Ask Xenexian!

Dear Xenexian, One of my subordinates has begun doing something disruptive, immoral, and possibly illegal. I'm not certain this subordinate realizes the gravitiy of her error. Should I warn her before I punish her to the full extent of my abilities? Stone-Heart Dear Stone-Heart, Eep. Humbly, Xenexian Editor's note: this is the last edition of "Ask Xenexian".

Dear Xenexian, My boyfriend has just broken up with me, and I miss him terribly. He says he's not ready to commit yet. What can I do? Please help, Xenexian! Miss My Lover Dear Miss My Lover, He's obviously a cad. Certain placings of large knives can give you the sense of payback that you yearn for. Get imaginative -- I'm sure he'll respect you more after you're done with your mutilations. The expert on all things romantic, Xenexian

A few days ago in the junior officers' quarters... * "It's bagpipe music!" "That's Klingon opera, I swear to gods!" "Then it's Klingon bagpipes!" "Who the hell plays Klingon opera on bagpipes?" "Beats me, but... how about we ask that help column!" "Yeah, great idea, Bill!" Dear Xenexian, Lately the people next door seem to be having loud parties at odd hours. They must be on late shifts, because just as my bunkmate and I are getting dressed in the morning, we'll hear noises from the other side of the bulkhead. I think it sounds like Klingon opera; my bunkmate thinks it sounds like the bagpipes being played by a novice. It could be Klingon opera on bagpipes. Starfleet soundproofing is good, but apparently it can't withstand this. What should we do? Sincerely, Banging on the Walls Dear Banging on the Walls, Have you considered responding in kind? Perhaps they'll get the hint. In the worst case, you'll start a trend and have your quarters block be known for its creativity. I'd personally love to see some up-and-coming Aldebaran Blues performers take root on Agincourt. How about you take that up? The loving dispenser of valuable nuggets of wise offerings, Xenexian. P.S. Due to unforeseen additional commitments brought about by the cruel deities running Agincourt, my humble petitioners may encounter some delay in reply. The organizer of this useful column apologizes, and recommends complaints be forwarded elsewhere. (( * For newcomers to Ask Xenexian, please refer to this edition. )

Dear Ghost-Busted on Deck 13, There are some worlds where 'easy' methods of ridding yourself of the neighborly nuisance would be quite acceptable, and, if she is as disagreeable as I am picking up on, encouraged by the greater community as a whole. However, since we technically are still in the Federation, and are thereby bound by their rules and regulations (foolish as they may seem to be), such options are not readily open to us. There's always a very viable option, however, in the case of not-so-hauntings. Considering that the entire ship has become overrun with ghosts, erm, energy beings, one might always feign the same. As a ghost, she will likely fear you. I recommend adopting some of the normal ghostly attributes -- rising and making loud crashes in the middle of the night, throwing things around, and even using holographic generators to make glow-in-the-dark ethereals. You want to be known as a noisy, loud, disruptive poltergeist that she will want to move away from. Then, awkward encounters will be avoided, and you won't have to worry about your not-ghost. The eternal source of Agincourtian wisdom, Xenexian

Ask Xenexian! Edition the Third Dear Xenexian, My best friend has been dating a guy in her department for a couple of months now. She really likes him, and they've been very happy. The problem is, lately I've been seeing a lot of him around, and I think it's because he's seeing my boss. I'd like to tell her, or confront him, or something, but I'm not sure what. I don't want to hurt my friend, and I don't want my boss angry with me. But I think he's a two-timing creep. Please help me out. Sincerely, Very Anonymous ------ Dear Not-So-Very-Anonymous-After-All-Because-A-Situation-Like-This-Is-Pretty-Distinctive, Clearly, you're being a nosy little busybody. But I'm assuming you know you're a busybody, and don't care to take time to correct said busybodiness. After all, who else than a department gossip would pass along this kind of a rumor? The problem clearly lies with you, and I bet everyone around you can see that. As for getting your boss angry, I'm sure she's already less than thrilled with you. After all, who wants a lieutenant or whatever rank you are messing about without any cause? In any case, if you insist upon involving yourself in the affairs of others, I recommend that you just tell your friend, and while you're at it, tell your boss that you do know exactly what's going on. Sounds like a pig deep down inside that nice little Starfleet exterior. Besides, since you've already gone and undoubtedly told half of the crew already, you aren't going to get yourself any higher on her List. Your friend, on the other hand, should get some nerve up and approach her good-for-nothing louse of a boyfriend. She clearly lacks standards, lacks a brain, and I would bet fell in love at first sight. All of this boils down to a hastily-planned romance that needs to be blown out of the water as soon as possible. Always solving everything, Xenexian

Ask Xenexian! Edition the First Dear Xenexian, My bunkmate insists on playing Rigellian jazz after his shift. He says it helps him unwind. I don't know if you've ever heard Rigellian jazz, but it sounds like feral cats in heat being tortured in a popcorn popper. This wasn't a major problem, actually, because he worked Beta shift and I worked Gamma, so I was rarely there when he got off shift. But since we got stuck out here, all the shifts have been moved around to compensate for the crew we lost and the new people from the Gideon. Now my bunkmate and I get home at the same time. I'd like to unwind after a long shift, but the only thing his so-called music is doing is sending me towards homocidal rage. How can I talk to him about this? Sincerely, Needs Earplugs Dear Needs Earplugs, There is only one way to solve a terrible problem like this. You simply cannot discuss this with him. Discussion will make him cranky, and cranky will make him want to soothe his nerves? With? Let's all say it together, kids: More jazz! You have to return the favor, sweetums. I'd recommend finding the most disgusting old music. Klingon opera, for one thing. Blast it suddenly in the middle of the night. Take to singing along, especially if you lack pitch. Bang on pots and pans for an accompaniment. Pick up a new cultish religion that requires you to prance through the room, splashing ice water on any occupants that happen to be in your bunk. It's religion, after all -- what can anyone do to you? Best of all, replicate an outlandishly large, loud instrument, and also find a reason to practice on it exceedingly often. Again, this is best appreciated about the middle of his/your normal sleep cycle. You'll see he gets the picture quickly. Enjoy your return to quiet! Xenexian