deep-space starship during their careers.

A ship's steward placed a fresh glass of water on her table, while the Vulcan ensign continued to stare through the transparent aluminum bulkhead. After a few more minutes of reflection and meditation, she pulled out a small personal computer and began typing.

Mother and Father,

I hope this missive finds you in good health. I am currently on my way to my first assignment as a Starfleet medical officer. While I wish that you could have been to San Francisco for my graduation ceremony, I do not find it logical that you continue to protest my activities that further my career as a physician. As a member of Starfleet, it is only logical that I would be at the forefront of exploration and pushing medical sciences past what have been considered previous benchmarks.

Father, if you try the argument that Starfleet is a military organization, designed to control all of known space, I will remind you that Starfleet commissioned the USS Intrepid with an all Vulcan crew, and Ambassador Sarek's son, Commander Spock, has served for several years aboard the Enterprise, under both Captains Pike and Kirk. And while it may seem illogical for ships designed for peaceful exploration to be heavily armed, as I know you'll attempt to argue, recent current events prove that the Human philosopher Carl von Clauswitz's statement "The best defense is a good offence" correct. Had Federation starships not been equipped with the weapons they have, the Federation would no longer exist, and we would all be subjugated races. Father, it is not logical for you to hold this grudge any longer. I do not know whether it is because Starfleet was not there to protect the Marie Celeste on her way to P'Jem, or because you would rather Vulcan cut off all ties with Earth. I honor my bondmate's memory by going forth to serve and protect the sentient species that make up the Federation.

A steward discretely coughed behind her. "Ensign T'Mir, we're approaching your rendezvous with the USS Columbia ((Hermes-class Scout, NCC-621)). I think it might be prudent if you were packed beforehand. I've heard that Captain Aubrey doesn't like to be kept waiting."

T'Mir looked up and over her shoulder. "Thank you Mr. Carroll."

I will be making my connection that will be taking me assignment.

Live long and Prosper,

T'Mir

After hitting the "Send" button, T'Mir stood and left for her quarters to pack.

SD: 10807.07

NAME: T'Mir

RACE: Vulcan

SEX: Female

AGE: 32

HEIGHT: 1.67m

WEIGHT: 56kg

HAIR COLOR: Auburn

DISTINGUISHING MARKS: None

RANK AND PAY GRADE: LT(sg)

ASSIGNMENT: USS Hood, NCC-1703

DUTY POSITION: Chief Medical Officer

NEXT OF KIN:

V'Rtigo- Father

T'Mara- Mother

Suiadan- Husband (Deceased)

-=CAREER HISTORY=-

Graduated Starfleet Academy, 10807.01

Assigned as Assistant Medical Officer, USS Hood, NCC-1703; 10807.02

Promoted to Chief Medical Officer, USS Hood

-=PERSONAL HISTORY=-

T'Mir graduated from the Vulcan Science Academy with high honors in xenobiology and xenomedicine, as well as with minors in psychology and psychiatry, with an internship at Shi'Khar University Hospital and Medical Center, and residency at Johns Hopkins University Hospital, Tranquility City, Luna, before attending Starfleet Academy.

T'Mir is named after her second foremother, a noted physician on Vulcan before serving on several High Command vessels. T'Mir exhibits the same wanderlust that her ancestor showed, initially by accepting her residency at a Human medical institution, and her subsequent joining of Starfleet

While on a pilgrimage to P'Jem, T'Mir and her bond-mate were passengers aboard the passenger liner Marie Celeste, which fell prey to Orion pirates masquerading as members of the Andorian Defense Forces. During the attack, T'Mir's husband was fatally injured when a structural support failed and resulting debris crushed his thoracic cavity. The Marie Celeste was not captured by the Orion pirates, due to the intervention of the dreadnought USS Federation, and escorted safely back to Vulcan.

-=QUALIFICATIONS=-

T'Mir is qualified by the Starfleet College of Surgeons in emergency medicine, trauma medicine, and as a general practitioner. She also maintains current qualifications in humanoid and vulcanoid cardiopulmonary resuscitation. She has also passed the Academy's basic phaser marksmanship, and holds Type 1 and Type 2 phaser qualifications.

-=PROFESSIONAL AWARDS=-

Fellowship, Starfleet College of Surgeons.

Rooster fighting meets fútbol

Good one! But the thought of mixing V-8 with ice cream....ugh. Which leads me to the next clue: Gee, already gave it away in this reply.

Coke™?

I'm just a cute lil Pandarian. :D :lol:

Of course I'm kidding. You didn't see how those Pandarian's ate me up. If they can get the better of a guy like me, hows Starfleet supposed to stop them? In my defense, though, I had just been heavily sedated and was in no state to fight, but still...

You were the equivelent of a sushi display last night, Cuda. :D

Vulcan (Which is pretty much all of them)