Simon Ljungberg

Simon stood at the captain's bedside, checking his vitals and contemplating the situation. Thirty minutes ago he had materialized in sickbay right next to the biobed on which the CO was just appearing. The bed's sensors came to life with a beep and the monitor displayed the captain's vitals. One quick look had told Simon he had to hurry. It had taken Merina and Doctor Studly only seconds to realize who the new patient was. They had rushed to his help immediately. He had never thougt he would find himself in a situation like this. Thinking about it now, Simon couldn't help but feel a little uneasy about everything. The Captain had sustained life threatening injuries and he, Petty Officer Simon Ljungberg, had been in charge of his treatment, if only for a couple of minutes. This realization blew his mind but what was even more disconcerting was the reason why he had had the honour. Doctor Matthews was the prime suspect in this attack and had therefore refused to help treat the captain. "No way," Simon said to himself as he keyed some commands into the biobed. He didn't believe for one second that his chief had anything to do with this attack and he was ready to tell that to anyone who'd listen.As far as he was concerned Matthews had just been at the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe someone was trying to frame her? He looked around suspiciously, then forwned as he realized what he was doing. It wasn't his job to find the real perpetrator and he was glad about that. Through the open door of the chief's office Simon could see Rocco and Merina discussing something. He was sure they were trying to figure out how to proceed. The Captain's injuries were serious. They'd have to decide whether or not he'd need an artificial heart and if so if he was stable enough for such a n operation. Simon was glad he didn't have to make that decision. Though he was secretly hoping that Merina would let him assist should they do a heart transplant. Simon sighed as he took one last glance at the Captain's vitals. All he could do for now was keep him stable.

Merina looked around and then toward the jeffries tube they'd have to climb down. "You know Simon, this is going to be a little tricky getting him down these ladders," she said. Simon let his gaze follow Merina's and shot a glance down the ladder. "Yeah, I don't see how we could both carry him. We have to think about something. I guess just dropping him is not one of our options." "No, dropping him would not be a good idea," Merina replied. Simon was slightly confused hearing this answer. He had not really meant dropping Aaron down two decks. He decided not to mention this and concentrate on the task at hand instead. He picked Aaron up again. "I guess the best would be if I go first with him and you follow. In case I fall you'll just have a few more bones to fix." Merina looked at him. "Ok?" Simon turned around, carrying Aaron over his shoulder in a fireman's carry, and nodded. "Man, he's heavy." Looking at Simon, she couldn't help, but to smile at him carrying Aaron like that. Simon looked up just when Merina smiled at him. He frowned. "He really is heavy, believe me." With that he started descending the ladder, one step at a time, careful not to miss a step. Merina watched carefully as Simon decended the ladder, then she followed. She kept her ears alert and looked down every once in a while, hoping she wouldn't hear a loud thud and then see both men lying at the foot of the ladder. After a long descent Simon eventually arrived at the foot of the ladder. He put Aaron back down on the ground to check on his vitals. Wiping the seat off his forehead with his sleeve he got out his tricorder and started scanning "He's stable but the question is for how long." Merina jumped off the ladder just after Simon and looked over his shoulder to glance at the tricorder's display. "Alright, I guess this were I come in," she replied. Simon looked up questioningly. "You mean you're going to carry him to sickbay?" "Yes, I am. After all you got him down here. There is only so much that a Terran body can handle that of a Caitian body," Merina said. Simon shrugged. His aching back told him it was probably better not to protest. "You're the boss. We had better hurry though." Merina picked up Aaron and started making her way to the Turbolift. Eventually, she arriveed at one and entered it, holding it for Simon to enter. She then ordered it to sickbay. Simon got into the TL just after Merina. "I'm impressed. So, why did you come after me? Thought I wouldn' be able to handle the situation?" The young Petty Officer was not happy with the way the whole situation had developed. After sending him to take care of the emergency Merina had decided to follow him. Somehow he felt like the Doctor might not have too much faith in his abilities as a medic. "You can say that. Just would hate to see something happen to a good friend and the Chief of Engineering," she replied. At first Simon did not know what to answer to that. He hadn't expected the Caitian to be that blunt. He did his best to control his temper but he didn't manage to keep the anger out of his voice. "I was trained to do this job. I don't need anyone looking over my shoulder all the time." Merina snapped her head. "I know that, Simon. But sometimes people need help, so don't give me an attitude." Simon couldn't believe what he was hearing. Now it was his fault again. "I am NOT giving you an attitude. I just don't like being treated like someone who can't do his job." He knew that this was not the proper way to address an officer and that he was probably in for some trouble again but just now he didn't care. The turbolift hummed to a stop and Merina hussled Aaron into sickbay. Then she turned to Simon, "You know I can have you repriminded, now help me take care of Aaron." "Have me reprimanded, then," he snaps. "I don't care." Then he helped Merina lie Aaron down onto one of the biobeds. He was fuming and decided it was better not to speak his mind right now. Merina growled then started treating Aaron. "I guess you won't need me anymore," Simon asked, wishing she would let him go so he could go take out his temper on some inanimate object that wouldn't be missed if it broke. Merina stopped for a moment, then looked at Simon. "Help me treat Aaron, I'll consider not putting you on report," she said curtly before continuing to treat Aaron. Simon, who had been about to turn around, turned back and handed Merina a hypospray she had pointed at. "Ay, ma'am," was all he said. His anger was still apparent in the tone of his voice. "Thank you." Merina accepted the hypo from Simon and administered it to Aaron, monitoring his vitals.

Simon was still sitting on the biobed. He hoped one of the doctors would have time for him soon. Somehow the possibility that he might have been hallucinating unsettled him more than all those bodies he had seen on that other ship. Was there really something wrong with him? He looked up to see Finn observing him from across the room. Trying to avoid eye contact with his friend Simon closed his eyes and lay down on the biobed. Images of mutilated bodies, traces of phaser fire on bulkheads and green cockroaches floated in and out of focus. He opened his eyes again and the images disappeared only to be replaced by the echo of the voices he had heard just before the cockroaches had disappeared. This away mission was the second one he'd ever been on and it had been almost as bad as the first one. Simon thought of the battle that must have been fought on the Odyssey. He could see the attackers materialize aboard, faceless, with their weapons at the ready, firing indiscriminately, mercilessly at the crew, not caring who they were killing...no, slaughtering. Could this happen to him, too, dying at the cruel hands of an enemy who only sought his own advantage? Simon knew the answer was yes. Men and women had died in the line of duty, defending the ideals of Starfleet and the Federation, ideals he, Simon, wasn't even sure he believed in. Suddenly Simon felt lost. What if he did die in the line of duty? Would anyone really care? Certainly not his family. This notion was both comforting and troubling in an odd kind of way. Simon shook his head. You're not going to die, at least not anytime soon, he told himself and tried to think of something else. But all that came to his mind was the image of those green roaches again. He was really going mad.

Simon glanced at the clock on his bedside table. It showed 5:30 am. He sighed and turned to lie on his side. A few seconds later he threw back the blanket and got up. “Computer, lights on.” Simon walked to a pile of dirty clothes and shoes. He rummaged a bit and then dug out a pair of running shoes. Then he searched his quarters for shorts and an old T-shirt. After about half an hour he had found everything and was ready to go. He left is quarters silently. If Finn woke up he'd probably try to keep Simon from going. 6 am was not really the perfect time to go running but Simon couldn't sleep and he was about to go crazy just sitting in his quarters. Ten minutes later Simon was standing in front of the Holodeck, trying to find a suitable program. He wanted to run, preferably in a quiet place. After a few minutes he found the right thing. Some forest on Earth... his guess was northern Europe. The trail looked perfect. Ljungberg stepped through the doors and breathed in the forest air, heavy with smells of wood, wet soil and flowers that were growing in a clearing a few feet away. He looked around and listened to the sounds of birds and small animals scuttling around among the trees. The sun had just risen above the horizon and its golden beams were filtered through the green of the foliage. This was perfect. Simon closed his eyes briefly and concentrated on the sounds around him, trying to forget that this was just an illusion created by the computer. He drew another deep breath, opened his eyes and started running. At first, Simon just tried to concentrate on his own heavy breathing and the sound of his footfalls on the soft ground. For a few minutes he wanted to forget why he had come here in the first place. He allowed himself a brief time in which to forget about his problems. Then he forced his mind back to the decision he knew he'd have to make soon. When he had talked to Finn the previous day Simon had almost been certain he wanted to stay. But when Finn had left his doubts had returned. The main problem was that Simon did not believe in himself. He was too uncertain. Would he be able to live up to the challenge? This was a difficult situation. He knew if he made the commitment and decided to stay it would be the first time that he really had to succeed. He would owe it to Doctor Matthews. She believed in him and she was ready to give him another chance. Simon knew that if he stayed and failed he would hate himself even more than he did now. So far everyone had told him how much of a disappointment he was. A failure. He had believed them. He had let other people have too much of an influence on how he felt about himself. It was about time he proved them wrong. Those people would probably not change their minds about him but he, Simon, would know that they were wrong. Wasn't that all that counted in the end? Wasn't it unimportant what his parents thought as long as he was happy? This thought kept turning up in his mind for a while. Then another thought occured to him. Wouldn't it be even better if he was happy and his parents came around to seeing that he had at least tried? This particular thought made Simon angry. He knew it was almost impossible. He started running faster. He did not want to be angry. And least of all did he want his parents to have such a big influence on how he felt. Doctor Matthews was offering Simon an opportunity and if he let it pass now it would be because others had made him feel inadequate. He couldn't let this happen... not again. A broad smile crept onto Simon's face. He had made his decision. “Computer what time is it?” “7:46 am,” the female voice answered. Simon couldn't believe he'd been here for almost 90 minutes already. He slowed down a bit but still kept running. Finn's shift would start at 0800 hours so if Simon stayed for another 15 minutes he'd make sure not to run into his friend. Maybe Finn would declare him crazy if he found out what Simon had been doing. Suddenly he felt his ankle twist. He had been inattentive and stepped on a loose stone. He tried to avoid the fall but it was too late. All his weight had been on that leg and he stumbled and hit the ground. Pain shot through his right ankle and up his leg. Simon cursed under his breath and sat up. The fall had been soft enough but he feared that he might have torn a ligament or two. Simon looked at his leg. There was a scratch on his knee and some blood was running down his leg. Carefully he pulled off the shoe and sock to have a closer look at his foot. It did not take an expert to see the swelling. “Great!” He got up slowly and tentatively put some weight onto his hurt foot. Simon winced. The pain was not exactly unbearable but bad enough. “Computer, exit.” The doors appeared on the trail in front of him and Simon hobbled out of the Holodeck. Slowly he made his way to sickbay.

Debbie leaned a little closer to Ljungberg and lowered her voice. "If you keep this up, all you're going to achieve is a court martial." The young medic sighed. "I don't care what you do with me. It was perhaps a bad idea for me to join Starfleet. This isn't the first time I've been in trouble and it will probably not be the last time. The more bad reports you file about me the happier my parents will be and I'm sure they'll be delighted if you decide to court- martial me. So go ahead, make them happy. I couldn't care less." "Now where did that come from?" thought Debbie silently. "Maybe we're going to make some progress after all." She looked at the dejected young man sitting next to her. "Simon," she said softly. "Exactly why did you join Starfleet? And why did you choose to specialize in medicine?" Simon blinked. He hadn't expected that question. Usually people just kept telling him off. He feared he might have said too much. Simon wasn't sure whether he really wanted to answer but it seemed like he didn't have a choice. He'd just have to be careful what exactly he told Matthews. "I had planned to become a paramedic or nurse in the civilian sector. But well... my whole family is in Starfleet. My grandparents are both retired officers, my mum is the chief of science on the Phoenix and my dad's the chief engineer on the Nautilus. My brother, Per, is an engineer, too, Lieutenant last time I saw him. He graduated second of his year. Can you imagine what would have happened if I had decided to go for a civilian career?" Simon sighed. He looked at his feet and mumbled, "It would probably not have made much of a difference. I'm the big disappointment of the family, anyway." Simon was suddenly overwhelmed by the old feeling of anger, frustration and deep sadness he'd always had when his grandfather had talked to him after a call from school. "A failure all along the line...your brother as an example...keep up tradition...reputation of the family...yadda, yadda, yadda..." They just never got it! He wasn't his father or Per. He was Simon, the boy who had cried secretly at night because his father had insisted on being called 'sir', the teenager who had hated being treated like a cadet at home, the young man who loathed following orders blindly, the Petty Officer who despised himself for not standing up to his family. He swallowed hard and looked up into Debbie's eyes. "I don't expect you to understand this." Somehow Simon wished she would understand. He didn't know why but he wanted her to see his problem. Perhaps it was because she was the first one who had actually asked. Could it be that she was genuinely interested? "So that's it," thought Debbie. "He joined up for all the wrong reasons." She wanted to reach over and pat Simon on the shoulder....reassure him everything would be okay. But she didn't dare. Instead she turned the chair a bit so she was practically facing him. "Believe it or not," she began gently. "I do understand. You allowed your family to dictate your future. Now you're angry at them and at yourself." She paused, watching for any response from the young medic. But he kept his eyes lowered and made no effort to speak. "Your anger toward your family is fairly easy to explain," she continued, carefully monitoring Simon's expression. "They hurt your feelings, made you feel like a failure. They forced the round peg into the square hole. But I dare say, you're even angrier at yourself than you are with them. Because you allowed them to do it." Again, she paused hoping for some response but there was none. "You joined Starfleet even though it was the last thing you wanted to do. You followed their orders, so to speak, and it was a very critical order...an order that changed your life in a dramatic way. You may have questioned it, but eventually, you did exactly as your family ordered." She tapped him on the hand, forcing him to look up. "And you swore that would be the last order you ever obeyed without question." Debbie leaned back in her chair and smiled slightly. "How am I doing so far?" Simon looked at her a bit surprised. "You...I...," he averted his eyes again and just nodded. He felt her eyes on him and wanted to say something but he just couldn't. Debbie made him feel vulnerable and this was a feeling he had been trying to fight for as long as he could remember. It made you weak, gave them an opportunity to hurt you. Along with these thoughts another feeling rose in him: Panic. He couldn't let this woman do this to him. He hardly knew her. She was doing this on purpose. She wanted him to feel bad. She just wanted to find out how she could really get at him. Simon clenched his fists, ready to fight back. Then Finn's words came to his mind unbidden. "I don't know what has led you to believe that everyone is out to get you... You have friends here... I'm sure Matthews doesn't exactly hate you, either." Could it be that his friend was right? The young man looked at Debbie. She had observed him closely with apparent concern. More important than the question whether or not Finn had been right was the question whether he could risk to trust his chief. Last time he had decided to trust someone he had been betrayed... stabbed in the back was actually a more appropriate way to put it. It had almost killed him and he had sworn never to trust anyone again... ever. But what if he didn't expect too much this time? Would the disappointment not be too big if he didn't get his hopes up too high? He decided to give it a try. After all, he didn't have all that much to lose. If, in the end, it turned out that Debbie didn't really deserve his trust she would just confirm what he thought he knew anyway. Noone ever helped anyone without a reason. After the long silence Simon answered, his voice barely above a whisper. "I just can't seem to do anything right." He shook his head slightly and fell silent. "That's a cop out," snorted Debbie. "And you know it. You're a very bright and capable young man. I reviewed your file....in detail. You've got more going for you than some of the commissioned officers on this ship. You could have a brilliant career in Starfleet. You could also have a brilliant career in civilian life." She tilted her head slightly and smiled. "But before you go any further, you need to decide which of those paths to follow." Debbie had no idea how Ljungberg would react to her change in tone. She hadn't meant to scold him but she hated it when intelligent, mature people questioned their ability to make good choices. Simon was definitely intelligent. She wasn't too sure about the mature part but he was still young. He had plenty of time to mature if he would only give himself the opportunity. Debbie's biggest concern was that Ljungberg would self-destruct long before he had a chance to finish growing up. "Simon," continued Matthews in calmer tone of voice. "There is no shame in admitting you made a mistake by joining Starfleet. I don't give a rat's rear what your family thinks. Simon lives in your skin. Nobody else but Simon. You have to decide what's best for you. If Starfleet makes you so uncomfortable you can't function, then you absolutely need to consider a different career." With that, the CMO got up and returned to the chair behind her desk. "Of course, I'm prejudiced," she said as she sat down. "I would love for you to make a commitment to Starfleet. You could be a great asset to this department and believe me, I need good people in here." Simon was completely caught by surprise by the CMO's words. Noone had every called him bright and capable, least of all an officer who had every reason to court martial him. His eyes followed Debbie as she moved across the room. He didn't know what to say so he decided to remain silent and listen to what she had to say. Debbie reached down and opened the bottom drawer of her desk. "But I don't want to you stay if you hate it here. I certainly don't want to stand by and watch your attitude reach the point where you're dishonorably discharged or worse. I would much rather cut you loose now while you still have a decent reputation to fall back on." Matthews fumbled in the drawer for a moment and pulled out two of her famous lollipops. She laid one of them on the desk and proceeded to open the other. "So you think about, Simon," continued Debbie. "I'm giving you a couple of days off so you'll have some quiet time to consider your options." "And while you're thinking about what you should do," the CMO leaned forward and lowered her voice a bit. "please consider this. Maybe, just maybe, you do want to be here. Maybe, deep down inside, you've always wanted to be in Starfleet. But that's also what your family wanted. It's possible they saw your potential and pushed a little too hard. You didn't want to be pushed. Throughout the years, their pushing led to confrontations, arguments and hard feelings. And you decided, consciously or subconsciously, that you were going to prove them wrong....no matter what." "You would join up but you would fail," added Debbie. "You would sabotage your own dreams because you couldn't reconcile the fact that your dream was too darn close to what your family wanted you to do. I'm not saying that's the case. But I hope you will consider this little scenario carefully. If nothing else, you can eliminate it as a possible cause for your disciplinary problems." Simon had watched Debbie dig out two lollipops while she was talking. He found this a bit curious and he had to smile despite himself. Then he shook his head and his expression grew somber again. "I'm not sure you're right about my family. Anyway that's not really what matters right now. I appreciate that you are willing to give me another chance and I'm glad you allow me some time to think it over." He looked closely at his chief. He had no idea why she was so indulgent with him but he was genuinely grateful for her words. This was the first time that someone had made him feel like he was more than just a nuisance...that he was actually worth something. Matthews shrugged her shoulders. "You may have signed on the dotted line, but you haven't made a real commitment to Starfleet. Maybe you can't. If not, now is the time to cut bait and move on." She picked up the lollipop from the desk and handed it to Simon. "I'm hoping you'll be able to make the commitment. But like I said, you're the only one living inside your skin. The final decision is yours, Petty Officer. But please, don't cut your nose off to spite your face." Ljungberg took the lollipop and nodded. "Thank you ma'am." Suddenly a thought occured to him. Something that made him doubt whether he could really remain in Starfleet even if he wanted to. "What if it's already too late?" Debbie frowned and Simon hurried to explain. "I've already been in a lot of trouble during my brief time in Starfleet. We both know that even if I try hard I won't become a model of discipline and reliability overnight. Expecting that would be foolish. I mean, I'm not planning to get into more trouble whether I stay or not but...well... I know myself." He looked at Debbie and blushed, hoping she would understand his concern. The CMO sighed and shook her head. "If it was already too late, I wouldn't be having this conversation with you. You'd be on your way to Earth and that civilian life you thought you wanted." Debbie slapped her hand on the desk. "And another thing, Petty Officer. You ARE quite capable of keeping your nose clean, effective immediately. I don't want to hear this 'I know myself' garbage. That's part of your problem. You DON'T know yourself. You need to thoroughly examine your conscious and if you do it properly, I think you'll be very surprised at the results. Nobody said you had to be an angel. But you might find that you're not the devil incarnate either. Underneath that calloused and bitter attitude, is a very decent man." Matthews looked Simon square in the eye. "It's about time you found that man. And it's about time you decided whether or not he's a civilian or a Starfleet Petty Officer assigned to the USS Reaent. But remember, you have to commit to whatever path you choose. So get out of here. I don't want to see you back in Sickbay for 48 hours. And when you return, I need to know if I still have a medic. Understand?" Simon smiled widely. Despite having to make a decision that would change his life he was happy. Happiness...that was something he hadn't felt in a long time. Debbie would have any reason to tell him to go home, that Starfleet wasn't the right choice for him, that all he was good at was making trouble and she couldn't use someone like him. But she didn't. For some inscrutable reason she believed in him. Ljungberg got to his feet. "Aye, ma'am." He realised he still held the lollipop in his hand. His smile turned into a grin. "And thanks for the lollipop." He kept standing in front of her Debbie's desk waiting to be dismissed. The CMO considered the young man for a moment and then nodded. "Dismissed." The Petty Officer turned around to leave the office. "Simon, consider your options carefully and take your time." Simon nodded almost imperceptibly and walked out of the office.

Simon knocked on the bulkhead of Debbie's office. He had known this would come and he knew he wouldn't like it at all. He just wondered what exactly Lieutenant Smith had told his chief. Oh well, he'd find out soon enough. Too soon for his taste. Debbie was already sitting behind her desk by the time Simon knocked. She looked up and waved him in. He took a deep breath and moved forward reluctantly. Standing in front of Doctor Matthews' desk, he wondered just how bad this would get. The chief looked up and eyed him closely. Then she picked up a PADD and shot a quick glance at it. "Have a seat, Mr. Ljungberg," she said calmly. "I'm sure you know why you're here." She held up the PADD she'd just looked at. "This is Lt. Smith's report. Needless to say, you made quite an impression." Simon hung his head. "Yes, ma'am." Unfortunately, he remembered all too well. Debbie dropped the PADD onto the desk and sighed. She leaned back in her chair and studied the face of the young man sitting uncomfortably in front of her. At the moment, he looked more like a child than a man...a troubled child at that. Again, she wondered what his problem was. She wished she could say his uncooperative attitude on the away mission was due to fear or inexperience. But it wasn't. She knew it. And so did he. "Care to explain yourself?" she asked quietly. "Especially the part about disobeying a direct order." The Petty Officer looked at a point just above her shoulder. It was obvious he didn't feel comfortable and Debbie had no intention of changing that. Not, yet at any rate. "I don't know ma'am. It just sounded like," he sighed before going on. "It sounded like a stupid order at the time." "It sounded like a stupid order," Debbie repeated Simon's own words. "Since you've been on Reaent, you've had a lot to say about orders. I suppose you think most of the orders you receive are stupid?" She leaned forward and folded her arms on the desktop. "But it's one thing to mouth off about running maintenance checks on biobeds. It's another thing to refuse a direct order while in a life threatening situation." Debbie shook her head and sighed. "Simon," she said sternly. "Did it ever occur to you that by refusing that order, you could have gotten yourself killed? Or perhaps caused the deaths of your colleagues on the away team? Did you ever give that a moment's thought while you were deciding to ignore Lt. Smith because it was a 'stupid' order?" Simon fired up at once. "You were not even there. I only said it'd be a stupid idea to stay on that station. Granted, Lt. Smith had ordered us to go on and investigate a bit but it was not like I was refusing a crucial order. And by the way, it was the Lieutenant's orders that got us transported to the other end of the galaxy in the first place." "Watch your mouth, Ljungberg," snapped Debbie without blinking an eye. "And while you're at it, tell me exactly how many away missions you've been on. It must be a rather high number. You seem to be quite the expert." Ljungberg continued his rant. "You know, I like to use my brain instead of blindly following people I haven't even met before." He knew that his answer would get him into even more trouble but he didn't care just now. Why did everyone think he didn't know what he was doing? Debbie leaned back in her chair and stared at her young colleague. "You took an oath to follow orders. You don't honestly expect them all to come from close friends, do you? Most of them will come from people you barely know." The CMO was growing more annoyed by the second which was exactly what she didn't want to do. She got up, walked around to the other side of the desk and sat down in the chair beside Simon. "You have to follow before you can lead," she said, her voice tightly controlled. "And follow is exactly what I mean. You do what you're told, when you're told to do it." Debbie shifted her weight a bit and continued. "It isn't up to you to determine if an order is crucial or not. The plain fact is, in most situations, you don't have the experience to know what's crucial or not." Debbie leaned a little closer to Ljungberg and lowered her voice. "If you keep this up, all you're going to achieve is a court martial."

Simon entered his quarters. He was quite glad that Finn was still on duty. Like this he might be able to have a quick shower and get into bed before his roomie came back. After what had happened during the away mission he needed some time to himself. Ljungberg walked into his washroom and got undressed. He wished he had a regular shower. There was nothing more relaxing than taking a shower with real water. Oh well, guess this sonic shower's better than nothing. Ten minutes later Simon walked out of his room, dressed in pyjamas, to get something to eat before going to bed. Standing in front of the replicator he tried to decide on dinner. Suddenly he heard movement behind him and gave a small start. Finn must have come in when he had still been in the shower. Damn. Simon had wanted to be alone. Now he could hardly go back into his room without at least apologizing for avoiding Finn back in sickbay. "Are you alright, Simon?" Finn asked with apparent concern. Simon turned around and simply looked at his friend. For a few seconds he didn't say anything. Then he nodded curtly and shrugged. "Doctor Matthews said I'm ok. Adrenalin, noradrenalin, dopamine, CRH, ACTH and cortisol are still a bit high. In short, nothing that a bit of rest can't fix." He hoped Finn wouldn't enquire any further. "You know I wasn't talking about your hormones. I noticed you didn't even look at me when you were in sickbay." Finn spoke the last words without any hint of accusation in his voice. "Look, I'm sorry. I...I just wanted to be alone." Finn looked closely at his friend. "You don't need to apologize, I understand. I just wanted to know whether you are ok. I was worried, you know." Simon gave Finn a humourless smile. "Like anyone would really care. It would have been a convenient way to get rid of one more trouble-maker." It took Finn a few seconds to really understand what he'd just heard. When the words had finally sunk in his expression changed to a mixture of disbelief and anger. Still, he tried to keep his voice even. "It's not fair you know. Even Doctor Matthews was really worried." Simon snorted. "I wonder... was she worried about me or about the fact that a lost subordinate doesn't look good on the record? So I'm not being fair, eh? Noone's ever been fair to me so why should I be?" He wasn't quite as successful as Finn not raising his voice. He was frustrated, angry and, beyond all, exhausted. Now it was Finn's turn to get angry. He all but yelled back. "Oh, yeah? So why then did Doctor Matthews give you a second chance when you messed up right during the first couple of weeks on the ship? Certainly not because she wants to get rid of you. 'Cos that would have been a very good opportunity to have you court- martialed, my friend. And why did I stick to you when she told me to stay away from you? I've got no idea what has led you to believe that everyone is out to get you. But I tell you this, you need to change your attitude because if you keep yelling at the people who are trying to help you for every inconvenience life has dealt you they won't stick around for very long." Simon opened his mouth to retort something but Finn hurried to go on. "Yes, Simon you do have friends here, well at least one." He pointed at himself." By the way I'm almost sure Matthews doesn't exactly hate you, either. Instead of whining about all those challenges life has in store for you, you should try and make the best of it. This is the life you have and you're not going to change the past so deal with it, for heavens sake. Or do you actually enjoy playing the poor mistreated Petty Officer that everyone hates. If that's the case, go on but don't expect me to play along." Simon just stood and stared at his friend. He was completely startled. The problem was not that Finn had yelled at him. Simon was used to being yelled at. It was more what Finn had said that made Simon angry. And the worst was that he somehow he knew what made him so angry was that Finn was right. "You've got no idea what you're talking about," Simon managed to say after a long moment. The anger was still apparent in his voice but he didn't care. The problem was that Finn seemed to have a pretty good idea what he was talking about but Simon didn't want to admit it... not to himself and least of all to Finn. "If you say so." Finn had calmed down again. He didn't see any point in continuing this discussion. Not while Simon was so agitated. "Anyway I'm off to bed. Good night." With that he turned around and went to his room, leaving Simon standing where he was. Simon remained there staring at the door through which Finn had just disappeared. After what seemed like an eternity he cursed under his breath and went to his own bedroom. Finn's words had started him thinking. They threatened to shake the idea he'd had of life so far and he didn't like it one bit. Until now his attitude had allowed him to conveniently blame others for everything that had gone wrong in his life. Granted, he hadn't had the best start and hardly any support but maybe, just maybe he, Simon, was responsible for messing up his own life... at least a little bit.

Simon was sitting in a corner of Sickbay. Strangely enough he was not mad at Doctor Matthews. He knew she had been right. He had criticised her in front of others and that alone would probably have gotten him into more trouble with most other officers. On top of that the way he had presented his criticism had been anything but adequate. He was lucky he had gotten away with only a warning. He also knew that he should probably not push his luck. After all he should at least try to behave. Simon looked over to where Finn was working. At the thought of his friend he felt a pang of guilt. He had no idea what Matthews had told Finn after he had left but the mere fact that his friend, too, had been called into her office made him feel guilty. Finn hadn't done anything wrong, quite to the contrary, he had made sure Simon had shown up for work at all. Getting up he walked over to Finn. "Hey... I'm sorry." Finn turned around when Simon adressed him. "Sorry for what? You're the one who's in trouble not I." Simon hung his head but didn't reply. Finn grinned and leaned back against the worktop. "She told me to stay away from you." Simon frowned. "Maybe a good idea. I seem to have a bad influence on you." Shaking his head Finn laughed. "Maybe I could try to have a good influence on you. Besides, we share quarters. It would be difficult to stay away from you under these circumstances." Now Simon smiled, too. "Maybe she'd help you get new ones with someone she approves of." Finn chuckled. "She's my chief not my mother, you know. Even if she was, there's no way I'll let anyone tell me who to spend my time with." "So what are we doing tonight?" Now it was Finn's turn to frown. He gave Simon a reproachful look. "You are going to be in bed early." Simon sighed. "Yes, mom," he paused and smiled. "Suppose it's a good idea, though.You might as well start having a good influence on me right away." They both laughed. "Get back to work," Finn told his friend with a grin. "I'll come and help you with the calibration of those tricorders when I'm done here." Simon walked back to where he'd been working, grateful that his stupidity hadn't put him at odds with Finn.

Simon stepped out of the shower and went to bed without even bothering to put on his pyjamas. Finding them in his bags would take at least five minutes and he didn't want to waste that time on something so unimportant. Finn and he had been unpacking crates all day and since he had not slept the previous night he was beyond tired now. Every single fibre in his body was screaming for sleep and that's exactly what Simon was planning to do. He closed his eyes... After what felt like five minutes the alarm woke Simon up. He looked at the clock next to his bed. It showed 7 am. He turned off the alarm and plled the blanket over his head. He could hear Finn whistle a tune. How could a person be so cheerful so early in the morning? Simon closed his eyes again. "Hey, Simon! If I were you I'd hurry or you'll be late again." Finn was standing in the doorway grinning. All Simon could manage was a guttural grunt. Then he turned onto his side and glaced at the clock again. Suddenly he was wide awake and jumped out of bed. He had fallen asleep again and now it was 7:45. He cursed under his breath and donned his uniform. There was no time to take a shower so he just brushed his teeth and hurried out of the bathroom. Finn was sitting on the sofa reading a PADD. When Simon walked out of the bedroom Finn got up and walked to the door. "Thanks for waking me up, mate," Simon said sheepishly. "Without you I'd be in real trouble now." Finn nodded. "No problem. I should have done it earlier, though. You look hardly presentable." Simon shrugged. "At least I'm present. The rest is not that important, especially not if you're unpacking all day." With that they entered Sickbay and looked around. The place was still full of crates and it looked like they'd have a very busy day ahead. Sighing Simon walked to the nearest crate and started sorting its contents into different cabinets. It was amazing how much of this stuff fit into a single Sickbay.

The group of young men was walking down the street somewhere in San Fransisco. They were laughing and talking loudly, not caring for the people they might wake up with their noise this early in the morning. It had been the last time Simon would be with them so they had made sure he'd not forget the night too quickly. The party had involved a fair amount of alcohol which was obvious now that they were making their way noisily to Simon's appartment. When they arrived at his door Simon turned around and smiled at his friends. He was feeling sorry to leave them but also excited about his new assignment aboard the U.S.S Reaent. They were saying goodbye now and Simon knew he'd miss them. "Hey, Steve are you sure you'll be able to deal with old Hager without me?" Simon asked his best mate with whom he'd spent quite a few uncomfortable hours standing at attention in front of Dr. Hager's desk trying to explain their latest misconduct. Steve grinned impishly and nodded. "Sure, mate. I'll just tell him now that you're gone I have to fill in for you." Everybody laughed. "You know Hager would love get you for something like that. I bet you'd spend the rest of your service cleaning bed-pans." Steve shrugged. "According to Hager that's all I'm good for anyway." Simon grinned back at his friend then he turned around to open the door. "Alright folks and now get lost before I get too sentimental." The general laughter that ensued was mixed with calls of good-bye. Simon stood on the threshold of his appartment and watched his friends make their way down the street. The racket they made was still enough to wake the whole neighbourhood. When the group turned the corner at the end of the block the noise abated and he entered his appartment. The clock in the kitchen area showed 7:23 am. He'd just have enough time to take a shower before leaving to get to the ship. Stepping into the shower he suddenly felt very tired. He wished he could just go to bed but he had to report for duty in 90 minutes and he hoped he'd get a chance to drop by his quarters on the ship and drop off his bags. 60 minutes later Simon had just been beamed aboard the U.S.S Reaent, his new home. At first he had been excited to be assigned to a ship but this excitment was quickly replaced by disappointment as he saw the state the ship was in. The Reaent was refit but it looked like the work would still take at least two months, not a couple of weeks. He sighed trying to find his quarters on deck 18. Finally, he found the right door and stepped in. He stood in the living area of the standard quarters. There were already some bags standing next to the couch indicating that Simon's roommate had already arrived. Putting down his own bag next to the door he looked around the room. This was better than he had expected. They didn't have a viewport but at least there were two small desks, a table with two chairs, a couch and a replicator. Granted the small room looked cramped but it could have been worse. There was one door on each side presumably leading to the bedrooms. Just as Simon started wondering which of the bedrooms was his, a man about his own age stepped out of the right hand door. The other man smiled and extended his hand. "Welcome aboard. I'm Finn Ryan, obviously we're sharing quarters." Simon took Finn's had and shook it. "Simon Ljungberg." He pointed to the left hand door. "Suppose that's my bedroom then." Finn nodded and looked curiously at the newcomer. "Are you a medic, too?" he asked trying to make conversation. "Yeah," Simon answered. "And I have to report for duty at 0900 hours." He picked up his bags and walked towards his room. "Me, too," said Finn cheerfully, walking to his bags and pulling out a small box. He gave it to Simon. "Here you'll need at least one of those, trust me." Simon took the box with a puzzled expression on his face. "What's that?" he asked opening it. "Breath mints," Ryan answered, smiling broadly. Simon blushed and took one. "That bad, huh?" Finn just nodded. "Why don't you go ahead, Finn? I'll be right there." The other man shrugged and walked towards the door. "As you wish but if I were you I'd not be late. I hear the chief's the kind of woman you don't want to mess around with." Simon nodded and walked into his bedroom. "I'll be there don't worry. Thanks." He sat down on his bed and wished he could just lie down and sleep a few hours. Unfortunately, that wasn't an option. After a moment he got up and walked into the tiny bathroom that was attached to the bedroom, which was not much bigger. Splashing some water onto his face he hoped he'd at least seem a bit more awake than he actually felt. The water had helped a bit and a few minutes later he was on his way to sickbay. In the Turbolift he looked at his chrono and then cursed under his breath. He was 15 minutes late. Simon just hoped his breath wasn't smelling as bad anymore. A minute later he stood in front of sickbay, drawing a deep breath before entering.

scalpel

Great log, you two but I think I had better get sickbay ready for you, eh? B)